my mother in law hates me

[im alone]

My future mother in law has made it clear that she doesn't like me or approve of me....she use to be nice but now that she sees me staying in his life she has changed her attitude towards me.....I have dated her son for almost 3 years .......I am pregnant now ............and she is not happy about it......... I am 27 he is 30.....She can be rude or evil to me all that she wants but nobody in the family will stand up to her......My boyfriend says he feels stuck he doesn't know what to do....I feel like my baby and me are this ugly little secret........My family loves and support me in everything...I use to have love in my heart for my boyfriend now I have anger,pain,broken promises and resentment....we use to have a future together....but now I don't know where we will be after the baby comes.....I am crying now as I write this.........he knows that I am hurting.....I have made it clear to him.....he has admited that I have done nothing wrong or disrespectful to her....she has not once  aknowledge my baby I am now almost 6 months pregnant........he has a house for his parents sister and niece.............I have my own apt.........I feel like this is my last chance.......I dont want to break up my family ....I just cant take it anymore.........I dont know what to do...I just want to runaway from him and his family.............I have not once talked back to his mom but I just want her to tell me what I did that was so wrong..........He is scared.....he doesn't want to upset his mom...I see him in a whole new light....I am losing resepect for him day by day.............. 

[andy hughes]

This problem is actually more common than you may think - it's a mother / son thing. Daughters don't do this, because women are independent by nature.

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting through what should be a happy time for you. You have to sit your partner down and tell him that he has to make a choice between you and your baby, or his mother, it really is as simple as that.

Remind him that this situation is not of your making - his mother has created it, and he allows it to continue, and it cannot go on any more - your baby will be here soon, and you need to know if it's the three of you, or and baby on your own.

Choices are hard, but it shouldn't be like this - and the people who have caused it have to sort it out. For the record, my mother was the same over my wife because she was divorcing, with two children from her first marriage. i decided to be a partner, and then husband first, and a son second, if it had to be that way. twenty-five years on, I have never regretted my desision. My mother and have a 'difficult' relationship because of what happened - but my wife is the woman I'm going to grow old with - that's the way I see it.

One thing is sure, push is coming to shove, and you need to move on, with your partner or not. I hop things work out for you.

[libertie]

I myself have two daughters-in-law and try never to interfere.......not always easy!  My ex-husbands mother was a bit interfering and I vowed I would never be like her, and hopefully I'm not!  It's a pity that she can't be happy for you both and look forward to the birth of her grandchild!  Like Andy says choices are hard but they will have to be made and if your boyfriend does'nt have the gumption to stand up to his mother and support you then maybe you do have to consider the future without him.  This should be a time of great joy for you both! Good luck for the future and I do hope that your boyfriend decides to stand up to his mother and make his future with you and his baby ~ but if not then it will be his loss!  From what you say it sounds like you have a loving and supportive family who I'm sure will be there for you whatever you decide. Xx

[lissyl78]

I really sympathise with you and am so sorry you're feeling like this.

The problem is if you approached her yourself, and by some miracle she apologised and changed her ways, you would always have in the back of your mind that your partner did nothing about it himself.

She is his mother and it's down to him to ensure that she treats you with respect. More importantly than that though, is the fact that you're pregnant and shouldn't be getting stressed or upset and for him to see this and not do anything about is, is unbelieveable. If he's not man enough to have a few cross words with his mother, than he's not man enough to be a responsible father. I know it's hard but like Andy says, he has to make a choice and understand that he only has himself to blame for being made to choose.

Good luck and lots of love x

[Bottom]

I argee with most of what the others say, I am sure your boyfriend will choose you and the baby, but being 6mths pregnant myself, and always crying and homones all over the place. If he does not choose between you both, surely this will stress you and the baby out even more.

I personally would try to scare my partner for a few days, tell him unless he speaks to his mother and finds out what the hell she is playing at, you will not come back, you have to be cawl to be kind. If he does not then he is spineless. She may be doing this because she can, as she knows he will not to nothing about it.

I find it very odd that she is in control of a young couple starting a family, that she may well be breaking up. I dont believe she will not what anything to do with her own grandchild once the baby is here, if she dont then she is cutting her nose off to spite her face.

