My 17 yr old and my partner do not get on

[Worried mum]

Can anyone give me some tips for helping my 17 year old son and my lovely partner get on.
We have been together for 18 months and marry in 6 weeks. The relationship between my son and my partner has worsened since son left school and does not have a job yet. My son does not see his dad. He disowned both my boys last year when I met my new partner even though he was living with his new partner.
My son has always been a good boy but has turned surly and lazy. My partner has tried hard over the past 18 months to get on with him and has made great headway with my younger son (15) but the older one will not give him a chance and now my partner has had enough and does not trust the boy at all. He thinks hes not doing enough to look for a job and basically doesnt really like anything my son does at the moment.
Hes a wonderful loving and kind man but patience not his strong point.
My son also a great kid but showing the very worst of himself lately.
Its like a battle between the two and I am in the middle because I love them both so much.
Help!!

[rampart]

So sorry to hear! Well, it sounds like your son is quite depressed. Think of the stress from his point of view: His mum and dad are apart, both are moving on to new partners, and is dad rejects him. That's a lot for anyone to handle, but especially a youth. And with a wedding in weeks, you are also probably quite focused on all the many details. This could also make him feel left out.

Perhaps you could give him some attention - carefully and diplomatically. By tht I mean if you say, "I know you feel hurt and left out" he might very well retort, "I DO NOT" so your approach might best be indirect. Find little ways to do things or say things that indirectly let him know how important he is in your life and how much you love and care for him. Don't just blurt out these things, but subtly start building a foundation of love and trust.

Once that's getting established, then you can come in with a more direct approach, asking him more detailed questions and saying things more directly. He needs to know where he fits in this world and at present my guess is that perhaps he feels adrift.

Now, doing all this will cost you planning time and partner time, so you'll have to figure out that part of the deal, too. You'll have to allocate some of the planning to others (be sure to follow up!). And you'll have to balance time with your partner so that he doesn't feel abandoned, too! However, I would think that the groom to be will be understanding and supportive in this.

Six weeks will go fast, so you'll want to start soon. Start with simple words and actions, add a few hugs from time to time, and then build it up more and more. Perhaps he'll be best man by the time the big day comes!

Best of luck to you.

[Worried mum]

Thanks rampart. That is good advice. I think you are prob right in saying he feels a bit cut adrift. His father was v domineering so under the bravado he is not overly confident (i think). Trouble is I feel so guilty for being happy, having been in a verbally abusive relationship with his father, its so nice to be with a kind, helpful, loving partner.
Ive even considered the idea of breaking off with my partner because I dont deserve to be happy at the expense of my son but I dont think this would achieve anything other than us all to be miserable and I still dont think son would be happy.
My son has a good social life with lots of friends so hope he is not too depressed just fed up at home and cant wait to move out.
I do love him dearly so will try what youve advised and see how it goes. How I keep the two of them from arguing in the meantime is the problem.
My partner and I have only ever argued about this subject we get on in all other ways. Want the same thing, for my son to be working, a bit more communicative and helpful. Just cant agree over the right way to get it. By the way my partner has no experience of kids so was a brave man to take on 2 teen boys.

[orange-gnome]

Hi again worried mum!
I would just like to say that I was in a similar position to your son, my dad left when I was 10 and didnt want to know me afterwards! Later on my mother met a man who she thought was fabulous, however when you are a teenager struggling with hormones, wondering why your father doesn't want you it is practically impossible to see the virtues in your mothers new partner. The best advice I can give is don't push it and also try not to make your son feel as if this is his new dad and that is that. He will most likely resent any fatherly type things your new partner might try to do. Just to add I am 24 now and left home years ago and only now am I starting to get on with my step father! He had a lot to do with disciplining me and I held it against him for a long time. Then I just never had anything to say to him. its a hard thing for your son to get used to, be patient. Don't make him feel left out of the new family group remember that you are in love with your new partner but it is going to be hard for your son just to accept him!
Don't expect big things and I have the feeling that he won't be being the best man...sorry!
Make sure that your son knows that no matter what happens that you will be there for him and you don't love him any less, it sounds obvious but he'll need reassuring. Its hard for a boy to loose his role model and to have another that people expect (or so he will believe) will be his new father, new role model thrust upon him is hard!
This is going to take a long long time and lots of diplomacy to deal with , good luck!
And congratulations on finding love again!

