Daughter Informed Me Today That Her Husband Has Said He Wants To Split

[jourdain2]

My younger daughter R has, I know, struggled with her marriage for some time. He, another R so I'll call him RT has always had relationship problems and recently even accepted that he needed counselling. His dad committed suicide, his mum is a decidedly difficult and aloof, controlling person and I find her distinctly odd (she never liked my daughter)but wealthy.

R rang me today to say that RT said he blamed himself sand had struggled but felt they needed to split. Then went on to blame her for lack of support. I know she has sincerely tried for years - she married him because he felt insecure. Huge mortgage, he earns £60K +, she is a teaching assistant and is on about £14K (high stress job dealing with autistic children). However, there are 2 children - boy of 9 and girl of 7. Boy has been more than difficult for some time, resulting in admission to child health unit.


He has told daughter that because he paid most of deposit for house (his mum gave it to them)it remains his house, not hers and he refuses to move out. Since he's been either away on business for over the last year or sleeping at his mum's (the kids didn't notice he'd gone last night because they are so used to his absences) I can't see why he is staying. Can she chuck him out? They had been married for some years when house bought in joint names.

I'm not up-to-date with modern divorce law. Daughter thinks she'll be in penury, I'm sure he'll have to house and support his children and the only reason that she couldn't train as a full teacher was because he was away so much that she had to be there for the kids, so presumably he'll have to support her as well.

Trying to find her a decent divorce lawyer, Tadcaster/Leeds/York area if anyone knows of one. She's in shock at the moment. I could do with a brief run-down of current law. She wants to keep it friendly because of the kids - but it is Hell for her having him in the same house. Deep thanks for any advice.

[andy-hughes]

As I understand it, she will not be made to vacate the house because she has children, but you are right, you need a good solicitor to advise.

I am very sorry for your family situation, I hope it gets resolved with the minimum amount of pain for everyone.

[jourdain2]

Thanks, a-h.

[Old_Geezer]

No expert, but I think he's trying it on.
Hopefully a legal eagle type can advise soon.

[Mamyalynne]

Sorry for your troubles J.x

[jourdain2]

Even more thanks O_G. That's what I think. She feels she can make it amicable - but if RT is mentioning money and houses on day 1 after a rambling 'mea culpa' speech (urged on by his mum)I am very doubtful and the children are very vulnerable.

[jourdain2]

mamya, also many thanks (somewhat watery smile). :)

[Patsy33]

So sorry for the emotional pain you must be going through jourdain. I'm sure he can't just turf her out. He seems to be only thinking of himself imo. Hope you can find a good solicitor. x

[Buenchico]

From reading your post, it would seem inevitable that a court will have to be involved in order to get things sorted out. However a court won't grant a hearing until your daughter has at least attended a meeting to see if mediation would be a better route to a solution.

(See here and click on 'mediation' for more information: https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends ).

So rather than (or possibly as well as) looking a solicitor, your daughter should be seeking a local mediator:
https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/

[jourdain2]

Many thanks Patsy and Buen --- I'll get onto it now I am coming out of shock and anger. :)

[ladybirder]

Jourdain not long had a divorce in our family after over 20 years of marriage. One child involved of school age. The children' welfare will be paramount and the court will not grant a decree until they are satisfied that is the case. Who has custody of the children will be crucial. Has it been agreed that your daughter will have custody?

[Marjoprydore]

Sorry for the sadness but I am sure she has rights to the house, especially with the children. I can recommend someone but they do not live in your area, This does not matter however.

[jourdain2]

Woof - thanks. Nothing has been agreed as yet. I really don't know what is going on. R's sister (lives not far away) went over and RT refused to speak to her, he was making kids' tea. I can't see why daughter shouldn't be given custody, but RT seems to think that he and his mum should. Daughter is not a druggie or a drunk and has been responsible for kids more or less on her own for over a year now. She couldn't pick them up from school on Tuesday and I drove from near Filey to the other side of York to collect them - RT was, yet again, away. (It is an hour and a half drive each way, by the way.) As I said, his mum is somewhat odd - whips the kids off on holiday and spoils them rotten- then of course they expect (and don't get) it from me and their mum.

[Prudie]

Just to say sorry Jourdain, your daughter must be distraught. It's a long while since I went through a nasty divorce but get a good solicitor and make sure your daughter is tough and mean as the other party usually ends up being the same in these cases. Also tell her she will get through it all and be happy again one day, good luck.

[jourdain2]

Marjoprydore- thanks for your reply. Perhaps your contact could recommend someone in our area? Would you mind asking, please?

[ladybirder]

J, were you replying to me when you wrote "woof"?

[jourdain2]

Prudie -thank you so much. x I've been there myself and have already told her that she'll be fine and we (family) are with her. I'm worried that she is trying to be too nice for the kids' sake. I feel it in my bones that this is going to get nasty and she needs to get tough. Perhaps, for once, she'll listen to me - I've been there too. Getting a bit weepy myself, need to pull myself together. :) Will do!

[jourdain2]

So very sorry, ladybirder, yes, I was replying to you. I really apologise - saw dog avatar and...……….. please forgive me, bit distraught this evening.

[ladybirder]

She must at least go for Joint Custody if not Sole Custody. Regarding a solicitor, we opted for a fixed price of £500 in our case and she was very good. The couple did agree a deal between themselves with Joint Custody and monies divided equally. However their solicitors said the court wouldn't accept what they had agreed, even though they were both happy, as it gave one a monetary advantage. Both solicitors put their heads together and made a suggestion as to how this could be made more equal and the Court accepted it.

[ladybirder]

Nothing to forgive Jourdain. He will not be able to have it all his own way so try to see a solicitor asap and I think you will feel a little better. X

[Peter Pedant]

the um disposal of the children will be on their best interests. 98% mums get the kids

the assets should be straight down the middle - so his cont will be included in his 50% - this wouild be a paper amount as the woman cant be chucked out of the house if she has the kids ...he is arrissing about assets so it looks as tho lawyers ( who charge a sizeable wodge ) are gonna get involved
( and yes I know nothin about divorce law and division of assets )
and yeah I agree about getting the mediation bit under way. If he is a non-talker ( see above) then you have your work cut out to start