I really hope it goes well for you,Good luck with the baby xxx

[maggie01]

My mother in law was like this and when the children came along she was not really interested. He used to visit his mum with the children but It always caused arguments when he came home. In the end we moved a fair distance away. My parents lived not far from his mum and we would stay with them for weekends and he would go and see his family with the children. It fealt like I was on my own sometimes. I never had a row with him mum I just knew she didn't approve of me. I didn't speak to her for 20 yrs and she is dead now. I have spent a lot of my marriage resenting my husband for not sticking up for me and I feel forcing me to move away from my family as well. I hope you can work it out. The best thing to do I feel is to live your life as a family. Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby when it arrives. Don't beat yourself up about his mum otherwise in a way she wins. If your partner visits his mum try not to ask questions and ask him not to repeat anything his mum says which he knows will upset you. I am sure you can make it work. Some men are just a bit weak when it comes to their mum. They are stuck in the middle and don't want to offend anyone. In the end it will be her loss as she will miss out on a lot with your baby. I hope you can work it out. At the moment you have to think about yourself and not get upset. Enjoy your pregnancy All the best .

[qapmoc]

Hi,   Sorry for your troubles but the real reason is the fact that you are a woman who is trying to take "her little boy" away from her!  Not much you can do because she is correct!!    You partner must sort this out by making her realise that you are who he wants but it sounds like he is also "mummy's little boy" and he does not have the courage to do the right thing.  Andy Hughes post 1 is about right and you have got to decide soon.    

[Lou Knee]

Your fella must make the choice.  You should be top of his list.  His Mum must come to realise that she is no longer on top of his list.  She has to realise that her son is now part of a 'package'.........if she wants one part of the package then she should accept the whole thing.  If his lack of choice is upsetting you as much as it seems it is then you must talk to him and tell him this, but remember, he is a bloke............so you may have to say it many times before it sinks in.  If he will not put you and the forthcoming baby at the top of his list, then you would be far better off to strike him off yours....I know that is easy for me to type that and not have to live it but you have a baby to think of...this should be a very happy time for you.........make him see that you should be smiling a lot more than crying.....I wish you well with the new baby.........XXX

[louadams6]

if it wasnt for you your mother in law wouldnt have her sons grandchild to look forward to and she has to understand (though speaking from experience she may not).  I know its hard but dont run away if you truly want to be a family together. You need to take this a step at a time, do what you feel is right for you and your baby firstly and foremost, if you want to stay with your partner talk to him, explain how upset you are and that its no good for you and your baby and if you do stay together then confront his mom on her own and try to sort things out or write her a letter explaining how you feel or you could totally blank her out which i find works better sometimes! but i do know one thing if you have done nothing wrong then she has no right whatsoever to intimidate you and you should hold your head up high and be proud. Put yourself and your baby first whatever happens and i wish you all the luck in the world with this i really do x

[louadams6]

p.s. sorry, reading back first sentence should have read she wouldnt have her sons child to look forward to!

[soobet]

I also agree with most of what the others have said. However the baby will have the biggest pull of all and im sure it will be pulling your way. She is a stupid woman who will loose out on her grandchild if she is not careful. Mothers and sons have very strange relationships if i were you id just try my best to keep away from her. Let her come to you when you have the baby and if she dont its her loss. Take care keep your chin up. Soo x

[Dakota]

Hi there,  my heart goes out to you.  I hate to be a bit of a part pooper here, but why does he have to choose between you both?  If she were not his mother but just a *friend*, would you hesitate to actually ask her what is wrong?

I'm absolutely not condoning her actions toward you, but there is obviously something bothering her and you need to get to the root of the problem.  Your partner is obviously quite willing to turn a blind eye to the situation so you need to take action yourself.  Can you take a deep breath, work up the courage and pay her a visit without your partner being there, so it is only the pair of you and ask her outright, without aggression or animosity, what is wrong.

Explain to her how hurt you feel, how much you love her son and would love nothing more than for everyone to get on and welcome the birth of your child.  Maybe she feels resentment that you are "taking away her son", could you include her in some things?, like choosing colour schemes for the nursery?

If you talk to her direct then the chances are she will deny that there is anything wrong, but please persevere and tell her how you feel, if it turns out to be an argument where she starts shouting etc. then there is every chance that the heart of the problem will come out then, I know myself when I'm shouting through anger (not very often, I hasten to add!) that my true feelings come out.  If she continues to deny anything, then I'm ambsolutely certain that when you leave she will actually sit herself down and think about her actions and without acknowledging that she was in the wrong, slowly but surely change her ways.

Continued on next post - apparently my reply is too is too long to post......!

[Dakota]

You also need to have a talk with your partner as after the birth of your child there is going to be many many situations in the coming 18 years that the child is going to do things that you and your partner need to support each other with, it will start off the child asking you for pocket money, you saying no, then asking your partner and him giving it - little things like that escalate into very big things the older the child gets so you need your partners 100% backing in every aspect of child rearing.  If he cannot stand up to his own mother, then there's problems from the begining.  If it turns out that you and your partner decide to go your separate ways, you will still have contact with him since you have a child to tiw you to each other, so I really think this needs to be done very soon.

