Child Advice

[2sp_]

#1 daughter is 4 and enrolled at a local small nursery. Over the last few weeks she has been complaining to me that a certain older and bigger boy has been hitting her.

I told her that if anyone hits her, she is to say "Don't hit me" in a loud voice and tell her nursery teachers right away.

Anyway, yesterday and this morning she was almost hysterical about going in. I took her up and spoke to the teachers who were lovely and are going to keep an eye on things. They are also going to have a chat with the boy in question and a general talk with the whole group about how to behave.

My problem is that #1 said that he had also hit her friend. I'm quite friendly with the little girl's mother and feel that I should tell her what Katie has said. I don't want to stir up trouble, and the teachers have asked me to not mention it to the girl's mother just yet.

If it was the other way round, I would want to know right away. I'd be furious with the other mother for not telling me. But at the same time, I want to follow procedure at nursery.

What would you do?

[grasscarp]

You have put it to the teachers and they have asked you not to say anything. If the child has not mentioned it to her own mother it would suggest that either it didnt happen or the child was not affected by it, so best not to stir things up.

[RATTER15]

If you are friends with the Mother then I would have a chat to her about it, Kids do these things, most parents would want to know! I know I would want to know if my kids were bullying someone and would be really peed off if it was kept from me!

[Prudie]

It's a difficult one because the teachers have specifically asked you not to tell the other mother but one has to consider their motive for saying so. At nursery I would have hoped that the supervisory staff would already have noticed if my daughter was being hit over weeks, furthermore if the other mother was someone you talk to regularly I personally would mention it to her rather than being part of a plan to keep it from her.

[2sp_]

Thanks grasscarp.

I did have a conversation last week with the mother about my own daughter saying that this boy had hit her and that she was reluctant to go to nursery. She (the mother) said that her daughter was also upset at going to school and had mentioned this boy, but not that he had hit her.

I'm not sure if he really did hit the other girl, or if my daughter is just embellishing things! #1 was very specific (and persistent) about being hit and even mentioned a toy that he had used to hit her.

I just want to avoid damaging a friendship with the other mother. She is lovely, but can be quick to raise about her daughter. She (mother) was bullied badly at school herself, and is paranoid that the same will happen to her own little girl.

I might ask the teachers to chat to the mother and see if there have been any problems.

[RATTER15]

"I want to follow procedure at nursery." I doubt if that is procedure, I think they are just trying to hide their incompetence at not spotting it and dealing with it themselves.

[2sp_]

Thanks Ratter and Prudie.

I hate keeping it from her, it's like a lie of omission in my opinion.

[2sp_]

There was an incident a good few months ago where the other girl was kicked in the head by an older girl. There has been a history of nastiness by the older girl towards the younger.

The younger girl had a massive bruise and claimed that X had kicked her. Her mother complained, and the nursery recorded it as a "suspected incident" as the didn't actually see it happen. I wonder if they now look at my friend as a troublemaker as she wasn't happy about how they treated the incident.

[2sp_]

Update -

I spent yesterday in nursery with #1 as part of the Stay and Play thing they do with parents. She was happy and played very well with her friends. I did notice that the boy in question is a lump of a lad, always barging about and not really aware of his bulk or surroundings.

I'm not qualified in any way, but I think he may have learning difficulties. The teachers alluded to issues he has too.

She was hysterical again this morning, so I had to just pass her on to the teacher to give her a cuddle and leg it quick. Heartbreaking when your child is so upset and just wants you to take her home.

Apparently, from what I can gather on the grapevine, there is at least one other girl and one boy having issues with another child. Not sure if it's the same one though.

I feel so bad that she has been telling me that this boy has hit her and I've been telling her to tell the teachers. She told me that she was telling them and I never double checked with them. I feel awful that she's been going through this and I've done nothing.

I feel like the sh*ttiest mother ever.