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Son Upset Over Not Having Many Friends
I have 9yr old twins (b&g) and they are both pretty much Jimmy few mates.
DD has one best friend, one 'other' firend and one 'other other' friend and she has been like this always and has said that when her few friends are busy she just walks round the playground cloud gazing. I know she gets lonely sometimes but she is very shy and doesn't even join in games much at her own birthday party!! so they don't ask her to play much. Overall she would like more friends but doesn't worry much about it. Well not to me at least.
DS however told me the other day that he gets upset because he can't understand why he doesn't have many friends. He has two good friends (the gang of three lol) and probably two others. So he is on with one more than DD to start with :)
He asked why just because the other boys are naughty and loud and disruptive they had more friends and get to play and be in charge of all the games and why do all the girls like the naughty boys better? Why does he get left out and pushed to the back all the time? He thought that because he was inteligent he would have lots of friends.
I told him it wasn't the amount of friends but the quality that counts (I don't think he beleived me though). I don't know why he was bothered about the girls... he insists that he is going to live in the Amazon jungle playing football and building inventions lol What I don't want to happen though is for him to decide to stop trying with his school work and start being naughty just to get some more friends
He enjoys playing games such as football and ball court games but again gets pushed around and one week in particular complained that he didn't even get a kick on the ball all week. One time he actually scored a goal but they dissalowed it because he scored and not them. I watched him at football one time and he ran up and down like a whirlwind but NO ONE passed to him even though he was free on a number of occations and when he was given a throw in the other kids took the ball from him and would have done it themselves but it was one of the few occations the teacher made them give it back.
He is a bit small for his age and gets pushed around and ignored and I have tried to say that if he gets so upset about the ball court not to go in there but he loves to play. loves being in a team and tries really hard to be accepted but he just doesn't reach their radar.
Both DD & DS used to have friends round but with the exception of the ones who they play with now they never got invited back.
I am now at a loss as to what to say to him in particular about his lack of friends etc.
DD has one best friend, one 'other' firend and one 'other other' friend and she has been like this always and has said that when her few friends are busy she just walks round the playground cloud gazing. I know she gets lonely sometimes but she is very shy and doesn't even join in games much at her own birthday party!! so they don't ask her to play much. Overall she would like more friends but doesn't worry much about it. Well not to me at least.
DS however told me the other day that he gets upset because he can't understand why he doesn't have many friends. He has two good friends (the gang of three lol) and probably two others. So he is on with one more than DD to start with :)
He asked why just because the other boys are naughty and loud and disruptive they had more friends and get to play and be in charge of all the games and why do all the girls like the naughty boys better? Why does he get left out and pushed to the back all the time? He thought that because he was inteligent he would have lots of friends.
I told him it wasn't the amount of friends but the quality that counts (I don't think he beleived me though). I don't know why he was bothered about the girls... he insists that he is going to live in the Amazon jungle playing football and building inventions lol What I don't want to happen though is for him to decide to stop trying with his school work and start being naughty just to get some more friends
He enjoys playing games such as football and ball court games but again gets pushed around and one week in particular complained that he didn't even get a kick on the ball all week. One time he actually scored a goal but they dissalowed it because he scored and not them. I watched him at football one time and he ran up and down like a whirlwind but NO ONE passed to him even though he was free on a number of occations and when he was given a throw in the other kids took the ball from him and would have done it themselves but it was one of the few occations the teacher made them give it back.
He is a bit small for his age and gets pushed around and ignored and I have tried to say that if he gets so upset about the ball court not to go in there but he loves to play. loves being in a team and tries really hard to be accepted but he just doesn't reach their radar.
Both DD & DS used to have friends round but with the exception of the ones who they play with now they never got invited back.
I am now at a loss as to what to say to him in particular about his lack of friends etc.
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This must be tough. If I were you I would take them to a karate course at night time. Force them to do it. It will boost their confidence significantly and will actually help if they do get pushed around.
I dont mean that penultimately they will single handedly be able to beat up the play ground like out of a Bruce lee film but they will have confidence and this could change how they are accepted into groups etc. The other kids will think its cool too.
