Trouble With Teens

[Scarlett]

My sister has trouble with her 20 year old son; he has missed so much college he has failed his year, and will have to leave. She knows that he has also left all of his part time jobs as he seems to just not be able to cope- mentally or physically; he could be lazy or depressed, but she feels he is not depressed as when he is mopey and down, he is often laughing and messing about ten minutes later. The thing is, he is displaying behaviour exactly like his Dad, who is bone idle, never worked and let my sister run the house, clean the house, shop, cook, raise the kids, pay for everything AND work. I think that his behaviour is clearly learned from his Dad and how he has seen his own family behave, and so now he is copying that, subconsciously. My question is, is there any way to break this cycle?

[tonyav]

Sounds to me like your right, Scarlett.
It's in his genes.

My question is, is there any way to break this cycle?

A good kick up the *rse by the sounds of it while he's still young enough to change.

[anneasquith]

Your sister tells her son to get a job, contribute to the household bills or out he goes ( I'm assuming his dad is too lazy to be bothered ) ?

[tonyav]

Yes, has anne say's.

Also your sister should be very miserly with any pocket money she may give him. If he wants more money then get a job.

[Scarlett]

He doesn't live at home- he lives away for college, but now has no course to be on! She has been sending him money as he has nothing much to live on. His Dad and my sister are not together anymore. She has tried being tough with him but has had to give him money in order to try to keep him on his course. I think he has had everything too easy, knowing his Mum will sort everything for him if he runs into any problems. I'm hoping it's not in his genes, it's simply that he has been brought up seeing the man of the house be lazy and the woman do everything and he now thinks that is his role. Question is, how can it be reversed, other than refusing him money etc?

[Mamyalynne]

It can't be reversed without him suffering the consequences of his actions and that includes financing his lazy behaviour - if he's dropped out of college then he'll have to find something else.

She'll always love him , we always do but she must never be afraid to tell him that at the moment she doesn't like him or his actions.

[Scarlett]

She is confused because she doesn't know whether he is lazy or has mental health problems. He was very driven and worked hard when at school, he has just recently become what seems to be lazy and careless with money, and stopped doing his work.

[tonyav]

Has he recently got involved with any new pals that have had an influence on him ?.

[vetuste_ennemi]

//Sounds to me like your right, Scarlett. It's in his genes.//

From the OP:

"The thing is, he is displaying behaviour exactly like his Dad, who is bone idle, never worked and let my sister run the house, clean the house, shop, cook, raise the kids, pay for everything AND work."

Seems to me that the factors affecting his behaviour far from being genetic (he does have two parents, doesn't he?) are entirely environmental, Scarlett. He's seen a successful strategy for living off other people's efforts.

Although, frankly, Scarlett, (and please forgive me - I can't help myself) I don't give a damn.

[Scarlett]

I don't know about the new pals... I think he has been living the high life in the city after a sheltered village upbringing. Yes he has two parents but only his Mum works/takes an interest in him/gives him money and actual support. His Dad is a waste of space sadly.

[anneasquith]

Like all of us, discovering alcohol, women ( in his case) self medicating ?

[jno]

Not even a teen any more. Depression is a possibility; so are drugs, I suppose. But his mother will have to decide for herself how much responsibility she wants to take on for his problems. He's an adult.

[Cloverjo]

My son went through a similar thing. He had some kind of illness - whether depression or something else, still not sure. He left his uni course as he'd fallen so far behind, and started again after a year out. He was living with us and we fed him, but he had to work if he wanted money, and he helped around the house.

He is now doing fine, finished his degree and has a good job, so all is not lost with your nephew. He might need a firm hand to get him going again but giving him money for doing nothing is not going to help. Might be worth checking for depression.

[Eleena]

Hi Scarlett,
as his mother/ guardian .. I'd probably give him a roof over his head and a meal that's all. At least she will be able to monitor him and how he is. I certainly wouldn't be giving him any money, she needs to get real and drastic now.

[Eleena]

It's hard to take a course of action and be consistent, that's what he needs though, a roof over his head and a meal in his stomach, it's up to him then.

[Old_Geezer]

I'd suspect more nature than nurture. Does one learn a frame of mind, a feeling of not being able to get going or attempt life ?

20 seems a little old to change, but may still be possible. Maybe there's a loan he can apply for and other courses where he can enrol knowing it's a final chance to turn his life around.

Not offering financial solutions so essily from the bank of mum & dad might help. No one has unlimited resources and it's fair to reach a point where one can't afford to bail out any more.

Late teens and early twenties can be trying (well so can any age, but any period of change can be more intense). He may be close to pulling himself together; maybe the shock of having to do something might kickstart that.

[Old_Geezer]

EASILY !!!

[ummmm]

People can be a bit quick to label someone as depressed.

The mother has no choice, she'll have to cut off his money supplies. He's old enough to claim benefits. Let him learn how much fun he can have on them.

[murraymints]

I agree with ummmm... he's had a taste of freedom..albeit financed by others.. and wants the easy going no pressure life style..as long as someone is paying for it.... needs nipping in the bud now !!

[EDDIE51]

''He was very driven and worked hard when at school, he has just recently become what seems to be lazy and careless with money, and stopped doing his work.''
Sorry. but having been through this with my daughter it sounds to me like he has started 'doing drugs'.
The fact that you say 'he has been living the high life in the city after a sheltered village upbringing' suggests drugs as well. My guess is that he is using 'weed' . He will definitely have been offered it by dealers and told ''everyone does it. it's cool''

[Peter Pedant]

// Although, frankly, Scarlett, (and please forgive me - I can't help myself) I don't give a damn.//

jeez then why post ? - other posts I cant stand are comments like 'I cant comment' ......

I thought this sort of behaviour was hard wired ( inherited ) . Behaviour can be inherited ( used to be called ethology and only concerned Instinct until Tinbergen came a long).
and I look on my sister with That Look when she goes thro exactly what my mother did and said at that age ( 70).

You know the same nonstarters and mannerisms that mysister used to ridicule fifty years ago as ridiculous non=sequiturs.

and yes - hardworking parents do produce shirkers.
which is kinda odd since the shirker can see by contrast that it is nt really a career anyone would want

well our family used to ..... tell them to get a job or chuck them out .