Terrible Two's

[Otrere]

I am struggling to know what to say to my friend as my dd (same age - 32 months) is pretty much well behaved (am lucky so far!!).

This is her email:

"I dont know what to do. What am i doing wrong,

My daughter is just being beyond naughty. She is hitting me, going to bite, screaming at me, shouting, telling me
to shut up, im naughty, im horribel etc etc

not sure what ive done wrong but shes so bad and i dotn know how to deal with it.

i know i get stressed somedays as everyone does. Im
too soft on her and she knows it and i let her get away with everything. Ive tried toughening up so she knows im serious when i ask her or tell ehr to do stuff. She has no respect for what i say or tell her and smirks at me when i tell ehr off. I really lost it with her the other day as she was screaming at me hitting my legs so i smacked her quite hard, well it hurt my hand and she just laughed at me calling me stupid.

im at the point of tears, i dont know what to do with her. Its such a dramatic change from what she used to be like, she was so good!

i do praise her loads when shes good so she knows when im pleased with her.

after shes been horrible to me she says im sorry for
shouting at you but i just dont what to do."


Can someone please tell me what advice I can give her?

Thanks.

[rampart]

Perhaps this might help. 

First, the parent must always strive to remain calm. At first, the child will drive you to tears, shouting, perhaps awful words. Well, you're normal, so forgive yourself and work on this. It takes time. The parent must gain control of herself first so that she can teach it to the child. So this does not happen overnight. The parent will have to start catching herself and trying harder to maintain a calmer voice at tantrum time.

Next, the parent should come face level with the little darling she'd like to strangle and in that new calm voice explain the situation. "Elisabeth, we do not throw toys like that. You must stop that immediately. You are in time-out." Face leve is important. It gets their attention much better.

You then put the naughty gnome into time-out or a no-no place. Use a high chair in the boring dining room, or perhaps place her in a corner in the hallway. The point is to separate the child from what she was doing. Don't put her in a high traffic area where she can enjoy watching you and the dog, etc. She needs to be able to hear you (security) but not really enjoy the view. Don't visit with her during her sentence. Don't let others visit with her. She stays in the chair for one minute per year. (Two year olds stay two minutes, 3  yr olds, 3 minutes.) The tots normally get quiet in that length of time. Return to her then and, face level, "Elisabeth, you are in time-out because you were throwing toys. We don't throw toys indoors. You must say you are sorry." She stays in time-out until she does so.

The terrible twos will be around until the child knows there is punishment for doing bad things, and the punishment is not worth doing the bad thing. The terrible part does fade away. The key is for the parents to be absolutely consistent and together on this.

[vicars]

On the hitting issue, this will get you nowhere and stores up bad parent memories for years so cut off the habit as if you are trying to give up smoking, just stop. Always stay calm - this shows you are in control - it may take a LONG time but this will get through to her in the end. Rewards are great so it is good this is used - make sure that if she does what you say after telling her off that you say thank you - mummy is happy she did this.

Biting and hitting is something that has to be dealt with through being calm and making it a complete no-no.

[Gef]

Never heard so much crap in my life. Try a swift slap on the bot- always worked with my kids.

[Lindylou]

Well done Gef!  Always worked with mine.  Not talking battering here - just a swift 'boshker' on the bum.  Only ever needed to do it once, possibly twice.  Thereafter the threat was enough!  All my boys are great, never any trouble at all.  And even now the 'stare' is enough to quell any rebellion! 

[Otrere]

Well am afraid I don't agree with smacking. My mum used to smack me and it didn't make the slightest bit of difference. I still did "naughty" things. To me, smacking is a sign of not having any control and if you can't control yourself how do you expect your children to? Its like teaching them that hitting is OK. Maybe it works for some, but for me, personally, no thanks.

[Gevs1966]

If she pinches you, warn her you will pinch her back if she does it again, then if she does it again, pinch her back. If she bites you, warn her taht if she does it again you will bite her back, then if she does it again bite her back, obviously not stupidly hard but hard enough to let her no that it hurts. This accompanied with firm but reasoned words explaining that she had a warning and that she shouldn't do things to people that she would not like done to her should do the trick.

