Please help... splitting up.

[Twirly00]

My husband and I can no longer live with each other. He treats me so badly I can't believe I've put up with him for 10 years but now my eyes are opened and I can see him for what he is.

I'm not working due to caring for our kids full-time and he has a good job and pays for everything in the house. He says he wants us out the house as he pays for it which makes it his (it's in joint names though). I can see his point as I couldn't afford to pay the house if he was the one to leave. But where am I supposed to go with the kids, how can I survive financially? He says he'd rather give up his job than have to support us financially as when he finally gets rid of us his money can be his for once. That is how unreasonable he is.

I have stayed with him despite being unhappy for a long time, I am merely just dependant on him financially as without him I cannot see a way forward to a bright future with the kids on my own. But he makes me so miserable that I don't even want to go on anymore as I can't see a way. I don't want to leave the area as our eldest is so settled in school and he has special needs and disruption would hit him badly. But I can't see anyway of staying in the area. I have no support from family and friends as my husband is so controlling so I have lost contact with most people.

Please help as I'm a good person but I've just been destroyed by a nasty man.

[rogerr]

I feel so sorry for you. I would go to a solicitor--you do have rights. He may pay for the mortgage etc. but you have brought up his children. He sounds so uncaring and you would be better off without him. If you can't afford the solicitor then go to citzens advice bureau but do something about this awful man.

All the best

[Drusilla]

Read the following and if you have further questions, don't hesitate to ask further questions on here. I would advise you see a solicitor as soon as you can and do not think of moving out of the property until you have taken professional advice.

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/ending_a_relationship.htm

[craftykaz]

Talk to a solicitor! You and your children have rights.

Talk to your doctor - be honest. No-one can give you help unless they know you need it.

I was in your situation 7 years ago. It hasn't been easy but I've never regretted divorcing my abusive partner. You can make your own happy ending.

[noxlumos]

Do not move out of your house. There is not a court in tha land that will make you under the circumstances you describe.You must go and see a solicitor as suggested above, also get in touch with Shelter the homeless charity who have lots of expertise in helping people deal with situations like this and also Gingerbread, the single parent charity likewise.If you split and your partner is working an order will be made by the court for him to pay an amount towards you and your children. They will deduct it straight from his wages if necessary. There is no question of him not having to support you and even if he delibertely loses his job then you will be entitled to benefits.The DSS should pay the interest on your mortgage whilst you consider a way to start earning some money for yourself whilst caring for your children.When I split up from my first wife I was left to care for several young children and it is possible to get back on your feet, but it's not easy so you'll need a lot of resolve.

You sound like a lovely person and you have a great future once you get this awful man from round your neck and the first step to doing so is to realise that you are as strong as him and he can't have his own way this time. Go and see a solicitor and start the ball rolling, there's lots of support there if you look for it.

I really wish you the very best of luck :)

[tigilou]

definatly dont go anywhere until you have seen a solicitor also go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see what benefits and help you are able to get if you have to leave the house. I am pretty sure if you can find a house to rent privatly you should get housing benefit so your rent will be paid for etc but your best bet is to go and find out first. Good luck and i wish you all the very best and all the happiness for the future x

[acorn]

Agree with the other comments on here Twirly. Dont move out. Your names on the mortgage too so despite you not paying towards the house in money terms you have rights. And besides, you are classed as primary caretaker of the children especially if he is trying to get you all out of the house. As such you will have the judges ear should it take that path.

Go and get some advice - CAB, solicitors (find out if they do legal aid), benefit offices. And please dont think your in this on your own. I myself have been through similar but luckily i work and so could take over the house. But its tough and your situation seems a lot tougher.

But you are not alone.Your husband sounds like hes lost the plot at the moment but be strong. Use this site as a sounding board. You deserve a good life. Youve tried for 10 years and now its time for you to put yourself first. Dont think he is better than you just because he pays for everything. I think you are now paying and its not fair. So get that help and keep in touch. Good luck for a rosier future.

[Hgrove]

i agree with the others, don't move out. Under the Matrimonial Causes Act the judge has power to redistribute assets on divorce and it is virtually certain he will be the one who has to move out. If he is so silly as to give up his job and stop paying the mortgage I am sure you would get rehoused. And there are benefits etc.

