Any Step - Parents Out There??

[jd_1984]

Do you think being a step-parent is harder than being a parent?
I feel that I am only just getting to grips with family life, I moved in with my partner and her toddler son 6 months ago. I thought that I was ready as we had been together 14 months and I was introduced to the child after 2 months and we hit it off. But everything changes when you live together and it made me think... should we have done this so early on?

I was always mis-reading his behaviour and I was frustrated not to have the close bond that he and his mum have. The child was the single thing that we would fall out about as we were not understanding each others feelings towards the child and the new situation. Now we are in a fairly settled routine but I cant help but think it would be easier if the child was mine. We also have added stress from the "part time" father who comes in and out of his life when he can be bothered and contributes nothing financially.

I feel that I invest a lot of time into the child but he adores his dad and is too young to realise who is actually there for him so I find it un rewarding at times. He will grow up I know, the way a 4 year old measures love is different to knowing who is actually providing for him. I would never see him go without but I do feel the step - parent role is a tough one. I love his mum to bits and it works most days, it is worth the sacrifices I have made to stabalise this new little family, but tough some days

[ummmm]

"Do you think being a step-parent is harder than being a parent?"

Yes, very much so. I don't think I'd find it easy to love a child unconditionally if they weren't mine.

Luckily my partner seems to have managed it and my kids, teenagers now, love him equally.

Just carry on being a good dad to him and he will start to appreciate it regardless of how much he loves his biological dad.

[jd_1984]

Thats it ummmm, not having unconditional love for him yet trying to do my best by him and for my partner. Its a tough one!

[ummmm]

You can never say 100% but it will get easier. You will form your own unique relationship with him and its a love/respect that no one else shares.

Its still early days for you. Building up a bond takes time, effort and love.

Sometimes the tables turn, it's hard for a biological parent to see their child go to their step-parent for advice/comfort/hugs and bypass the biological parent, but you have to step back and appreciate that a lot of effort went into making that happen :-)

[jd_1984]

I'm mindful of just how much the little guy means to his mum and dad (even though his dad isnt around in HIS mind his absence is justified - another story). I do want to develop a unique relationship with him, would settle for his respect and friendship and he will have mine in abundance. His dad has hinted that he isnt happy with his mum moving in with to quote "the first fella she met after me" but the reality is it was a year since they split and we were both certain that being together is what we wanted. She feels like she is in the middle though, the childs needs and wants, my feelings and the feelings of the father, her head is frazzled some days!!

[RATTER15]

Yes it is harder, I have been there, I found acceptance to be quite a long slog, just keep at it.

[ojread2]

"Do you think being a step-parent is harder than being a parent? "

YES! And no one will ever convince me otherwsie

[ummmm]

How old were they, Ratter?

[Mattk]

You have to remember that all their little idiosynscracies aren't yours so some behaviour will rub you up the wrong way.

Give it time but most children will always love their mum more.

[Snafu03]

works for some, it all depends on so many factors. hasnt worked out for me. I can meet anyone 50/50 but just dont have the energy to give 100% with zero back everytime.

sorry, mate but if your feeling like that this early on it can breed resentment, and thats no good for any of you. take a long hard think about it.

[jd_1984]

Snafu03. No resentment, I am just stating that it is a hard process, but I love my partner and the little guy, its just everbody getting used to things. I expected some stress and differences of opinion. Sorry it didnt work out for you, I am willing to go 50/50 and then some for the good of our new little family.

[Snafu03]

yeah sorry, i came across well too harsh there. i hope it works out well for you and your family. its sometimes like a chess game involving people and very trying at times. sounds like you're off to a good foot though.

[smurfchops]

I agree oj. They believe their mother, whatever the truth of our situation, and after over 20 years I am afraid both my husband and myself have reached a stalemate as far as his two kids are concerned. We did our best and were the only ones who paid for holidays etc but mum has won, we rarely see them now.

[RATTER15]

ummmm, I cant remember, the youngest was four, she accepted me after about 6 months and we were like real father/daughter, the other 3 were older and we never really had the father/children relationship, I always just felt like a step-father.

[Barmaid]

I don't know if it is harder because I have nothing to compare it against. I think being a parent is probably quite difficult (kids don't seem to come with an instruction book). I do know being a step parent is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but also one of the most rewarding. I also remember feeling really confused in the early days. It was a bit of an uphill struggle since "external factors" encouraged the children to treat me as the evil stepmother, but I seem to have won that particular battle.

[Snafu03]

a quick question to female step parents out there. Its fairly unusual for a female step parent to have their step kids 'full time' as custody is often with the birth mother. Has this been the case for you?

[evedawn]

Yes - it is tough! 19 years on it still is!!! said stepson is still at home at 23 and is ... "Challenging"

[Barmaid]

With me, residence is with the birth mother. But we do get very good contact under the Order (ie half the holidays) and 5 days a fortnight - plus as the unpaid babysitting service, we also have them "on a whim".

[evedawn]

Yes snafu - I'm a female step parent and has been living with us since he was 7. I think it was easier when he was little. The older he gets the harder it is (for me anyway)

[flump1]

Hell yes, I am step-witch to three and when they are good they are very very good ...and when they are bad OMG, I want to run for the hills. However, they have not had it easy with one of their parents misbehaving and causing the family to break up. Sometimes it is a quagmire but we muddle through. When I have them every weekend because that's where they would rather be I think I must be doing something right. Hang on in there and something wonderful might well develop, give it timex

[granny grump]

Yes it is difficult. 'Our' three were teenagers when we met and although the eldest had moved in with her boyfriend the others still lived with their mum. After a lot of problems they came to live with us permanently and yes life wasn't easy but we worked at it together. Middle daughter eventually went back to her mum where there were no boundaries or house rules but I love the other two as my own and they have given us beautiful grandchildren and great grandchildren and I wouldn't swap places with anyone. I can't wait for Christmas