[Gef]

Thanks for your support Lindy. A quick smack was always effective and never did my kids any harm. They're now 22, 24 & 26 and we often laugh about the "bad" things that they got smacked for.

[vicars]

Kids are vulnerable but do things fairly rationally, so understand why they do things and work on that - would you hit an old person because they get in a strop?

[morg_monster]

Has she ever watched little angels? They advocate similar strategies to what Rampart et al suggested. They really do work, you just have to be totally committed to seeing it through, because it will probably get worse before it gets better. They are good programs to watch as as well as all the tips and coping strategies, it lets you know that you aren't the only person in the world with a horrid child.

I can see where Gef is coming from, BUT this child does sound like an absolute nightmare, this is not 'normal' naughtiness, this needs to be dealt with carefully as you do not want this to carry on as she gets older. If Mum carries on being soft on her, she will turn into a spoilt and possibly nasty child and Mum's life will probably be made a misery. She HAS to start showing her who's boss, ALL the time.
Ultimately, this is fairer on the child - she needs someone to take care of her and tell her what to do, what the boundaries of acceptable behaviour are.

I think that sometimes with some children smacking may be effective (if used very sparingly) but in this case it sounds like if Mum carries on with smacking, the child will just carry on hitting Mum, and her friends, siblings, and anyone else who does something she doesn't like. This will turn into a new problem to deal.

I know that some councils run parenting classes, maybe this might be useful if Mum is really desperate for help.

[BossyBoots]

I had to bring in a behavour specialist for my daughter when she was 4 for similar reasons.  Basically I had to restrain her by holding her between my knees with my arms and legs wrapped around her, keeping my head well back in case she knocked my teeth out!  The longest I had to do this was for 45 minutes until my daughter was physically exhausted and couldn't fight me anymore.  It is exhausting emotionally and physically for both of us.  I felt like the worst person on earth and was so low I could have run away. However, the next time it happened I only had to hold her for about 20 minutes and less the next time until eventually she realised that she was not going to win.  IT WORKED.  It was probably the hardest thing I had to do but it had to be done.  The threat of being held is enough however you have to resort back occassionally just to get the message across.  GOOD LUCK

[Mystery01]

Hi there,

My friends little boy is exactly the same. He was a little devil, he used to shout and throw things at her. And she came to me and asked for help as I have a 2 year old little girl. And I know this is probably unbelieveable. But she is the most behaved child. She is 2 and says please, thankyou and pardons. She used to throw really bad tantrums and try to hit me and bite me. But know she is an angel. Anyway back to the point in question.

What I did with my little one is as soon as she was naughty. For instance if she was sat next to me then tried to bite me I would simply move away from her and simply ignore her. Don't even look at her. They will be naughty for a bit longer, then they will wonder why mummy is ignoring them. Then they will try to interact with you, with a toy or a book asking you to look at it. Once they are being nice then give them attention again. I told my friend this as well, and now her little boy as an occasional moment. But she does this it lasts 2 mins. Then he stops.

 

You need to tell your friend to try this, it will be hard for her at first. But a child should never get attention for bad behaviour only for good. And the child will learn this. Children are more intelligent then we think. The listen and learn all the time. Please let me know how you get on. If your friend or yourself need anymore help. Then just ask.

[k_orme]

 

my sister and i both have the same problem but it might sound strange but ours where declared with a medical problem. It was a big relief for us as we both thought we where bad parents.

Try cutting glucose out of her diet. Its expensive to buy the foods but it may be worth it in the end.

It is worth seeing a doctor explaining the situation. pay attention to your childs stumps and sleeping patterns to so you can tell him.

my child has been diagonosed with coeliac disease.

Everything i have read dosen't explain the childs mood etc but the dietician i saw explained it to me.

Is the little girl always hungry etc... Your doctor should be told of this.