I dont mean that penultimately they will single handedly be able to beat up the play ground like out of a Bruce lee film but they will have confidence and this could change how they are accepted into groups etc. The other kids will think its cool too.
Took me a while to work out b&g must stand for one of each gender.
DD has a best friend plus two others ? Sounds a little like myself at that age. Friends I had weren't in my class at school anyway. I think some folk have innate social skills that they build on whilst others, perhaps more bashful and who find social interaction a bit of a strain, learn to accept their own company. I don't believe there is any magic formula but you could assume she is capable of understanding that nothing changes until you make a start at changing them, and that is one wishes to be good at things while one is older, then one has to take a deep breath and get used to things that make one feel uncomfortable now, so they are not still uncomfortable in the future. If the reason for needing to do things is clear it must help encourage the individual to try to tackle the scary things in life. I'm sure she accepts and in a sense is content for things to carry on as they are, but if pushed to think about it might she not admit it would be better to be more socially accepted ? In which case the effort is needed.
DS is not understanding why then. Maybe DD isn't either but doesn't openly question it. But he seems bright enough to realise the characters get more attention, are more fun to be with, and so develop a larger circle of folk who want to be around. He just hasn't worked out it isn't necessarily being naughty, it's being active, full of ideas, and thus fun. If he wishes to be with them, then for the same reason so do others. Maybe he can be helped spot that final deduction.
The issue is to be fun in a play times and intelligent in the learning times. And maybe find something he is interested in and good at to take up as a hobby and be interesting because gives him an aspect not everyone else can boast of.
Intelligence is to do with being able to reason, it can be a help in social situations but it can be a hindrance. Social skills are not the same as intelligence. One ideally needs to have both.
And for sure quality is more important than quantity, but one needs enough not to feel as some sort of oddball or outcast. There's a balance between being an individual and being part of the group.
If he isn't getting a kick at the ball maybe he isn't calling for it enough or being noticeably getting into the game. If he isn't already seen as one of the skilled few then no one tends to think of looking for him. Or maybe football isn't his forte and he should view it as a fun thing rather than something he shines at. It's a team sport, it tends to be most useful for those already popular. Best of luck breaking into it but I think sometimes one has to find a forte of one's own.
I think they ought not worry if they are not the social type. Not much of one myself. But generally speaking one's character doesn't change without effort doing that which is uncomfortable. And also one should find activities that suit them rather than try to be the star at things they didn't get a good start at and are now wondering how to catch up. Maybe something arty. Music, painting, whatever ?
Not sure what else to add really. I'm sure they'll work it out.
DD has a best friend plus two others ? Sounds a little like myself at that age. Friends I had weren't in my class at school anyway. I think some folk have innate social skills that they build on whilst others, perhaps more bashful and who find social interaction a bit of a strain, learn to accept their own company. I don't believe there is any magic formula but you could assume she is capable of understanding that nothing changes until you make a start at changing them, and that is one wishes to be good at things while one is older, then one has to take a deep breath and get used to things that make one feel uncomfortable now, so they are not still uncomfortable in the future. If the reason for needing to do things is clear it must help encourage the individual to try to tackle the scary things in life. I'm sure she accepts and in a sense is content for things to carry on as they are, but if pushed to think about it might she not admit it would be better to be more socially accepted ? In which case the effort is needed.
DS is not understanding why then. Maybe DD isn't either but doesn't openly question it. But he seems bright enough to realise the characters get more attention, are more fun to be with, and so develop a larger circle of folk who want to be around. He just hasn't worked out it isn't necessarily being naughty, it's being active, full of ideas, and thus fun. If he wishes to be with them, then for the same reason so do others. Maybe he can be helped spot that final deduction.
The issue is to be fun in a play times and intelligent in the learning times. And maybe find something he is interested in and good at to take up as a hobby and be interesting because gives him an aspect not everyone else can boast of.
