What's expected?

[Whickerman]

I have a 14 year old daughter, and she's quite quiet. She lives in a quite rural area, so doesn't get to mix with her mates much. I should also point out that I'm in my mid 30s, and quite open minded. Here's the thing. In the media lately it's been described as the usual thing for kids to perform oral sex on a first date! I'm shuddering at the thought of it. I'm worried sick, and don't know what to do. It's probably sensationalist stuff, but I'm talking about serious news shows, not tabloid progs. How do other parents deal with this type of thing? i don't want to stop her going out, but...

[andy-hughes]

There is the mdeia, and the playground gossip, and then there is you.

At this age, you should have hopefully established open and frank lines of communication with your daughter. I have three girls, so I know the sort of things they hear, and wonder, and worry about!

Tell your daughter that she should only ever do anything she is entirely comfortable with in regard to sex. I told all my daughters that the two-word answer to any lad who gives the "I don't go out with girls who don't sleep with me ... " or "I don't like condoms, so I aren't wearing one ..." is simple, it's "Good ..." followed swiftly by "Bye!"

I have had frank discussions with my daughters about relationships and sex, and advised them that if they are curious, or worried, they can talk to me, and I will tell them the truth every time.

This works for teenagers, who need that security blanket. They may not tell you everything - and sometimes it's better that way (!) - but as a parent that is all you can do. Explain things, leave yourself open to questions and discussions, and hope they have listened.

This is a worrying time for you as a parent, but all you can do is trust your child to be responsible, and to feel she can talk to you.

Good luck!

[redcrx]

Id say its sensationalism.

Yes SOME girls might do that on a first date but i doubt the percentage is very high. Its probably the types that would previously have sex on a first date realising that they could get pregnant and this is the second option. I suppose its progress in a way.

Im sure that if your daughter is an educated and well mannered girl with a mother who talks to her about such things that she will have more sense than to think this is the norm. A shy and quiet teenager is very unlikely to be getting up to that sort of thing. I doubt that she would even discuss something like that with her mates

[snoopydizzle]

Oh. My. God.

PLEASE do not listen to such sensationalist stories - even from "reputable" sources! this will never be common practice amongst girls, if you have brought her up right she will have an inherent sense of right and wrong, and any girl (or boy!) worth their salt would know that oral sex on a FIRST DATE (!!!) is NOT the way to get a "nice" boyfriend or girlfriend. anyone prepared to say things like "i don't like condoms so i'm not wearing one" or "i don't go out with girls who don't sleep with me" is NOT worth having even as a friend, if she is a quiet girl she probably doesn't socialise with such people anyway.

my teenage years are not so far behind me, and i find it VERY hard to believe this kind of rumour. i have always thought stories like this are circulated almost as precautionary tales so parents will freak out and be more aware of what their children are up to, sexually or otherwise.

at the end of the day the best anyone can do for their kids is to be there for them, show support whilst still being cautious, give advice but don't expect them to follow it to the letter!! and all kids will usually do exactly as they please anyway, but what kids get up to isn't usually half as bad as some would have you believe. she has to do all this stuff one day! and one day you will both be past all this "parenting" stage and hopefully be friends.

[pompomfairy]

thats so untrue i mean come on im 16 and ive never done that on a first date let alone after alot of dates its just stupid to think we r like that now i mean come on

[electricblue]

Think you just have to go with how well you know your child,my eldest is 16,its hard when she goes out,but at the end of the day you just have to trust that she has her head screwed on properly,you never stop worrying though!!

[sense4all]

You just have to have faith in your child. I have two teenagers who both say that there are peers in their group who in the name of taste we shall call "experimental", but that this is not the norm. My son says he thinks about " it " a lot but not in relation to actual girls he knows. More as a conceptual thing. He is in his mid teens. I would be more worried about my teens method of travel from place to place than I would be about what they are doing when they get there. I would tackle the issues of sexual health and contraception if you have not already done so. My kids got a factual book from Usborne ,that I bought for them, that is open and honest about the mechanics of reproduction and sex. I would also visit a family planning clinic myself and pick up a leaflet or two on diseases. I was under the impression that the group that has soaring rates of STD's was in fact pensioners! I nearly fell of my chair when my nursey friend announced this.

[sense4all]

http://www.usbornebooksathome.co.uk/catalogue/browse.asp?css=1&subject=YL&subcat=YL_YS&id=1632

Here is a link to the Usborne book. I am going to get one for my youngest while I remember, Many thanks.