nine year old has temper tantrums, how do I stop this behavior?

[jaeparfait]

My nine year old step son has been throwing temper tantrums since the day I met him 5 1/2 years ago. He is now having trouble in school- with his learning abilities only- and he NEVER acts out at school. His mom and my husband and I have tried just about everything we can think of and nothing has stopped the behavior. If he was just verbally angry it wouldn't be so bad, but he throws, hits, kicks, and destroys things along with the screaming. What do we do?

[WendyS]

This must be very frustrating and stressful for you all. I wonder if either the school or your GP could have him referred to a behavioural psychologist just in case there are some hidden issues which are coming out in this behaviour. Have you watched the Super Nanny programmes on TV? I guess you've already tried putting him in the Naughty Zone and withdrawal of treats whenever he exhibits this behaviour. It may just be that he's testing his will against yours and finding that if you give in for a quiet life, he can get what he wants. But if his behaviour is generally good at school, perhaps he's genuinely frustrated because he's not up to speed with the others, in which case he may need some extra tutoring. Just a thought - is his eyesight OK? Possibly he's having eyesight problems seeing the blackboard and this could be putting him at a disadvantage. which is cause this frustration and impotence. Hope you get it sorted soon.

[Le Chat]

When my 9 yr old started to act up..(at a much lesser degree than this) we took to commando style parenting! Every single toy, gameboy etc went into the loft, so he was left with a bare room. At the first sign of cheekiness etc, he was sent to his boring bedroom for 30mins or more. This went on and on and on until guess what? Yes and now he's perfect...well almost. He also was and is a perfect angel at school!!

[CT]

Did you see Jamie's school dinners? The change in the kids when they cut all junk food out the kids diets. Does he eat lots of sweets, fizzy drinks etc. Try cutting down on these things with all the e-numbers perhaps.

[funnywebsite]

Does he live with you or visit you both? I would tell him if he doesn't behave he cannot come round any longer. When he starts misbehaving you need to send him to his room but if he starts destroying his own room do not replace the items. Can you get him to take an interest in some sort of sport. i.e football, karate something to burn his energy out on.

[loiswacey]

sit him down and talk to him

[twopennorth]

My husband is forty years the senior of your stepson but still has temper rages (shouts, throws things, storms off suddenly etc). In his case it is due to a brain injury sustained in a car crash as a teenager, although he believes he would have had a bad temper anyway. He is also an only child who is very aware of his own needs, i.e something of the self-centred brat remains.

In times of a temper rage I remove myself to another room until he calms down. There is no reasoning with him until that point, and I don't want to inflame the situation. When he is sufficiently calm I point out that he is behaving like an ********. Rarely does he have a genuine grievance. Most of the time he feels embarrassed afterwards, and can even summon up an apology.

Perhaps ignoring your stepson until he calms down could work. He might feel quite silly afterwards, particularly if his rage has not achieved what he wanted. Making sure he is safe, is of course a requisite; in my case I make sure I am safe, but I would behave differently with a child.

Your stepson's behaviour is likely to have a different cause, although it might be worth checking out the physical aspects. Could it be dietary, or an indicator of an underlying disorder? Worth checking out with a health care professional. Stress could also be a factor. His parents have obviously split up, has that been recent, or is there something else bothering him?

It could also be an attention-seeking ruse. My husband's outbursts are often preceded by arguments of a "what about me?" nature.

[stanleyman]

He could be frustrated at school, maybe is dyslexic or is being bullied etc. and takes it out on you when he gets home. He needs to have boundaries beyond which very bad behaviour is not tolerated. This has become a habit.

I have a grandson who behaved like this when he stayed with us. I took his hand and squeezed it until I'd got his attention, relaxing the grip further as he calmed down, then I got him to agree that his behaviour was unexceptable and made him promise to behave. After relaxing the grip but still holding his hand I got him to tell me what the problem was and I was able to do something about it. We get on even better now with no repeat bad behaviour.

This may sound cruel but I'm not aware of any lasting effect, I've rarely had to do it and never twice. This does not solve the underlying problems but calms them down, sets the boundaries and encourages the child to talk about their problems to get something done.