Problem Parent

[HongKongphooey]

My mother is 83. She lives around the corner from me in a rented bungalow. I have one older brother who lives 250 miles away. (When my mum couldn't cope after being widowed at age 53 my sister-in-law made it pretty obvious she wouldn't want mum to live near her, so she moved near to me.) Since then we have been through alot of tough times with her, medically she has had quite a few problems, is totally lame, and over the years has had a big hoarding problem, a postal shopping addiction, and been the target of many postal scams, charities, all of which I have had to sort out. My brother has tried to help where possible but is a bit of a workaholic and only comes up 2 or 3 times a year for a couple of days. I don't blame him, he tries his best, but mum is very difficult. Mum to her credit looks after herself, but lately has become more frail. She has said more than once that she would rather die than go into sheltered accom. or a home. Its just I don't know how long she can carry on living independantly. She relies on me for her shopping, trips to the doctor, clinics, chiropodist, trips to the hairdresser, she insists I take her or she would just not get her hair washed. I suspect she's not washing properly either lately. I work 9-2 every day and am finding it exhausting looking after mum as well. She has skin problems which need me to apply creams 2 or 3 times a week. I've tried to get help from social services, but they won't help without her paying which she could afford, but won't agreed to any help except me doing it. Social services also said she's not bad enough and they have too many cases besides her.
I feel guilty cos I get snappy sometimes, cos she makes up stories about things that didn;t happen. My brother says she has mental issues, but not any dementia. I don't claim any carers allowance, I just do it cos if I didn't she'd suffer on her own. Sometimes I feel really down. My husband sympathises but realises my mum won't do anything she doesn;t want to. He also works long hours so I try not to bother him with my worries.

[Jackdaw33]

Sheltered accommodation is not a care home. I live in such. The only thing different about it is that there is a 24/7 alarm system so you can summon assistance at any time of day or night. Also, chiropodists and hairdressers tend to visit the complex on a regular basis for the convenience of those who require their services and might not be greatly mobile. Apart from that you are expected to be totally independent. It is not for those who cannot look after themselves.

[-SharonA-]

Hongkongphooey I know what you're going through as I am the same. My dad is 90, lives alone, is fiercely independent and stubborn. I have begged him to move into my house as it would make life easier all round, but no. I have a brother who does not want to know and he probably calls his dad about 3 times a year.
It is very tiring and hard work. I have since retired and am doubly tired.
He won't accept help and is getting frail. Memories, understandably are going as he asked me who is my mum? But what can we do??

lon

[woofgang]

I know a bit about situations like yours as I have been there personally and also have seen these situations from the professional side. Does she go to the doctor and could you talk to her doctor about your worries? He won't be able to tell you much but he will be able to listen and suggest things. If your mother has got mental issues then the community mental health service should be able to help, if she hasn't, then can I suggest that its time that you sat down with your mum and gently laid out the limits of what you can and can't do.
Could she afford to take taxis to things like the hairdressers? Bulk shopping can be done online (could you do it for her?) or she might like the frozen ready meals. There are many organisations who offer befriending services who would go with your Mum to things like the hairdressers, maybe even go shopping with her. If her skin problem is a diagnosed one, then maybe a district nurse could visit and apply the cream. Try and save your time with her for the things that no one else can do and also for things like tea and a chat, watching telly together....the mother daughter stuff.
There were three of us to look after my Mum. One of us was retired and the other two still at work, the nearest one lived around 70 miles away. We all accepted that she wanted to stay in her own home but we had to be up front about what this meant and what we could manage to do for her. the conversations were sad and a bit painful but absolutely necessary.
Please don't feel bad or guilty. Keeping one frail elderly person in their own home is never easy and CANNOT be done by one person.

[tonyav]

Would having a mobile hairdresser help a bit.

[Jackdaw33]

Chiropodists certainly do home visits.

[HongKongphooey]

Thanks, for all your support. At least I know I'm not on my own. She had a mobile chiropodist, but refused to have her anymore because she didn't do the job right. Also I'm too embarrassed to arrange a mobile hairdresser cos of her hoarding problem, the house is like an extreme obstacle course. Getting rid of anything is impossible cos mum gets hysterical. I think she'd disown me if I contacted mental health services because she doesn't' think she has a problem. But thanks Woolfgang, helpful advice, I might speak to the doc next time I have an appointment, mum has had a run in with her,so she knows what shes like. I've tried to explain about sheltered accom but shes adamant its one step nearer the grave!

[237SJ]

Have you got power of attorney? You can do it yourself and it won`t cost very much https://www.lastingpowerofattorney.service.gov.uk/home Does she receive the Attendance Allowance? https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/overview You could also get on to your local council and obtain a Careline which might give you peace of mind https://www.careline.co.uk/about-us/

[Jackdaw33]

Ask your mother's regular chiropodist if he/she does home visits. A friend of mine sets aside one day per week for that very purpose.

[237SJ]

Don`t forget the Age UK website for further help http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

[HongKongphooey]

Power of Attorney is out of the question, she thinks thats for people who have dementia and wouldn't dream of allowing me to look after her affairs. Thankfully, I've managed to stop all the junk mail,scams charities etc and she seems to be over the shopping addiction now, after me begging her not to buy any more stuff. She does get attendance allowance but says its not to spend on a carer, but herself.

[237SJ]

You can apply for Power of Attorney but not register it which means it is there for if you need it in the future but is not active yet.

[237SJ]

When my Mum got the Attendance Allowance the person from the hospice said that she could spend it on whatever she liked - holidays, presents for the grandkids etc. There is no rule as to how it has to be spent

[Mamyalynne]

The hardest conversation needs having ,make the cuppa ,hold her hands and say 'Mum,we can't go on like this,we need help'.

You won't be letting her down and you've had great advice above.

[Psybbo]

As my son says "Time for hard love, mum" in regards to my 96 yr old parent, you have my sympathies, look after yourself

[woofgang]

mamya's advice....excellent!