I hope that any of that makes sense as it was being typed as it was entering my head, rather than a clear plan of what to say to you.  I wish you the very best of luck - it won't be easy starting a conversation like that with your mother in law - but it might be the best conversation you'll ever have.

Please let us know how you get on xxx

[stevie21]

I completely agree with Dakota. Although it may not work I think you've got to at least try talking to her. It's not an easy option but are any of the options easy?

It's absolutely imperative that if you do talk to her, that you remain calm and don't shout (or she'll get very very defensive - more so than she is already) and you'll get nowhere. Just explain how you feel, how it hurts you to be in this position and that you really want to get on and make progress. To all move forward together.

[stefanja]

It must be very hard.  Is there no one you can talk to for some objective help.

It could be perhaps that his mother feels her son is slipping away from her.  Someone told me that many mothers feel their use as a person is over when children leave home and move away.

Is it possible for you to remain calm, and when next you and your boyfriend are there ask her what she feels about so and so, say an item you are thinking of buying for the forthcoming baby.  Try and find some common interest.  I am not sayaing it is easy but if you can it will help and take the pressure off all round.

Also as a help to you think about having something soothing like a very gentle massage, or rad about Bach Flower Remedies which work on the emotions.

 

Good luck.

 

Stefanja

[Baronvhb]

Hi my wife used to have a problem with my mother and vice versa, I hope that neither one of them felt this bad.

It only got sorted out when I realised there was a problem and spoke to both of them about it while they will never be friends they can at least be in the same room a seach other.

If your boyfriend wont dont that maybe its time you got shot of him and his (possibly) Evil cow of a mother.

[stevie21]

Has anyone noticed that
"Mother In Law"
is an anagram of
"Woman Hitler" ??

Coincidence? Perhaps.

[William1970]

This is simple.

ALWAYS and I repeat ALWAYS be polite NO MATTER WHAT! Even if you want to rip the bitches head off. DONT give her any reason to moan. If she dislikes anything you do, discuss it with your man later and get him to put your point of view. ALWAYS be polite.

Your man MUST also be on your side. No man worth his pinch of salt would do other. I would NEVER let anyone in my family disrespect my wife - she comes first over the rest of my family and vice versa.

If he can't be on your side he aint worth dedicating your life too. Sorry to sound harsh, but the reality is that he has now left his Mother's apron strings and has to stand up for what he loves and believes in i.e. you and your child.

Just so you know...most of us have relatives we hate the f*cking sight of! I have them in my family...I just put up with their claptrap...in one ear and out the other. It will be harder for you as you will obviously have to deal with your man's Mother a lot.

The real problems may well start when your child is born. DON'T stand for intrusions that you think are unwarranted. BE FIRM and polite ALWAYS. But stand your ground.

Maybe in time, things will improve. My mother didn't really accept my wife at first. Now 13 years and 2 children on - I think she likes her more than me!

Kind Regards, William.

[AKParrotHead]

Talk, talk, talk about it....to your partner and his crazy mother. I found if everyone just gets it out there, whatever "it" is, everybody can be on the same page. Maybe there's something that happened that's as simple as a miscommunication and now it's just all blown up into this emotional mess. My husband and I joke about who has the worst mother in law. (I say he does, he says it's me!) There's been times where feelings got hurt and the bitch comes out in all of us. You, your partner and mother in law to be should all get together and talk it out. A 3rd party that's not emotionally involved helps sometimes too. Good luck and be happy! Your baby will be a joy.

[Baronvhb]

Dammed fine advice William1970!!!

if she cant be nice to you,

really **** her off by being incredibly nice to her give her NO AMMUNITION (or however it's spelt)

[carynb]

Hey

I totally sympathise as I am in the same boat (minus being pregnant, that is). My partner & I are due to get married in October & his mother refuses to come to the wedding. She says it's supposed to be a day of happiness but instead she will be mourning. It's strange as her & I used to get along so well when we first met but she's just changed overnight it seems. My boyfriend has spoken to her so many times. Each time he reassures her that he loves her & that she's not "losing" him; but that he loves me too & wants to be with me.
It's very difficult as I want her to be a part of our lives & the lives of our future children. I take the view that she's an adult & she has to make decisions. There is absolutely nothing more I can humanely do to fix this situation so all I can do now is respect her decision to not be in our lives. It's sad & my finacee is the one who is suffering the most through this all.

Pray about it - that genuinely has given me peace. Good luck.