Postnatel Depression?

[c.shallow]

Is it possible to get postnatel depression after two years? My son has just turned two, And I suddenly feel really depressed. He never listens to me and is so naughty, yet when he's with other people he's really good.I work quite alot and feel as though I should be doing more 'Motherly' things with him. I Just feel hopeless and like a terrible mother.

[andy-hughes]

This is part of parenthood! No parent ever gets through without feelings of utter inadequacy, guilt and hopelessness, it goes with the job.

What your son is doing is what all children do. He is looking for the boundaries of his behaviour, and pushing them to see if they break - a perfeclty normal part of the discovery of 'self' that children of this age experiencce.

What you need to do is set the boundaries so you both know where they are.

Let's say he throws things. Tell him calmly and firmly that throwing is naighty, and makes mummy said, and if he does it, he will have to (insert sanction here - loss of TV for an hour, time in room, loss of toys, etc.)

When he does it again - and he will - you carry out the sanction. Each and every time without fail, you warn what the sanction will be, and ytou carry out the sanction to the letter, no exceptions.

After a short time, you will noptice that when you say "If you do that, this will happen ..." he will stop his misbehaviour, because he will have learned that your threat is real, and the threat will be enough.

Back it up with lavish praise when he does as he is told, and you have the framework for discimpline that your son understands, and to which he will respond.

It's tough at first, but you need to get this in place bfore he bcomes unmanageable, so tell him he is not nehaving in a way you like, and what will happen if he carries on.

The discipline you put in place will preprare your son for a happy time at home, and at nursery and school, where they will apply the same rules, and he will understand from Day One.

It's not easy, but it's worth it. let us know how you get on.

[tigilou]

Hi there YES it is definatly possible my daughter is 2 and i have been put on medication for this and i thought the same as you workin being a good housewife etc and trying to be a good mother is extremly hard work and does take its toll on you. Please go and see you dr as they will be able to help you i felt on top of the world within a matter of weeks and still do now whereas before i couldn't even get out of bed hardly, i had no patience and felt horrible. Also you will find that your son is feeling as down as you and he can sense there is something wrong with you and a happy mum equals a happy child. I hope ive helped you and really urge you to seek help you will feel so much better and don't punnish yourself for not doing motherly things its hard to feeling like this i know. Wish you all the best take care.

[c.shallow]

Thanks Tigilou you have just described how I feel to a 'T'. I'm gald I'm not the only one who feels like this, I will talk to my Dr and thanks again you have made me feel loads better! xx

[tigilou]

No worries glad i was help to you as i know just how you feel but honestly you will feel better but don't let it go on as i did until i felt like i was going to go mad. Also talking about motherly things to do i found this hard as i am 22 and didn't know how to play with my daughter sounds mad i know but i got the balls up to take her to a mother and toddler once a week and we both really love it it has done us both wonders we have time to play together as i work as well so feel guilty cause something always needs doing. I also had a lady come round from the charityNCH who gave me play ideas to do with her. Heres a good one get some digestive biscuits make some icing up some hundreds and thousands on a plate and decorate the biscuits my daughter loves it and its special time. Remember your boy loves you for you so please don't feel like a terrible mother your not.

[c.shallow]

Tigilou - I'm the same age as you and sometimes I can't help but wonder that if I was older maybe I'd be a better Mother,I work hard at Uni & working part-time and find it hard to go to baby groups and things like that, but will definatley give it a go! (Thanks again xx)

[stressed out]

God this sounds like a mirror of my situation, only my son does'nt behave with anyone! I have begged the doctors for help and he is seeing a psycologist whom i find is not much help, i have been refused any medication to 'calm him down' and i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have been diagnosed Clinical Depressive through this and i feel too that i want to be more 'motherly' and loving but find it sooo hard when he's constantly being naughty, smacking and spitting and being disobedient, i feel cruel to describe him in this way as i know that he can be a very loving, caring boy. I was told he cannot have anything until he's 6! I think there is something he can have from 2 yrs as 'tigilou' mentioned. But neither do i want to pump him full of drugs. I have had great difficulty in getting the doctors etc to diagnose that he is hyperactive, i have cut down his sugar intake with regards to sweets etc hoping this might help but it's so difficult when he sees all the other children eating what they like and i feel saddened that i have to disallow these things. I hope someone can give me sensible parent advice not just 'structures, routines etc' as these do not work.