Intelligence is to do with being able to reason, it can be a help in social situations but it can be a hindrance. Social skills are not the same as intelligence. One ideally needs to have both.
And for sure quality is more important than quantity, but one needs enough not to feel as some sort of oddball or outcast. There's a balance between being an individual and being part of the group.
If he isn't getting a kick at the ball maybe he isn't calling for it enough or being noticeably getting into the game. If he isn't already seen as one of the skilled few then no one tends to think of looking for him. Or maybe football isn't his forte and he should view it as a fun thing rather than something he shines at. It's a team sport, it tends to be most useful for those already popular. Best of luck breaking into it but I think sometimes one has to find a forte of one's own.
I think they ought not worry if they are not the social type. Not much of one myself. But generally speaking one's character doesn't change without effort doing that which is uncomfortable. And also one should find activities that suit them rather than try to be the star at things they didn't get a good start at and are now wondering how to catch up. Maybe something arty. Music, painting, whatever ?
Not sure what else to add really. I'm sure they'll work it out.
you could be describing my grandson(age 8) who has joined a youth club ran by a church and started to make other friends from the one he had at school ,when the one friend was away he just walked around but he is now mixing with quite a few children .my daughter did try jui jitsu classes but he is very shy and didnt enjoy that .he now wants to join sea cadets but is too young at the moment
casa333 -oh I do feel for you. I think a good course of action would be to encourage leisure activities with a totally new set of children if possible - maybe join a club in another town -or try something new that interests them but does not have the same set of children that they normally play with. Once they get into a different environment and interact with children who do not have set opinions abut them, then this may have a knock-on effect and give them a bit more confidence when playing with the children at school. Your son sounds like a very intelligent child and often these children over analyse situations -they need to know 'why' rather than just accept things including friendships or lack of them. Another point is he may be trying to make friends with the wrong crowd - if he is academic then the 'footie' crowd is not going to embrace him as one of the boys - joining an academic club of some sort that he enjoys (chess for example) may introduce him to children with similar natures. Lastly -concentrate on the friends he has rather than those he wishes for - organise some sleepovers or fun days with 'the gang of 3' -he is lucky -I had only one friend all the way through primary and only two others all the way through senior school -not everyone can be Mr or Mrs popular ;-)
A hobby is good regardless. Meet other folk with similar interests and get on with them. Could always look at the scouting movement for that sort of thing too. But that said, self defense type things, whilst they can be an interest in itself, seems more closely related to a bullying question than a lack of social success question.
og....pearls of wisdom as usual. great advice x
for cassa: often kids look at others around them and feel they are less popular or 'cool' and they do get upset as at this age through to their teens, it is a normal part of growing up and there is a lot of psychological theory about this very issue. it is important that they receive positive feedback from their peers that they are 'normal', likeable and ok as a person. this feedback is often not overt - meaning that it is subconsciously derived from spending time with others and feeling comfortable in others company. it does sound like normal teenage angst (albeit quite early), but these days i feel kids grow up too quickly and they are bombarded by tv, adverts and other forms of marketing, so they are much more aware of things they really shouldn'y be worrying about at that age. keep repeating the message that he is 'ok' and the value of personal happiness over that of what other may think. it's great to be individual, and if you encourage him to be a confident kid in the things he likes doing, that will help enormously (like doing martial arts, or being in a club of some descripion, learning a musical instrument etc.) by doing that, he will automatically 'belong' to a wider group of people outside of school and hopefully the issue will become less important over time. that's my advic anyway.....good luck x
for cassa: often kids look at others around them and feel they are less popular or 'cool' and they do get upset as at this age through to their teens, it is a normal part of growing up and there is a lot of psychological theory about this very issue. it is important that they receive positive feedback from their peers that they are 'normal', likeable and ok as a person. this feedback is often not overt - meaning that it is subconsciously derived from spending time with others and feeling comfortable in others company. it does sound like normal teenage angst (albeit quite early), but these days i feel kids grow up too quickly and they are bombarded by tv, adverts and other forms of marketing, so they are much more aware of things they really shouldn'y be worrying about at that age. keep repeating the message that he is 'ok' and the value of personal happiness over that of what other may think. it's great to be individual, and if you encourage him to be a confident kid in the things he likes doing, that will help enormously (like doing martial arts, or being in a club of some descripion, learning a musical instrument etc.) by doing that, he will automatically 'belong' to a wider group of people outside of school and hopefully the issue will become less important over time. that's my advic anyway.....good luck x
Thank you everyone for your ideas.