[orange-gnome]

p.s of course you love your son and your new partner but I notice that you write "...my 17 yr old son and my lovely partner..." !

[orange-gnome]

hehe me again!!
Also try not to hold the way that your son is dealing with the situation against him. He will be frustrated and feeling like he is not in control of a situation that he doesn't like! Which of course he isn't but 17 is a trying age, where you feel like you should be able to deal with your problems on your own but actually could do with talking to someone about it. It is very hard to accept advice from your parents especially a new step parent to be, at this age, you think you know everything!
He will probably want to rebel against anything your partner wants him to do, so in my experience it would be better if your partner had as little to do with telling him what to do as possible!! I know this will be hard so good luck again!

[rampart]

orange-gnome had some wonderful insight.

I just want to follow up a bit here with some more things I was thinking.

I notice that you mentioned you hope your son doesn't want to just move out. Being close to 18, he's just on the cusp anyway, but - - - be sure he knows your home is always absolutely always open to him. It's a haven where he can always return to open welcoming arms. That needs to be conveyed to him to kind of give him an emotional supportive tether to you when he finally does move out some day - we hope under great circumstances. There's a lady I know married for years, but says "I'm going home for the weekend." I always think she means to her house, but she actually means her parents' house. That's how inviting her parents' home is to her. It might be a good idea to make sure he knows that no matter where his home might be, you will always be around for him.

Second, I read your comment about not feeling like you don't deserve to be happy at the expense of your son. Deserving or not, it sounds to me as though you would not be happy if your son exiles himself from you and your partner. Your goal, at least as I see it, would be to build a new family unit consisting of all of you. You mention that your partner is kind and loving, so it sounds like he is understanding. Like orange-gnome said, this is a new family. You've got to find a way for partner to help you build the new family unit that includes your son. This marriage is a new beginning for you and if your son could see your happiness in it, surely he would support it. Sons love their mums so much, and they only want the best for them. I can't think of any man good enough for my mother....

This is long so I'm going to post and add just one more comment on strategy.

[rampart]

Sorry to prattle on here, but here goes. It's a strategy I learned years ago. You can imagine it's easier to lead a mule than to push it, and it sounds like you've got a couple of stubborn men! One thing I learned about negotiating in situations like this was to ask questions rather than make statements. You have to plan out your questions and anticipate the answers, and you want the answers to help draw that speaker into your conclusion. So, for a quick example, you tell someone not to touch the stove because it's hot, you might get "don't tell me what to do" but if you approach the person with, "how hot do you think the stove might be?" and get, "well certainly quite hot because the water is boiling." Then you can say, "well if it's boiling and you touch it, I wonder what would happen." You hope the person would say, "Well, burn your hand, of course!" which is exactly what you wanted to tell him! I hope that pathetic analogy makes sense. At a quiet time, one on one with your gents, ask them questions. Ask your partner, "Why do you think my son argues with you so much?" and see what he says. I bet your partner will tell you what he thinks your son feels. Might be a good thing to hear, and even better for your partner to say that out loud. Likewise, you might ask your son why he thinks your partner argues with him. Just ask only sincere questions - nothing sassy like, "well, do you think I would be happy if I called the whole thing off?".

Works on my wife every time at least.

Hope she doesn't read this.

Good luck!

