babies and money - sorry, it's a long one!

[helliebobs]

My husband and I have been married for just over a year and I have recently come off the Pill so that we can try for a baby, which we've been discussing for quite a while. However, the problem is, we rent a small flat and wish to move in March when our lease runs out, to somewhere bigger (not just because of a baby) plus my husband is in his 2nd year of uni, doing a degree in teacher training and science. Even though we have both agreed to start trying, my husband would really prefer it if we waited until he had qualified and got a teaching job (we may then also be in a position to buy our own place) but I don't want to wait that long as I don't want to be too old to enjoy my kids (I'm 25 now) and emotionally I feel ready.

Bearing in mind that it's never a brilliant time to have kids financially, can any Abers advise on whether I'll be able to cope financially? I know it's not all about money.

Several female friends/family members I know have had kids in less than perfect situations and seem to manage ok. I have always worried about money and this gives me cause to worry even more!

Thanks in advance!

[JuliaSix]

I guess you have to weigh up all options, and one being the alternative!

[mj2000uk]

"Manage" is the correct word! You would be far, far better to at least try to create the best possible financial situation for your having children, than to do it when you will be stretched financially. Although wonderful, it is very stressful having children...so the least stress you have to start with the better for all!

As for being too old...please... I was 32 with no1 and 39 with no2. (I would suggest however that 39, for me anyway. has drained the life out of me!)

[kick3m0n]

personally I'd wait. If you're emotionally ready now, you'd be more so in a few years time. yes, you'd doubtless "cope", but why not do better than that? I was 32 when I had my first and as I'm not yet pregnant again, and he's now 2, I guess I'll be at least 35 when I have my second. Too old my backside, what a load of nonsense. If you re-read what you wrote here in 10 years time, you'll laugh at how dumb it actually sounds. If your hubby is only in his second year at Uni, and you got pregnant now, he'd have to cope with his finals and a 1 year old! Good grief. Not fair on him, or Jnr. You say your husband would prefer to wait, but you don't want to. That sounds a wee touch selfish helliebobs. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you know he'd prefer to wait, and you will lose absolutely nothing by waiting (while gaiing financial stability and a real home), yet you want a baby now because....you just want one. Hmmmmmmm........that's not the most grown up attitude I've ever heard.

[Drusilla]

Hi hellibobs. I had my first daughter at 26 and my second at 29, but my financial situation was easier than yours appears to be at the moment.
The most important thing about having a child is both parents being agreed the time is right and I think your husbands suggestion about waiting until he is working is a wise one.
If he is training to be a science teacher, he will more than likely be set up for life in teaching, assuming he is any good, of course.
As someone else has said, the last thing he will need when studying for his finals or doing his teaching practice is no sleep at night.
I'd wait, but you must talk it through thoroughly.
Best wishes.

[qapmoc]

I don't like to throw sand into the works here but while it is true that many older parents have no problems at all with their pregnancy and the child later, it cannot be denied that the odds for succesful outcome do decrease with increasing age of the parents, although the age you are talking about would be 27ish? which would be no problem at all. You would have to be approaching 37-38 for the medical profession to start be concerned with your age.

[Solarjunkie]

I once read that the perfect age to have a baby - taking into account things like getting a good financial footing first, seeing a bit of the world, progressing in your career - is 64!!

I am sure personally that mid twenties is a very good time, probably the best. How about just letting nature take its course? Sometimes it can take months or years to conceive when coming off the pill, so who knows when your family will grow.

Good luck.

[Boo2]

You could wait forever for it to be the right moment. If you and your partner feel ready then go for it! I was (and still am!) a real worrier like you and kept putting off having a baby because I was worried we wouldn't cope financially and thought it would be best to wait until we had a place of our own rather then renting. In the end we just decided to go for it as there may never have been a perfect time. It was the best thing we have ever done. Our baby is now 6 months old, we are still renting and manage to get by on just my partners wage. I'm not saying it's always easy but I wish now that we had done it sooner! Plus I also have other friends and relatives who get by on a lot less than we do and they still manage. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Phantaxus]

You can never afford to have kids so forget about waiting until you are financially secure, if you wait till you think you can afford them you will probably be past the age of having them.

Im 34 now and these things can take time, it took me and Mrs Phantaxus two years to have our first (born June 05) and its true it will totally change your life. If I have any regrets its that I waited so long to have our first.