Thanks x

[tigilou]

Stressedout ihave posted a message for you marked for you just in case you don't see it. Sorry to highjack your post c.shallow

[Hgrove]

The following may be of interest to you. Recently the Observer (Sunday paper) published a woman's account of postnatal depression. If you wish to read it, go to www.observer.co.uk and enter postnatal depression in the search box. There is a follow up in today's Observer (in the magazine). For help and info on PND go to www.pnisha.org.uk or call the Mind Info Line on 0845 766 0163 Monday to Fiday 9.15 am to 5.15 pm.

[Sparkles3]

c.shallow, try and think about your son and what you have taught him already. He is no doubt a fabulous little boy and if he is behaving well with other people then you have clearly instilled the right behaviours into him. How can you possibly be a hopeless and terrible mother having done that?

I have a 3 year old and a 18 month old and I've had my ups and downs with them (my 3 yr old son in particular). For me personally I realised 2 things - firstly my son wanted my attention and i was busy trying to do jobs, look after my little daughter etc etc. He got my attention by being naughty - and didn't need to be naughty with others (such as grandparents) because they just wanted to spend time with him. You say about doing 'motherly' things - I think you are right, but it can be simple things like encouraging him to help you tidy up or do the shopping and reading books together - doesn't need to be the full-blown painting, cooking, sticking etc!

Second, I realised that I expected too much of him. Because he is a bright boy, I sometimes forget that he is only 3 and isn't (always!) being naughty on purpose - for example I used to get cross when he picked up his table and his cup of juice flew off onto the floor - he didn't really understand the cause and effect. I now insist that he drinks his juice then takes it out to the kitchen side as soon as he's had enough so that it doesn't get spilled. Also, I now try to notice when his energy levels are high and we'll do some dancing or action songs to try and focus that energy - rather than him running round breaking things!

[Sparkles3]

{continued!!}

I also agree with andy-hughes, in that you need to be firm and establish the boundaries. You need to establish consequences that are followed through for bad behaviour - and indeed those that are followed through for good behaviour too. Bedtime stories play a big part in our household - an extra one for something particularly good and a loss of stories that night if behaviour has been particularly bad - but on the whole in the latter case, the threat of it is enough to curb the behaviour.

Whilst the doctor may well be able to assist, I found that I felt much better once I could focus on where the issues were for me and therefore improve his behaviour (through improving mine!), which in turn improved the way I felt about myself as a mother and hence lifted the cloud. And don't forget - big hugs are often appreciated by both children and parents!

I'll shut up now! Good luck and stay positive : )

[elliec]

You sound like I felt four or five years ago ! I think the doctors would call it post natal depression, but I think the real truth is that some toddlers can be extremely high maintenance and send parents to distraction (There's nothing the matter with them they all grow up to be brilliant people, its just they make their parents work harder - parents without HM children have no idea what its about).

My daughter was guaranteed to find the most dangerous activity in any situation. She would run off in the street hide and watch me go out of my mind, climb 6 foot walls and hang over the top, find escape routes from the most secure gardens, injure herself and need to be taken to casualty regularly.....I could go on, needless to say I was a nervous reck and lived in a tunnel vision world where I had to keep my eyes on her at all times. It was extremely draining. I wish now I'd asked my doctor for help from depression then.

After my second child was born - by the way he's completely different and never runs off (very low maintenance) I put on a lot of weight in pregnacy. Eventually managed to shift it after a couple of years, but then put it all on again. That ,along with bringing up the children made me go to the doctor and discuss depression. I had councelling,but the best thing in my life is citalopram antidepressant - I can cope with anything and life doesn't get me down. I have the patience of a saint and don't feel so bad about my enormous belly.

The medication won't be for ever, but I really recommend you talk to a doctor and try some short term medication to get you through this most difficult time - it does get better.