How do I get my 16-year-old son to move out?

[Surfingjcs]

For several years he's been making my life a living hell (and my wife's) we've had enough and now want him to move out to stand on his own two feet. He has no respect for us or our home so we feel the only option is to give ourselves some distance! Unfortunately we are still legally responsibly for him so we are just not sure what to do or where to go for advice.

[Blyss]

my hat goes off to you noxlumos, you and your wife are treuly good people .

[noxlumos]

Thank you very much Blyss, sorry if I came off a bit strong earlier I certainly meant no real offence to you. I do know how trying kids can be, and I have had steam coming out of my ears on occasion with them but I had a bad start myself and I think that colours the way I respond sometimes when people advocate more hard line responses to kids than I'm personally comfortable with.Hope I didn't offend you.

[gessoo]

Noxlumus. I am 100% behind you on this issue. My perception of Foster Parents has now been severely clouded. I will say no more as I don't want to enter any argument, but I am amazed at what I have read here. Parenting is about accepting the good with the bad, not seeking to move children out of the house. And surely our armed forces should be made up of people who want to be in the forces - not people that have fallen by the wayside! I totally give up!!

[ianess]

gessoo...........you can't duck out of a statement just like that. What on earth have you read that's clouded your judgement and amazed you about Foster Carers? No-one here is setting themselves up as experts.....we all know it isn't easy and parenting can often be traumatic and difficult but all we can do is try to be a decent parent. Hopefully some of that will rub off onto the child and they'll develop into an acceptable member of society. Whether or not the child involved is your own flesh and blood is an irrelevance.

What more can be done?

[Thefixor]

i have two sons now at university and as such we have supported,(me and my husband that is,i know this a dying breed) them every step of the way. our children have not alays been angels but they have always known were they stand in the family unit and disciplined accordingly. you only have to go into a restaurant or shop these days to see unruly kids dragged around by parents who do not correct them or even give a damn and carry on shopping or eating their meal while their kids run wild

they both agree that they appreciated the way they were brought up and given boundaries to which they must keep. they have had lots of activities over the years and we have always participated in them, from beavers ,swimming, karati , cubs and when they became teenagers they both joined the ATC.

we do not believe in nurseries for kids so their mothers can persue their own careers instead of giving love and support to them and sometimes wonder the thinking behind them even having kids if they do not want to look after them

all kids want is a loving stable relationship with unselfish parents who should realise that bringing up these children is a gift and not a right.

id you are thinking that our children are in the minority then i don,t think so as i have six sisters with eighteen children between us and every one is stable and happy and fullfilling a happy and worthwhile lifestyle.And also we are all still the men we started our married lives with which all adds up to stability

maybe its a compliment to my mom and dad of the way we were brought up

[sam82]

There is a organisation called connexions which helps 16-19 year olds with a variety of things,

i read in a thread here 8 months ago that they helped house a 16 year old girl and helped heal a rift between her and her mum.

Its worth a try, even if they wont speak to you, they may be able to help your son.

www.connexions.gov.uk

[gessoo]

Basically this Ianess

sign him up for the army, thats what i did with mine .
then again the army chucked him out after 7 months and Im stuck with him gain.

Sorry, but that makes me see red. I am not getting into an argument on my view on this. As I said before the Army should not be a correctional institution for youngsters. Also I believe that it is totally horrific to suggest that a sixteen year old child be put into that situation.

A Foster Carer should 'care'. I don't find this caring at all.

[gessoo]

I am in total agreement with Thefixor. Well done. The trouble is nowadays that parents do not realise what a responsibility children are and that things can go wrong and there will be many problems. To consider that a sixteen year old should be moved out and stand on their own two feet because they are causing problems to their parents is, in my view, totally irresponsible. These parents need help to cope, I would agree.

[kepla]

I really can't believe that someone would go to the trouble of having a child and then treat them like you want to. It seems like you feel that you've made a complete mess of bringing up your son and now want to 'opt out' a couple opf years before he is even 18. For the past 16 years of his life, the major influence on your son has been YOU, so howver he behaves is a reflection on you. Don't try to blame others. It is your decision to have a child and your responsibility to bring the child up correctly. It might be a little more difficult in this modern day and age, but is still a parents duty to bring their child up properly. If you real feel that you and your son must part so soon, then I suggest that it is you who should move out and leave the house to your son as some sort of compensation for not doing right by him so far.