[undercovers]

they are just trying to organise a pecking order e.g. work out who is the alpha male  - the youngest is accustomed to being at the bottom of the pecking order so has adjusted best as his position is not affected - he is now reverential to older brother and new older male e.g. no conflict. The adolescent is asserting his masculinity, your partner as the older male will not be willing to allow a young male to treat him as an equal as physical conflict cannot be an option for either they both end up frustrated � no much you can do other than speak to you partner (as the most mature) and ask him to back down e.g. allow your son to be the alpha male (he gets the best seat on the sofa, the TV remote and first choice at dinner) and more importantly gets to treat your partner as an inferior male, which in time will probably be up graded to equal as a friendship is reached. The point is it has to be your son�s (male of the house in his own territory) decision to make friends with the partner (invading male) rather than your partner choosing to be friends with your son � all part of who has the power.

[Le Chat]

Worried mum-

Just coming at this from another angle. We generally have and continue with certain behaviours if there is some kind of "pay off" for us. ie, A person who shows off constantly is doing so because they are getting much longed for attention. If your son is being like this, what could be his pay off. Could it be that he may well like your partner but fears becoming too fond of him in case he is rejected? (as with father) So his behaviour is acting as what he may subconsciously term "self preservation."

I think your partner though, cannot afford himself the luxury of 'not liking anything my son does at the moment' as he is the adult here, so he must continue to do whatever it takes to make headway with your son until.... and that means until he does - whether that be days, weeks or months.

I appreciate that your son is also an adult now but in  experience of life, he is the child here.

[Cheekyteddy]

I am going to go completely against the grain here. You have a perfectly able bodied adult in your home that is not working for no good reason. I feel he needs a wake up call.

stop all his money unless he earns it. make him do his own laundry and cleaning. Make him get up at 8.30am each morning so that he has to have a normal working day and finally speak to some local supported housing for single homeless youngsters. You don't necessarily have to use the housing but if he sees that you aren't there to financially support him at whatever cost then you may have a bit more leverage.

You will have to continue to support him psychologically and give him help to find a job. You will need to have boundaries that you and your new partner can stick to. But at this rate your younger son will think that this is the way to live.

I have a 17 year old who could no longer live with us for similar reasons. Lovely young man but him and my new partner made the house like a war zone. My son moved out into supported housing and went back to college. He has now done a year in auto body repair and we have a lovely relationship and he has a good relationship with my new husband and gave me away at my wedding.

You cleeve to your husband first the children will fall into place once you have achieved a safe and settled place for them.

I already know that orange gnome and ickle pickle won't agree with me.

[twiglet4frog]

it could be the age, but to be fair to your son he is YOUR son and not your partners and therfore u have to be concerned about what has brought this about, my advice(and there is no rulebook) is to take your son out, just u and him with no one else tagging along, to somewhere like a park or something, and have a sit and a chat, start off asking about nice things such as his hobbies etc, and then slowly tackle how he feels about your partner, why he doesnt like him etc? i think that at the end of the day a long and i mean LONG talk is needed on both sides with u and him negotiating long before u involve a partner to the equation.

U need to tell him why u and his dad split, take responsibility if it was your or both of your faults (although not easy if the husband cheated) and try to find what might make him happy there, explain its over for good but that u could try to contact the father to gain your son access to see him or talk to him.

Explain to him that u like this guy and that u WILL be with him regardless of what he does, and that if it is so difficult then he is the right age to leave although u dont want that. try to talk to him about how u dont expect your son to love him or be a son to him, but more sociable around him and accept that he is your life as your partner and not your sons life as a father.

Talk about what your son wants to do with his life, tell him that u will offer all the support in the world, make the calls, and help however it is possible to get him a job or college course, tell him that lazing about is not acceptable anymore and that he needs to have his own life instead of sulking over your life. tell him that if he doesnt try hard to get a course or work then u will have to start expecting rent from him and that it is time for him to get out there enjoying what he wants to make of life.

[twiglet4frog]

cont....

at the end of it u need to know his insecurities and try to remove them, and find his worries and dissolve them, find his problems and ease them too.

