why cant my husband be happy with only one child ?

[jadeamy]

i have daughter who is five years of age , my husband wants another 1- 2 , myself i am just happy with the 1 , i have people asking me on a daily basis " so when are you having more children " and when i reply only the one for me thanks , i have people telling me i'm selfish , is it a selfish act to have only the one child ? after my daughter was born i had a real tough time for 2 years with postnatal depression and major anxiety , i couldnt function like a human being it was a struggle to get out of bed and get anything done , i had literally withdrawn myself from the outside world , i was constantly crying over the smallest things , and my fears and phobias multiplied big time , i found myself washing my hands until they were bleeding as i had a fear of germs around my new born and even when she was 2 i was still doing the same thing , i am that frightened of having another baby for the fear of my anxiety and depression coming on again , my husband lived through all of this as well , so i thought if anyone should know my concerns it would be him , but it doesnt appear that way , i'm all alone in my thoughts of having the one child , i am blessed i have a child and thank god ever day for her , i know she would love a brother or sister to play with , but i cant bring myself to have any more , am i selfish ?

[B00]

No of course you're not selfish!

Your husband on the other hand does appear to be, he's known how ill you've been since the birth of your daughter and he wants to put you through it again?? I'd like to see him being so ready and willing for another if it was him that went through your ordeal!

Sit him down and fully explain your fears, make him see that right now isn't the right time for you.

You've also got to look at it that if you have the same depression after the birth of another child, how on earth will you be able to give the love and attention to your ever demanding 5 yr old, never mind a new baby?

If you're young enough to wait a while- do just that, do it when you're both ready, not just him.

God men- they don't half deserve a good slapping sometimes!!!!

[jammiedodger]

hi jade, i am an only child, im 20 and still living with my parents. i have never considered my parents selfish or begrudged them for not giving me any brothers or sisters. im not saying that children with brothers and sisters get less attention but it has always been nice knowing that i get my parents full attention and always have done as they only have me. hope this helps

[Bizziebod]

I don't think your being selfish at all! My daughter is nearly 17 now and is an only child! On more than one occasion she has said she is glad she is, especially when she sees her friends fighting with their siblings! Let people say what they want you are the only person who knows how you feel and it is your life, so don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do! Good luck

[babybop6379]

I have had the same problem myself my littlun is 7 and she is the only , only child in her class. Im constantly being asked when im gonna have any more but people dont realise that some women have problems having more children it drives me mad i also had a very long labour (5 days ) and the fear is still there. i have also had 2 miscarriages but others dont seem to realise that either they just assume that all is well.

and lets face it we have more freedom with 1 child and a better relationship forms with them because there is no competition for you between siblings.

[mimififi]

If YOU wanted a second child then there are ways to work through your fears. try to never be a slave to fear or depression, you need to be free.

If you were to have another child, you could perhaps have counselling toward the end of the pregnancy and onwards after the birth for aslong as you needed it. You could get in touch with numerous self help groups and would know what to expect and find ways to deal with it. You could even opt to not breastfeed and take medication instead if you had to. And of course there are no guarentees that you would have PND again. My sister has 3 children and has only ever suffered once.

However, if you simply do not want a second child, then of course that is ok too. it is noone elses business how many children you have. Better to have one wanted than 2 unwanted ones. It is something that both you and hubby have to agree on. you can not have a baby for his sake as you are the one doing the caring.

However, if it is something that you want to do, you will be able to. We only get one crack at this life and we just can't waste our time being a slave to fear and anxiety. Maybe you could still benefit from counselling.

I hope this helps and it is not intended to be condescended. It is spoken as a person who has lived through depression and been on the recieving end of a major depression and OCD situation. We are still here.

All the best to you.

[babybop6379]

and no you are definately not selfish think about it next time you see a red faced mother trying to round her herd up how lucky you are. i do.

[babybop6379]

oh i forgot to add im an only child myself and i didnt ever feel alone.

[raysparx]

Hi jade,No you aren't being sefish,you had a really tough time,but have you really spoken to him seriously or do you just skirt around the subject,?

Of course you could always consider adoption or fostering, would they both be out of the question?

[ladymariner]

I wish people would just think before they open their mouths. I have one son who is now 10 and it is only recently that people have stopped asking me when I'm having another one. It is not only incredibly rude but also frustrating to have to feel we have to justify our decision to others. My husband did want another child but he respected the fact I only ever wanted the one. My boy is just wonderful, forget the scare-mongerers who say only children are spoilt/lonely/etc, it's just not true. In short, tell others to mind their own businesses and enjoy your daughter!! Good luck!

[raysparx]

Well said the lady, can't argue with that as long as jade and her hubby are happy it has bog all to do with anybody else,!!!

[mimififi]

the other's are right of course. People are so nosy and rude. I have the opposite. I have five children and people, complete strangers in tesco etc included regularly ask me: Are they all yours? What on earth did you want so many for? Are you having any more, or are you gonna keep the light on? Has your husband been done?

Honestly, why other people think it is ok to ask you about your family planning I can't honestly say. I would only say that if you only want 1 then that is fine, unselfish and perfectly normal. If on the other hand, you do want more and you are just too afraid then maybe it is something you could work through, (see previous post)

Either way jade, you have to do what is best for your family. We all make choices and they are just that: OUR choice and no one elses.

Take it easy.
XX

[twinny_15]

You are the best one to judge but each birth is so different you could well have no problems.. my feelings are that I am a twin with 5 brothers my husband is from a family of 11 ... we have four and I could not imagine having just one ..but my eldest daughter has 2 the next one 1 and the others say they do not want kids .. it is your decision with consideration for hubby but think carefully .. ignore other people it's want you feel is best for you.

[BT76]

I think that the "selfish" people are the ones who pass commment on YOUR choice (not theirs!) on how many children you want to have!!!! There are people out there who have 6+ kids who couldnt care less about any of them!! are they selfish or does it not count 'cos they've had more than 1??? As for all this nonsense about an only child being lonely, Ive got 3 kids and I sometimes feel that the my middle daughter feels more "lonley" than the other 2 (middle child syndrome!!) So basically, its YOUR choice how many children you want to have, so dont take a blind bit of notice to what anyone says, if you dont want any more, dont have them. Take care, BT

[peachy3]

I dont think your selfish at all we all must do what we feel is right & true 2 ourselves so if 1 child is all u want then so be it & ur husband shud respect ur decision! although you shud seriously think about the fact of gettin older & regreting u neva had anymore! if u can c urself regreting it then start 2 think bout the benefits a child brings! only u will know wether u will or not! think positive bout the situation not negative or u cud trigger ur own anxiety without even havin the sex 2 get pregnant ! anxiety is horrible but easy 2 ova *** with trustworthy support!

[peachy3]

anxiety is a horrible thing 2 get ova that shud b sorry

[Bohne]

No! Not at all!

I am not planning on having more than one child either, and that even though I have not had bad time, yet, and my baby will not be born till July.

What problem of anybody else should that be?
I would think that you should sort things out with your husband, though, before it becomes a major problem.