Toddler hitting out

[Trotbot]

Our little one (only one so far) is 16 months old. She is delightful most of the time, and is developing well. However, she occaisionally gets frustrated and hits (usually her Mum, but sometimes me) in the face or chest. Often there is no obvious reason for frustration, but sometimes it is clearly the taking away of a toy in preparation for bathtime (it's not snatched away).

When she has hit one of us, she will offer a cuddle and pat the back of our heads, very cute in principle but she will hit again soon. Sometimes she doesn't do it at all in a day, sometimes it frequent. On average it will be 4-6 times a day.

Is this normal? Any suggested strategies? We currently live in a smallish appartment so isolation is only possible in her cot, and we do not want to associate her sleeping space with punishment. In all honesty, we don't want to 'punish' her but we do want her to learn her actions are wrong and we will do what is appropriate (in our universe)

[Gingerchick]

This type of behaviour (punching, biting, kicking) is often a 'learned' behaviour, especially at this sort of age. What that means is that the child has learned that they get a particular response from you/others when they display a particular behaviour. I don't know how well your daughter is talking at the moment, but this can be a very frustrating time all round for the child.

What you need to do is teach your daugther that this is not an acceptable behaviour by ignoring it as much as you can. The next time it happens don't show any reaction (difficult when you get hit in the face I know), just say 'no' or 'that's naughty' very firmly, but don't shout. Move away from her and ignore her, even if she does try to offer cuddles etc. Don't pretend to cry or be hurt because this is a reaction.

If her actions are the result of taking a toy away then try leading up to it by saying something like 'It's nearly bath time, we'll have to put the toys away in 5 minutes' and then the same again in 2 minutes. When it's time for her bath make a game of putting the toys away, but let her help and give her lots of praise each time she puts a toy in the right place.

The aim is to teach your daughter that she only gets a nice response when she's good and acts in a socially acceptable way. The trick is to be consistent. If she is not allowed to act like this at home, then she should not be allowed to get away with the same behaviour when she is with other children/relatives etc. That would only lead to a very confused and even more frustrated little girl.

Good luck, and remember, you are the parents so you should lay down the rules not your daughter, how ever cute she might be. Children who have rules and bounderies feel safe and know exactly where they are and what's expected of them.

[noxlumos]

Yes definately just simply and firmly say "no" and glare ( children respond amazingly to facial expression at that age) and then ignore her for a few moments. Certainly you're right to not make her bed a punishment, that would be a disaster. We actually have virtually no rules for the children in our house ( apart from use your common sense and do as you are asked) which you might think would result in bedlam, however we believe that giving children their own responsibility from a very young age gives them the best chance to grow up as well rounded adults capable of not just running with the herd and it also reduces the effects of peer pressure, so I can't comment on gingerchicks suggestion that rules and boundaries are the best way because I've never tried it with any of our eight children who have I hope turned out not so bad :)

You seem very sensible and I'm sure you'll get it sorted out :)

[Monstersdad]

Hi Trotbot,

I can vouch for the sense of the two above me here, we've just got through almost the same situation. Their advice is bang on. Your naughty corner if you do need one can be created though by moving a settee or armchair slightly. The only reason we could find for such behaviour is that currently your little diamond has no real means of communication and the lashing out is simply frustration at not being able to express themselves or get a sensible answer to the question or request which in their own beautiful minds makes sense it must seem that we are the thikkos for not understanding them!! Now that ours (20 months) is becoming more and more responsive his frustrations are reducing greatly and he strikes out less and less. Don't worry, if it's like our own, it will end just be patient.

Best wishes, Dave. X

[Trotbot]

Many thanks for the good advice.

[Goodsoulette]

My son did it. We are a non smacking household,we ignored it completely, didnt even give it a no. He stopped.