Problematic Teenager

[Debfrank]

I have a 15 year old who has become withdrawn, refuses to go to school, washes infrequently, is bad tempered, rude and, more importantly, obviously a very unhappy child. Was previously bullied, but is in a better, smaller school more suitable for her. She received councilling from CAMHS who, on deciding that she was not depressed, closed her case file. This child is deteriorating daily. Does anyone have any advice regarding prescription medication? I don't feel as if I have many other avenues open to me.

[WiccanKitten]

I hope that someone can answer your question, unfortunately i have no idea on effective medication. I just wanted to say that for what its worth you have my deepest sympathies, it must be a hard position to be in.
x

[kevb0444]

Hi...The best thing to do, before you put her on medercation is to ask her if she will tell you whats the problem. Don't force her to sit down and talk about things. Just start by having a general friendly talk with her and slowly drop in some questions as you go. If you sence she is getting upset or frustrated with the talk then back off abit, change the subject or just leave it for awile and think about what she's said so far. The important thing is to keep calm and let her see it's ok for her to talk to you IF she wants to. Show her you care and love her. It may sound stupid but it can help. It maybe she is unhappy at her new school. She could still be being bullied or it could be other things upsetting her. Does she have many friends or a boy friend?

[Debfrank]

Thank you for your advice. I am assured by her that school is not the problem - she says it is everything. I have said that I want to help her as best I can, but she needs to tell me what is going on inside her head. She won't, she tells me to 'use my eyes' - she seems frustrated that I can't see exactly what the problem is. I am aware of the obvious things - shyness, lack of friends, over weight, but cannot seem to get beyond these. She knows I love her, but that doesn't seem to help. I know medication is severe, but I just want to see her smile!

[kevb0444]

Oh..if medication is the only way forward then beware of drugs such as Paxil, Zoloft and Effexor as they have been proven to cause problems with children and teenagers, from increased hostile behavior to increased risk of self harm or even suicide. I don't wish to worry you but these dangers are real and documented. Prozac is the only SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) approved for use in depressed children in the UK.

[miss_me]

15 and you said a little overweight?? and if she saying 'use your eyes' then i should imagine its her appearance that is getting her down. I know when i was 15 i was never happy cuz i was always a bit bigger than my friends who all seemed to be abouta size zero and dressed imaculatley. (Sorry cant seem to spell today!!) But because of my size (and i wasnt huge) i felt i couldnt wear the same clothes as my friends etc..

She may be feeling like this esp as she's just started a new school. Is there anything you could do together and subtley to help her lose some weight? My dad used to take me to the park and we'd end up running around the field with a football, and he bought me a really cheap netball stand for the garden for me, bought badminton rackets, took the dog for a walk, horse riding lessons. All of which was helping me lose weight without me really realising it at the time. Just little things, help her with a little makeup, or do her hair for hair, buy her some skin products, do her nails etc. doing little things like that together could make her open up to you more as well.

If she has a bit of a temper as well - what about self defence type classes? its exercise, it will release some anger, give her some confidence (That prob got knocked through bullying) and she would make new friends. Good luck xxx

[miss_me]

oh and try EVERYTHING before medication... i was on all sorts since about the age of 14 and didnt help- i swear i felt worse. Exercise, good diet and a chat now and again work better i think. Herbal remedies may help though.

[kevb0444]

Hi...i hope your ok. She may be suffering from low self esteem. She's asked you to "use your eyes" which could mean it a visual thing she is upset about. You say she may be over weight, this could be a part of the problem. Was she over weight before she was bullied or is this a side effect of what happend.

[kevb0444]

Try some natural Phytomedicines such as St. John's wort, kava kava and Ginkgo biloba as they have compounds that can aid in treating depression. Phytomedicines can not only serve as weak MAO (monoamine oxidase) inhibitors but can also help alleviate specific symptoms of depression.

[Debfrank]

She started to gain weight at the onset of secondary school, which is also when the bullying started. Her father and I separated around the same time, which didn't help matters. I tried to compensate and am aware that I spoiled her. I didn't discipline when I should have and I didn't get her to help around the home - choices that I now regret. She is painfully shy with other people, but is able to put me in my place with ease. I would even go so far as to say that she uses emotional blackmail - even bullying. I recently discovered patterned scratch marks across her arm. I am sure she wanted me to see them, but so far I have not commented. Although she is dificult, she can be very loving, but those moments are getting less and less.

[kevb0444]

Oh..ok. So alot happend all at once. Does she have much contact with her father? I wouldn't beat yourself up for spoiling her abit. It can be quite common for people who are having problems to take it out on those closest to them, even if they seem shy around other people. Has there been a new man in your life? The marks on her arm are abit of a worry. Self harm is normaly a cry for help but some times it's used as a release of anger and frustration. Be carefull as self harm can become addicive.

[miss_me]

its weird this is almost identical to me when i was younger. My parents divorced, i was bullied and i gained weight due to this and self harmed. at first it was just for attention i guess, just wanted someone to realise i was hurting. But it then developed in to something i needed to do to cope with bad things that happened. You cant really do anything except tell her you and her father love her as much as you always did etc.. Take her to the doctors or get her to talk to someone cuz you musnt let self harm develop into a pattern as it so easily does.

