first steps to divorce

[helliebobs]

Firstly, apologies if this sort of thing has been answered previously. I know it's a very typical situation.

My brother and his wife have just split up. He is staying at my parents and she is in the family home with their twin boys. My brother is not talking about it much, and for the sake of the kids, my parents are trying not to take sides.

Although she is apparently not the sole reason for the split, my brother has become involved with a woman he has met on the Internet and has been to visit her. He is now telling my sister-in-law he doesn't think he should be paying a mortgae on a house he is not living in although he is willing to pay maintenance for the kids. He has since conceded that he will have to pay until the house is sold.

As this whole mess is very likely to end in divorce, I was wondering if anybody could give me advice I could pass on as to where they start on trying to sort this out as there is obviously a lot to think about - the mortgage, maintenance, childcare (she only works 16 hrs a week and will struggle to pay for them to go to nursery), splitting belongings etc.

Any advice welcome as my mum is worrying herself to death and my dad is on anti-depressants with all the stress and I don't know what else I can do or say.

[Reddevil1]

I would recommend they tried a marriage guidance councillor but if its too late for that citizens advice could give some free advice on the legal side. I hope it gets sorted out for the kids sake. Good luck

[lady_p_gold]

Well first of all, I would say that your brother needs to think long and hard about this. Many people have met someone either at work or on the internet or whatever and then found that their marriage is at sea because of it. However .... if he can project himself forward say eighteen months, and be sure that he will be able to cope with a broken family, broken finances, split loyalties and possible long term damage to his relationship with his boys and all that divorce entails, then he should be prepared. I am not trying to pass judgement on him in any way, merely pointing out the facts. His wife will be able to remain in the home, he will have to continue paying the mortgage probably, and if he thinks the house will just be sold so that he will not have to pay the mortgage then he is a little misguided. What will probably happen is that he will end up on someone's floor or in a pokey flat and have the children to take to the zoo at the weekend and the internet person will have probably long gone after not being able to cope with the stress. If he is truly unhappy in his marriage then of course I would not expect anyone to live like that ... but the phrase 'he does not think he should be paying for a house he is not living in' makes me think he has not grasped what his responsibilities are going to be. After all he is the one who has left, and he is quite entitled to return and live in the house if he chooses. It is the children who are the most important ones here, I do so hope they will not get caught in the crossfire, but this sounds like a cauldron of conflict brewing. They must try and keep things amicable, but your sister in law will fight for her twins and once she finds out about the other person she is not likely to be tame and calm. She and he need to get some legal advice ..

[dotjhawkes]

She can (and should) stay in the house with the twins until they leave full time education (I hope they get to college) and he has to pay for the mortgage and their maintenance via the CSA if he gets a difficult) but hopefully she will meet a bloke with a brain a heart and a spine that won't try to blame her or go behind her back, and she might let his family see the twins if they treat her fairly. (I would imagine) And if you are a good brother you could help by giving her dozy husband a kick up the arse and get him to rethink his entire life.

[helliebobs]

dotjhawkes, I'm female so I'm his sister!!

My sister-in-law knows about this other woman but I think my brother was unhappy at home before she came into the picture althouh I'm sure she has contributed in a major way.

It's very hard to get my brother to see sense as he is remaining tight lipped on the whole thing and my parents have tried talking to him about it and he just clams up.

To be honest, the stuff he is coming out with is not him - he isn't thick but I can't help but think this other woman is putting ideas into his head, as it wouldnt occur to him to come out with stuff like "I'm not paying a mortgage on a house I'm not living in".

it's so hard because he's my brother and I can't help but feel like I should be supporting him but at the moment I just want to punch him!!

My parents are at the end of their tether and have basically said he can do what he wants as long as the kids are ok and cared for.

Thanks for all the advice though - it's a horrible situation.

[woofgang]

friends of mine found this site helpful.

http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/

Lady-p-gold has posted loads of sense (I actually wonder if she knows those friends of mine, she has described the situation so clearly) Whatever the rights and wrongs, he must understand what the likely outcomes of a split will be.

He is responsible for supporting the children until they reach 18 (maybe longer if they stay in full time education) He is also likely to have to support his wife until the children are older and that will include providing a residence for them. It really isn't as easy as "sell the house and split up" when there are children involved.

Support your Mum and Dad as much as you can and stay out of the husband wife bit. I'm not saying stay away, but it will be really helpful for all concerned if you can remain neutral and supportive (personal experience)

[helliebobs]

Thanks Woofgang, that looks like a very useful website.

[gsm1973]

1. Your brother should not be with your parents as it really is unfair to put stress of this level on their shoulders. He should go and stay with a friend


2. The mortgage is still legally payable. If they are to divorce then the mortgage company will have to be told so the assets can be frozen whilst it's sorted out


3. I used to chat with people on the internet and it contributed to the breakdown of my own marriage. I would advise your brother to get his head straight and really think about what he is giving up as his actions are affecting a lot of people


4. If they won't go to a marriage guidance counsellor then the next step is a solicitor to at least sort out the details of the separation. As there are kids involved it's going to be a very messy business. I hope the kids are protected from all the hurt they'll be subjected to

[padders]

YOur brother needs to contribute towards housing for the twins but this does not necessarily mean that it has to be in the existing family home if that is going to bankrupt him. He and your sister-in-law need to discuss and sort out all these things, they could try mediation. Obviously, she will need to increase her hours at work to cover expenses. One good trade off which has worked for me in the past is that your brother looks after the kids one day or evening a week or whatever whilst shes working. This doesn't cost him anything but saves some of her childcare costs. My kids enjoyed this arrangement and then saw their dad another day a week for funtime. They need to sit down and discuss things sensibly for the good of the children. This may involve having a neutral person there to keep the peace.

Good luck to them both

[godinvt]

I went through that he should help her pay the mortgage no matter what, its not the kids fault that there breaking up and he should want them in a SAFE place.