But u need to make sure he knows how u are effected and hurt by it and that he has to help your worries and insecurities with equal measure. That he isnt expected to have a new father but he has to respect and be sociable enough towards him for your sake and that he can expect nothing less than that and maybe nothing more than that from your partner.

If all goes well then a chat with your partner about it and then a meal for the three of u (not including the other son at that time if he gets on ok) to talk about the compromises and how they should treat each other with respect and how each other wants life to be.

If this doesnt work then at the end of it explain that at 17 now he has to either be working or at college with your support and if he wont pull his weight then u can expect him to do his own washing, cooking, cleaning, travel arrangements, buying his own clothes and meals and most of all PAY RENT!!!

[Solarjunkie]

One way to improve your son's confidence would be to do some voluntary work, and feel he was actually achieving something.

www.csv.org.uk could be the answer, your son could do a few months residential voluntary work somewhere which could give a break to the conflict and start putting something useful on his cv. Good luck.

[orange-gnome]

Good one Twiglet...wholeheartedly agree : )

[icklepickle]

Worried mum,

You know your child best, and if you think about it you know how best to deal with him.  Your partner was very brave taking on two teenage boys and thats admirable but you were a package and thats the deal ( me and them or no me ) Reassure your son without giving in to him he will grow up and move on and end up in a relationship which I very much doubt he would sacrifice for you so patience is needed but also you have to explain that your partner can't always get angry with him you need to step in and cut it off before it gets to a row.  He is your son and you need to be doing more of the discipline than your partner as this can be a source of anger ( who does he think he is telling me what to do ). Don't expect miracles but don't give up and if your son does move out make sure he knows you will always have a place for him to call home. 

[Worried mum]

Thank you all so much for input. Its good to have unbiased views cos its a very emotive subject and I find it hard to look at things objectively.
I do let my son know I love him and support him emotionally. Unfortunately all this has come at the hardest time for him. Hes coped with the break up with his Dad who was absolutely vile to us all. tried to please the boys by doing things for them (such as work to my sons moped etc). But as soon as he asked for anything back (ie some kind of two way communcation) it was no go. He tried again by giving my son a job which he soon got bored with. He has continued to try but having had several quite vicious rebuffs (verbal) from my son has retired to lick his wounds and more or less ignoring each other. Last night they "discussed" a mode of living for my son whilst he is not working. Similar to one of the answers i.e get up in the morning, work on finding a job, get the paper, make phone calls, look on web etc, then go to the gym if theres time (not up at 12, shower, gym, come back, shower, then jobhunt if time).
Son was calm tho he had to have the last word. I kept out of it within earshot. No blood was spilt and no swearing and shouting. So slight progress maybe, tho no real liking or friendship yet.
I got son up at 9am this morning, gave him a hug and left him jobhunting.
Another issue - does anyone else have to deal with people saying their teens are like their dads. (in a negative way). My ex was a royal pain in the butt - very verbally abusive, foul mouthed, violent, inconsistent, a lousy drunk, lazy etc. A few people when hearing of our troubles have said "oh he must be like his dad" I dont feel this is fair and dont want to think this. I dont think its true anyway. How have others responded to this kind of comment?
Anyway your feedback has been absolutely invaluable and I will try to pick the pearls of wisdom out and make good use of them.

[Worried mum]

Me again. Just to clarify. Read my answer through and in editing I cut out a bit. Its my partner who has tried to get on the boys side by doing repairs to moped, giving son a job etc. Its something their dad would never have done. Also my partner has been denied contact with his own child for 20 years so does not have experience of kids and has missed out on the good bits - fun, closeness etc of bringing kids up and also the character building bits, sacrifice of time, money and sleep that comes with the package. He also did not have a mum but was brought up by a series of stepmums so the whole mother son bond very hard for him to relate to. So the problem is a very complex one, no easy answers. I guess just perseverence and faith in human nature.