[tigilou]

This doesnt help much but all i can say is you never know whats round the corner.... as long as a child is loved what the hell money can help a lot materially. When i was younger my parents had nothing and there were 3 of us i will always remember my friends getting expensive presents, named clothes etc, but looking back now having a mum and dad that done their best for us beats having money. This doesnt help you in the slightest but i would say go for it you wont look back i havent and shes 2 now good luck

[gary baldy]

Kids dont have to cost a lot of money you know. In the first year you only really have to pay for nappies and food and Child benefit and family credit pretty much cover that. You can borrow clothes and prams and cots off friends and relatives and once you get on your feet financially you can start treating the little one (they wont appreciate it for the first couple of years anyway).
I can assure you the joy a baby will bring more than out weighs any financial worries you may have.
Get on with it girl!

[nfn]

maybe not the answer you're looking for but I became pregnant at 29 (purely by accident, I was on the Pill and we used condoms as he was a new partner). I was NEVER having children; I didn't like them and they certainly didn't like me! Having a child was the most challenging (not just financially) process but also the most rewarding of my life. Now as HLL approaches his 6th birthday not only is his existance the most beautiful wonderous thing in my life but also worth every single sacrifice I have made - sh!t for brains took off after 3 months! If it feels right do it, I did even though I didn't want children at the time! (I hope that made sense)

[gingerflaps]

you say u have recently come off the pill, the pill can take up to 2 yrs to get out of your system, i am in the same situation, we want a baby and i came off the pill in feb, but no luck yet. You just have to watch out for your ovulation days and try to time it right, try not to think about it too much because at the end of the day it you could be 27 before you fall pregnant.

[helliebobs]

thanks for all the advice!

The way hubbie and I have discussed it is that there is a very good chance I may not get pregnant straight away so I may only get pregnant a few months down the line which could mean by the time I have the baby, he could have finished his degree.

And in response to kick3m0n, while I appreciate your opinion, I would like to point out that having children is what myself and my husband want - we have discussed it and yes, he thinks it would be wiser to wait, but ulimately it is what he wants as well. As for my worries about being too old, I understand that 25 isn't "past it" but for me, I would prefer to have my kids before I am 30. My parents had me later in life and I feel there are certain things I missed out on, so personally would like to raise my kids while I am still young enough to enjoy them. How can that be dumb? You make it sound as if I am going to get prenant whether hubbie wants it or not, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I know questions like this will always pose differing opinions, but I just wish some people would take the wider picture into account, considering there isn't room to put down every single factor in a dilemma such as this. People shouldn't be so quick to judge!

[shivvy]

In an ideal world I reckon the best time to have a bambino is when you and your partner are BOTH ready for it. Sometimes this means that one of you might need to save, sometimes it means that one of you might need to grow up a bit(!), sometimes medical conditions may need to be overcome etc etc. However if the best interest of the child is considered as opposed to the parents (which is so often the case) then I reckon that a pretty cool and happy child will result.

Only you and him can answer these kinds of questions honestly.

I reckon that the question of when (or whether) to have kids is far more important than the decision to marry. Another life is involved.

Best wishes in whatever you decide.

Shivvy

[tigerthecat]

WAIT - having children is really really hard, it will put a huge strain on your relationship. Wait till he has a job. Meantime 'borrow' someone elses. Become a respite foster carerer - that's what I did and had friends kids to give their parents a break and for me to enjoy. You are still young, mums are now in their 30's when having their first child.

[Hgrove]

I had my only child at 35 and found it extremely hard. I think though, as a rule of thumb, as long as you under 30 you should cope egregiously with the sleepless nights etc. Things only start going downhill once you are past 35 (at least for me they did). Just to be the devil's advocate: most new mums I met were in their mid to late 30s, and I am aware that some mums in their 20s can feel a bit isolated, with little in common with other new mums who are so much older than themselves.

[OBonio]

My take on 'the right time' is there never will be a right time. There will always be things to spend money on and lifestyles adapt to amount of income (well, most.. some people seem to like debt...).

As soon as we found out we were expecting we cancelled Sky, the PS2 became a DVD player and I stopped going out every night / weekend for beers. The funny thing being, I haven't got time to miss those things anymore anyway!

Children are expensive, there's no two ways about it, but they're not as expensive as I was expecting...

Now how do I convince Mrs OBonio to try for a 2nd....

Whatever you decide, as long as you both love that child with all of your hearts it will have been the right decision.

[helliebobs]

Thanks to everyone who offered advice on this one - I think we've come to the conclusion that we'll see what happens. I have come off the Pill but I know I may not get pregnant straight away, which is fine by me, so we'll just see how it goes.

[Ooo]

It sounds like you have thought through the options and reached your decision together, which is great. All I would say is that if I were you I would use condoms for three months to get the artificial hormones from the pill out of your system. There are all sorts of nasty statistics about how men born to women on the pill are less fertile and how you are more likely to have a miscarriage because the lning in your womb is less suitable for a baby than it would be naturally. Besides, it means when you start trying to conceive it is more likely to happen quickly.

Good luck!