He does go to Cub Scouts and is desperate to go to camp. It has been cancelled twice because of rain last year and snow this year but will go on the next one. Has asked to go to Gym club but tbh I can't afford that as well but he does do table tennis.
He gets on well with most of the other boys but once the clubs are over they aren't interested in him.
He loves football and runs up and down like a whirling derbisher. He just doesn't have the foot skills to go with his speed :( ((He thinks he is Wayne Rooney or Renaldo or something)) He is a good goaly though and I have suggested that rather than trying to get them to pass to him, he becomes the best goaly he can. Most boys like running with the ball so having a resident goaly is always a good bet. (well that's what I thought anyway). We even went out a got him some goaly gloves and he loves them and tries to practice as much as he can.
They did have their first friends sleep over during the feb half term but that was with their 'besties'
It is intersting that the other members of the 'gang of three' are just as quiet and seem to have the same effect in the ball court!!
They have both expressed a desire to go to drama club so I might look into that for them as well and see how they get on.
He does go to Cub Scouts and is desperate to go to camp. It has been cancelled twice because of rain last year and snow this year but will go on the next one. Has asked to go to Gym club but tbh I can't afford that as well but he does do table tennis.
He gets on well with most of the other boys but once the clubs are over they aren't interested in him.
He loves football and runs up and down like a whirling derbisher. He just doesn't have the foot skills to go with his speed :( ((He thinks he is Wayne Rooney or Renaldo or something)) He is a good goaly though and I have suggested that rather than trying to get them to pass to him, he becomes the best goaly he can. Most boys like running with the ball so having a resident goaly is always a good bet. (well that's what I thought anyway). We even went out a got him some goaly gloves and he loves them and tries to practice as much as he can.
They did have their first friends sleep over during the feb half term but that was with their 'besties'
It is intersting that the other members of the 'gang of three' are just as quiet and seem to have the same effect in the ball court!!
They have both expressed a desire to go to drama club so I might look into that for them as well and see how they get on.
you say he thought he'd have friends because hes intelligent ... do you think he may be being a bit cocky and condescending with people?
pointing out their errors, sneering etc, making others feel a bit stupid, maybe even being a bit haughty, but thinking its ok, because he is 'right' ...?
even in a small way, that sort of attitude will not go down well with the other kids.
you may not see it at home, but maybe speak to the teachers - if thats the case, you can explain about others feelings and being a bit more thoughtful about his actions etc.
pointing out their errors, sneering etc, making others feel a bit stupid, maybe even being a bit haughty, but thinking its ok, because he is 'right' ...?
even in a small way, that sort of attitude will not go down well with the other kids.
you may not see it at home, but maybe speak to the teachers - if thats the case, you can explain about others feelings and being a bit more thoughtful about his actions etc.
Hi,
No he isn't at all condesending. He is quit affable and he has a really 'boy' sort of sence of humour (fart and phoo jokes are the norm at the moment lol).
Honestly it is because he is such a soft boy. He doesn't push himself to the front, is almost always at the back of the queue and will let others take a turn before he gets a go.
If you put him in a room of boys he didn't know he would get on with them and have loads of fun but it wouldn't translate to friends outside of that.
No he isn't at all condesending. He is quit affable and he has a really 'boy' sort of sence of humour (fart and phoo jokes are the norm at the moment lol).
Honestly it is because he is such a soft boy. He doesn't push himself to the front, is almost always at the back of the queue and will let others take a turn before he gets a go.
If you put him in a room of boys he didn't know he would get on with them and have loads of fun but it wouldn't translate to friends outside of that.
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