[Twirly00]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I will have a good think this weekend and hopefully make a move to go and see a solicitor soon. I just can't take anymore, but the housing situation is really difficult and I only hope I have the strength to carry this through.

I would be very interested to hear more about having my mortgage interest paid by the DSS, if anyone knows any more about this.

Thank you once again.

[lady_p_gold]

You have not been destroyed, you are only temporarily destroyed .... it is possible for you to rebuild your life but it will require some difficult times. Firstly as the others said, you will be able to stay in your house and if he makes a decent living he will have to continue to pay the mortgage. If he stops working then he won't have any money for himself either and that seems unlikely. But if the worst comes to the worst you might be able to get help with the mortgage and whatever happens you have your children and the knowledge that you are a good person. If you have lost touch with family and friends that can all be rekindled hopefully, and also ... you have all of us here of all ages and creeds and locations and we are only a mouse click away ! And it is better to break away from this man and hopefully one day find a new life with someone kind.

[noxlumos]

http://www.daventrydc.gov.uk/atoz/housing/mortgage.aspx

The above is a link to some brief info about DSS payments for mortgages.If you do a search there are probably lots of sites.Hope this helps and stay strong, you can do this:)

[gemmabe]

Hi Twirly00.

You do indeed sound like a lovely, intelligent and articulate person. You CAN survive without this monster. You say you have lost contact with most people. Do you think any of them would understand if you explained the situation and were adamant that you were leaving this "man" for good? Is it worth a try?

Certainly you sound very capable and I am sure you could get a decent job which could cover childcare aswell if your children are not at school? I imagine the only thing holding you back is a lack of confidence, which this creep has inflicted.

Legally, you own half a house. No argument. You have been working too, bringing up your children which is a full time job! DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLESS YOU OR YOUR KIDS ARE AT RISK. Having married this "person" you have a lot of legal rights. Maybe he could buy your share of the house, or sell the house and you would get half the �? I am not entirely clear on the ins and outs, but you seriously must visit a solicitor ASAP for proper legal advice.

One thing I found out recently is the existence of "Crisis Loans" which can be provided if "you don�t have enough money to meet your (or your family�s) immediate short term needs because of an event or disaster". http://www.direct.gov.uk/Bfsl1/BenefitsAndFinancialSuppo rt/BenefitsAndFinancialSupportArticles/fs/en?CONTENT_ID= 10018856&chk=kEaFaz />
Believe me, everything is in your favour. In fact, he should be trying to "keep you sweet" to avoid you screwing him over in the courts. Just remember - you own half of everything.

Lastly, you obviously have internet access if you have no one else you can contact. If you ever need someone to talk to, visit http://avongirlz.co.uk contact

[gemmabe]

grrrr lol, that last link was supposed to be

http://avongirlz.co.uk

Contact details are on there.

Gem xxx

[gemmabe]

and the first link about crisis loans was:

http://www.direct.gov.uk/Bfsl1/BenefitsAndFinancialSuppo rt/BenefitsAndFinancialSupportArticles/fs/en?CONTENT_ID= 10018856&chk=kEaFaz

[gemmabe]

...which still won't work so just visit www.direct.gov.uk and search for "crisis loan" x

[kezza1973]

Hi Twirly. 2 years ago I was in exactly your position. With no money and 2 kids it was an incredibly anxious time. Get legal help. He doesn't have to know. I got legal aid through a solicitor. I too was financially dependant on my ex. Once you have started the ball rolling you will feel so much better, don't stew and don't wait. I was petrified, I now privately rent my house, work part time and get help via tax credits and child tax credits - it really helps. You can do it. It will be a short roller coaster ride but you and your kids will feel a freedom you haven't felt for a long time. Stay strong and good luck.

[emaaron]

hi legally your name is on the mortgage so you are entitled to half of the house , if you can't afford to keep it the house could be sold and the money halved between you and your husband , you are also entitled to half of the furniture etc . If you are unable to work you will be entitled to housing benefit towards the rent of any privately rented or housing association property , stick to your guns and make sure you get everything you are entitled too