[Ric.ror]

Oh just join the club and be grateful you only have the one - I have two - they have been making my life a misery since before they were 16 - and they are 20 & 19 now. If he did move out you'd spend 24 hours a day worried sick about him. Its called being a parent

[abilicious]

No one person ever has all the answers, which is why this site is such a fantastic resource. Let's not make it about personal grievances ... :)

[kat2206]

Hi I am very new to this site but this topic had me wanting to cry one minute and sooooo angry the next reading some of the messages on here. I have a 16 yr old, he has Aspergers Syndrome and Dyspraxia, he has lied about me saying that I had burnt him with an iron when really he had an allergic reaction to a gnat bite, which I can fortunately say that it all did get cleared, the point i'm trying to make is that no matter what they do to you, you still have got to be there for them no matter what, at the end of the day you are the only thing that 16yr old has got, please dont start his adult life in a negative way, I have 3 sons, the other younger 2 are teenagers now as well, I am 37, single mother and I do work fulltime, I dont think this is a bad thing at im not one of the many single parents in this country living off tax payers!!!!!!

[craftykaz]

I'm horrified by certain advice and statements made here - perhaps we should throw annoying elderly relatives onto the streets too.

[mirrorwork]

What makes a reponsible parent?

I have provided my son with good food,clean home,lots of love. have put him 1st at every turn.I dont go out, drink,smoke,do drugs,have wild parties.I work hard to support him.I have in return a 17 year old who has absoutely no respect for me.He truanted from school constantly,My employer let me go to work later to make sure he got there every morning, he would just walk out as soon as he could. It was me that got taken to court and fined. He steals from me, not just the odd �5, he stole my bank card and wiped me out leaving me to borrow the mortgage money.my spare car keys to go joyriding with a friend in my car leaving me petrified that if I called the police he would be chased and could end up dead.He has been arrested for being drunk, burglary, assault and the latest was underage sex. He smokes pot and refuses to stop.I leave for work and worry about what I will come home to.Tonight I came home to cigarette burns in my carpets and bedding, dirty cups/glasses, ashtrays, and the place stank of pot. I have come home before to find spilt booze on the floors, up the walls and vomit in the kitchen sink etc.

I have tried to get him to counselling but he doesnt show up, have had the police community officers speak with him etc and have moved home twice in the last 3 years to try and give him a fresh start.Its not all irresponsible parenting that makes these children the way they are. I also have asked the question how can I get him to leave. Yes I will worry that he is OK but he is at risk of losing me anyway at the moment I am close to having a breakdown, then everything I have worked for will be lost anyway.

A Living Hell it certainly is

[kepla]

Sorry if this sounds cruel. Mirrorwork, but it appears that rather than give your son everything he needs you have given him everything he wants. The one thing he really needs is discipline but that is the one thing you miss from your list of what you have given him. It sound as if he has no sense of respect for other people whatsoever. You appear, by example, to have shown him that the rest of the world exists in order to service his desires. You have brought him up to expect you to give up everything for him and yet be allowed to behave as badly as he feels like. You seem to have dug a hole for yourself and insist on continue digging ! Unfortunately it sounds like it has now reached the point where you will be unable to correct the problem, so it will be up to the rest of society to try to correct your mistake.

[Adampy]

Surfingjcs: Again like said before we don't know what the circumstances are. I am 26 years old. I was forced to leave at 15. Not due to my unruly behaviour but rather an alcholic mother. I lived with a friend and his parents until I was 17. I then got a job in a hotel which provided live-in accommodation and meals. Nothing grand, only a porter. However, I was earning my own money, I had a roof over my head and was fed. This to me was great. Independence!
I took on NVQ courses which I completed. Over the years, I worked hard and have achieved various promotions. I now rent my own house, not council, private.

I guess my point to this is, There are many amazingly good parents out there and I am sure you fall into this category, however, kids are allowed to get away with far too much. This is not the willing fault of the parents, Rather parents are too limited with how they can discipline their kids, leaving them to do as they wish.

Alhough some might think my advice would be worth nothing, since I am fairly young, I would say, if you both feel he would be able to cope if he was out, then do it. but be sure to explain why you are doing it but that he can comeback if things become too hard.

Having that in his head, he would probably try that bit harder to succeed having the security of an available home behind him. Also knowing he is not "shut-out" but rather you are giving him the opportunity to do what he wants therefore gaining the independence he wants.

I wish you all the best.

[mirrorwork]

kepla, I had a very disciplined upbringing and tried and am still trying to do the same with him.

I would like to know what you term as discipline and what you think should be done when they dont obey your rules.

His rules are the same set I was brought up with and although I may of tried it on occasionally with my parents I knew where to draw the line and have the greatest respect for my parents. I may also add that they have also had a great deal of influence in his upbringing and are as much at a loss as I am to why he is behaving this way

[hestes]

I too have a 16 year old. She is not living with myself or her father. This is not by our choice! She left home one day and has refused to come back. We have reported her as a runaway but have received no support from our local authorities. Our daughter has always followed the rules, done very well in school and had respect for everyone until she turned 14. Since then she has skipped school, lied about where she's going to be, and believe me that's tough to get away with as we as parents always talk with the parents for which she will be staying with. She has been caught after cerfiew, drinking, she stole my car, etc etc. No amount of counseling, grounding has worked for her. Our daughter is a very independant young woman. Very resourcesful and smart.