I There Life Without Fran?

[ottosump]

Hi group, I'm in a dilemma. My partner ( I will call Fran), soulmate & trusted friend has tore my heart out. Last summer we had Frans relatives stopping over for a few days, one of these was her male cousin, she is 45, he is 55. We would have a drink in the evening and because I had work the next day they would stop up talkin, until 4-5AM. After they left Fran spoke how close she was to her cousin, whom she had only met once before when they were children. I noticed an increase in calls and texts but never thought much, she then made an excuse to go visit him for a weekend to help him pack prior to a house move. When she came back all was well, but she became very clingy, needing loves & reassurance all the time, to be honest it got quite overbearing. The test messages and calls increased, she would hide her phone from me when i entered the room, she would go to bed and when I went in hours later she was on her phone texting, she always had one excuse or another. Our three kids ( all in their 20's) noticed her behaviour and made comments which she took a strong offence to, stating that it was her cousin and they were sick to even suggest such things. Eventually Fran told me that he was coming to visit for a long weekend, it was the weekend that I was due to work 12 hrs 6am - 6pm Fri, sat & Mon. I managed to get leave planned for the days as Fran said she had planned to take him sightseeing in the lake district, I assumed I was invited. A week befoe his arrival Fran told me his work had messed him about and he couldn't make that weekend, however he could call a fortnight later, when again I was in work Frid sat & Mon. He arrived on the Friday, later than expected, the missus met him at our local tesco's?I came home form work, the missus had dyed her hair, had her good clother on etc. He came to my home, ate my food, drank a couple of beers then we all went to bed, the missus never cuddled me that night, we always cuddle, I slept for a short while then turned over, I noticed that she was on the end of the bed uncovered as though she was waiting to get up. I could take no more, I confronted her. I lied and told her that I had a program on my phone which could read messages from other phones and I knew what was going on ( I should have mentioed that a fortnight ago Fran sent me a saucy picture message of herself to me, she is usually very prude and this was really out of character) I told her i had found these picture on his phone when i had used the imaginary software, she got up without hesitation and started packing, this was quarter past five in the morning. I told Fran I wanted his skinny *** out of my house, she told me to keep quiete as I was embarrising her, I got up to make myself a cuppa, Fran told me to go back to bed as she didn't want a confrontation, I refused. She ntered his room and I could her low speaking, the only words I made out was from his mouth " How does he know" when he came out of the room I asked if he was happy that he had ruined our relationship, no reply, I asked if he liked the pictures he was sent bu Fran, no reply, I asked why? he said " I don't know what to say" he never made eye contact, i told him to leave my house or I would kill him, Fran stated she was going to her mams for a while and he was dropping her off. Hours later I contaced Frans mother, she hadn't seen them. I tried their mobiles, both were switched off, fran contacted one of the kids after tea time to say she was in Carlisle, they must have bought a new phone or sim as it was a number we didn't know. Various converstaions flowed between mam and the kids, I got nothing. I did find out that she had withdrawn 300 pounds from our account in the morning.
I put a hell of a night in, hardly slept, haven't eaten since Friday afternoon, everywhere I look I can see Fran, all the plans we had with our new house, the places we were going to visit, its all gone, I had enough, my heart is literally breaking apart. I contacted her and told her

[ottosump]

I contacted her and told her that I wanted her back and I would forgive her, now my daughter has threatened to disown me if I alow her mother back in the house. Fran said she need time and would call me back, she did, she told me that she will come back tomorrow, I said its not good enough, I can't stand the though of you being with someone else tonight, she said these are her terms & they are not negotiable. Know I'm starting to realise what i've done, can I ever trust her again if she does come back, apparently her cousin is now homeless as his mother has put him out since finding out. Will I return from work one day to find her gone once he does get sorted. I'm at my whits end. The kids have been supportive, but I can't see my life existing without her in it.
Sorry for any mispellings, but I'm not myself at the moment
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I just needed to put it down in writing x

[murraymints]

oh dear..you need space to really think things through without any pressure from kids etc..

clearly things have happened and you have to decide if you can forget let alone forgive ..

I would not make any threats or lay down conditions about her potential return either and neither should she...can you meet on neutral ground without any other interference to lay your cards on the table in an honest manner...?

If it were me I would be waiting for the next time....and to return home because it is domestically convenient rather than because she has been genuinely regretful and wants to be with you more than him..is a BIG BIG mistake..

you have a lot of talking to do and a lot of air to clear..don't rush into anything because it is the easiest option..

good luck xx

[ummmm]

You're hurting and it's too early to know if you can forgive. You might persuade her to come back and soon down the line it really hits you what she's done and you realise that you can't forgive her.

Only time can tell.

What are the other kids saying?

[TWR]

What you have said Otto "HER TERM'S" my reply to that would have, On Your Bike, Don't be made a fool of Otto.

[saintpeter48]

There isn't an easy answer to your problem, in fact I think the problem is only just starting. The damage has been done and if she comes back how can you guarantee that you'll not bring her 'dalliance' up in future arguments or if she is late sometime will you wonder if she is with him, or everytime she's on the phone texting, will you question her to whether its him again. Sadly I think the trust has now gone for good, it will get better in time, a long time methinks, but I'll be surprised if she cuts all ties with him and maybe you are taking her back for all the wrong reasons. Have a meeting with your children, without her, see what they all have to say, then if you decide to have her back take it slowly, start 'courting' again, live apart for awhile and build the relationship from scratch. I wish you well.

[david small]

Betrayed after so long together. Deeply sad for you. If it was me. I could not forgive or forget. Divorce acrimoniously, or otherwise. She choose this path, not you. I would be furious and bitter. The sooner she got her unfaithful hide out of my life the better. You will need a lot of strength.

[ottosump]

Thanks for all the advice guys, well she came back but it could never work as she refused to cut contact with her cousin, she is now living with him somewhere down south, initially I hurt, but things have got better. I've had a few calls from her saying she's made a mistake and she wants to come back, I can't allow myself to be hurt like that again, things are too ram so I told her it's over. Now the fun begins with who takes what, thats another story. Thanks again, I am coping a lot better. X