And never blame yourself... It is no reflection on you as a parent. She probably has no idea how much her unhappiness is effecting you, i know i didnt realise how hard my parents found it or how much they blames themselves.

[WiccanKitten]

Just a quick note on Kev's suggestion of prozak -
My uncle was prescribed prozak for depression, and is now completely addicted. I have watched his deteriation from a humourous fun loving family man, to a paranoid wreck over the last 2 years.
It is only since he has been on prozak, these changes in him have been apparent. His doctor recognised this and advised that he try to wean himself off of them. He has attempted to do this 3 times, 2 of which resulted in suicide attempts after just a few days, and the other time he only managed to stop taking the medication for a day before he gave up, and resigned himself to the treatment once again.

Of course, the doctors will be able to tell you more about this, and I'm no doctor....but in my experience, prozak, and several other anti-depressants can, in some cases, be a lot more trouble then relief.

[kevb0444]

Hi WiccanKitten. I only said Prozak was the only antidepresent that the UK medical board state is safe for Kids. I personaly don't think any are safe but i was answering Debfrank's question. IF she had to resort to medication then she needs to be aware of the REALLY bad drugs that are about and which drugs she would most likely be given. Medication is the last resort. miss_me has some very good ideas, like the self defence classes and spending some time to re-establish any broken "mother/daughter" bonds.

[WiccanKitten]

Heya Kev,
Yeh, i agree.....medication should be an absolute last resort, and also think miss_me has had some good ideas. What do u think Debfrank? xx

[Leachy10]

I have recently had problems with my daughter. Does your daughter use MSN messenger or other chat rooms? if so i may be able to hep

[spk]

Hi Debfrank- your daughter sounds very similar to me as a teenager. It might not be the same thing - but I suffered from depression on and off through my life but it started when I was around 14. I had really similar symptoms to her and its an awful feeling. I felt like nobody understood me and how bad I felt. My mum took me to the doctors, I went in on my own and broke down. The doctor prescribed antidepressants which I took and felt lots lots better. My advice is tell her she needs to go to the doctor- shes not crazy- she just needs a bit of help sorting things out. It worked for me and my depression is gone now and Im happy. Its so difficult to cope with growing up. I really hope she feels better soon x

[gill3891]

Hi Debfrank

I wanted to firstly say that my heart goes out to you with this problem, and I don't think I can really help with the medication problem, however, my advice to you is this... Be as loving with your daughter as you can (without going overboard), spend as much time with her as you can, just doing simple stuff, like going for a drive to the country, or shopping, even better, do some exercise together (self-defence seems like a real good idea).

I can only speak from experience and how things were with my mum. It sounds like your daughter has been through a bad patch in her life, and I do feel sorry for her, as I went through a similar kind of bad patch. I tried to be the same way with my mum as she seems to be with you and my mum shut me down right there and then. I don't mean you should be too strict on her, but if you could find a happy medium were she knows that your the parent and although you love her and want to help her, you wish to be respected and loved back. I think kevb0444 summed it up, try talking to her, in a normal conversation and bring up problems in her life. All I wana say really is perservere with it, don't give up and opt for medication until you feel there is no other choice, your daughter seems to want the attention more than any medication. Hope you feel better about things, let us know how you get on! Gill3891

[dancealot13]

In addition to what everyone else said. There are so many incredible self-help books filled with techniques to calm and control your thoughts. They have helped me a lot in the past. Get her a journal and tell her to write anything and everything thats on her mind. Don't use language that makes her problem sound crazy like " I'll TRY to help you". That makes it sound like you may not be able to make things better for her. Say "I WILL help you" "You WILL get through this". Make her realize this is a stage that millions of people go through. She needs to hear other peoples stories and experiences. You don't want her to feel hopeless, and you don't want her to feel alone or weird.

And please don't act like you don't see the cuts on her arm! That is a cry out for help. Ask her why she feels the need to do that to herself. Get it all out in the open, it will only help her. If you hide from this problem then she won't have anyone. Don't hide, because she obviously is not hiding.

Try to spend more time with her. Is there anyone in her life that she looks up too? An older relative or friend of the family? If you yourself have never experienced depression during your teen years, then it is going to be incredibly difficult or impossible for you to understand what she is going through. She needs attention now. Please be weary when talking about medication in front of her. That only plays tricks on a persons mind- " I need medicine so I must be crazy". This entire period in her life needs to be looked at as something that will not be with her forever. She will not feel this way forever. Tell her that over and over. Also, just because she received counsling from CAMHS and they said she wasn't depressed means nothing!! Obviously she is depressed. So take her to another counslor. Dont give up on her like CAMHS did.

[dancecaller]

I would beware of prozak. My (adult) daughter was on it for a year and sat around doing nothing, gained about 4 stone, and when she tried to cut it down and come off felt sick most of the time. (She is now off it, active again and losing the weight)

They say excersise is good for mild depression, can you find something active you enjoy doing together? It might give you both a break from the problems. Though you would still be talking, or listening as well, of course.