emancipation

[peanut]

How does this work? does the child have to be the one to initialize the process or can the parent do it? My kids (not biological) are a real pain in the @ss. Lying, stealing, damaging things that don't belong to them and so on. They are 11 and 13. Who knows maybe they will grow up in the next 5 years, but i highly doubt it. Ive always told my fiance that thier 18th b-day preasent is going to be thier eviction notice. We do not want to be responsible for the crap they pull after they move out before they turn 21 at which point we will legally no longer be responsible for them.

[kazza12345]

^^^ ive never heard of that ... i would guess you are in america? Emancipation to me means the suffragettes and equal rights for women. That is interesting that you are legally responsible till they're 21 .. in britain its 18. If you are worried about trouble after they move out, may i suggest you are worrying a bit too early? At 11 and 13 its up tyo you to teach them right and wrong, not a failing of their part they dont know it

[peanut]

Yes i am in America and indeed the age is 21. They can move out on thier own at 18. They have been to a psychiatrist and not even he could get through to them. They listen to nobody. Apparently emancipation has a different meaning here unless there is more than one meaning or maybe its spelled differently. No I dont think im worrying too soon given the circumstances. I worry about everything until i find a solution.

[kazza12345]

oh, ok - it's just that a lot can change in 7 years (in the case of the youngest one)
emancipation mean setting free or getting equality, so i guess it is the same word, just applied differently ... we don't have anything of the sort over here - i guess it's similar to "divorcing" your kids?
If they are not your children, would you still have responsibility for them? Are you a step parent?

[mycats]

Emancipation is not just about women or suffragettes. I left home at 14 due to very bad problems at home (my mum and I are very close now though) so maybe you just have to ride this out peanut I am ashamed of the way I used to behave when I was young, but have turned my life around now. I think for emancipation, you (and they and their father) would have to go to court and fight for it. There would have to be a plan in place for their care. I really think that it should only ever be concidered as a last resort. Best of luck.

[peanut]

The bio father has absolutely no part in thier lives. By june 2007 I will marry thier mom and become a legal gaurdian. I really hope they can turn things around like you did mycats.

[noxlumos]

You are going to hate this answer, but what the hell are you thinking of?These are 2 kids in the formative years of their lives and already you're making plans to ship them off asap. Are you crazy? The behaviour they are exhibiting is classic prepubescent/teen behaviour that an awful lot of kids go through ( including people whove turned out to be Drs, Lawyers, surgeons,police officers etc etc etc). This will have no bearing on how they will eventually turn out. They need communication from you that is accepting of them. No wonder that they're screaming off in the wrong direction, they must be worried stiff that their mum has chosen a man ahead of them since it's obvious that you don't have a good relationship with them. That's got to be the ultimate in destabilising a kid. I'm sorry I'm just so shocked that anyone could envisage this as a good thing to do. I have no advice for you at all about emancipation because to me that's a non starting concept, I do however urge you to call a family meeting and spend all day if necessary listening to each other and taking on board and respecting what each other has to say, as these kids need you to be the adult here and help them.Sending them to a psychiatrist won't help them, they need this to come from you and their mother.

[peanut]

ok, i can respect that. Thier mother is in no way choosing me over them. We have tried multiple times to sit and talk with them but all they do is shrug thier shoulders and say i dont know. I have nothing to do with them being the way they are right now. they have been like this for several years. They have been through foster care, molested by thier bio father and neglected for years. You cant blame them for being the way they are now but trying to get past the wall they have built is impossible. When i took on my girlfriend i also knew that it was a package deal. I do what i can to support them but they show absolutely no appreciation for anything anyone does for them. Ive never actually told them i was going to ship them off at 18. By the way, the psychiatrist was a family psychiatrist which we all talked to. Its not like we are not trying here but if the kids are not willing to put forth any effort at all this problem will never go away.

[kate1976]

Please don't give up on them, from what you've said they've had a very rough time, being molested and neglected isn't a walk in the park you know!!

As hard as it may be, keep on with the communication, don't show them anger, the poor children probably feel they can't do anything right so what's the point in even trying?!

I know it's not easy on you and your wife to be but try and understand where these kids are coming from, I suggest lots of family communication, counselling and take advice from social services if need be!

The reason these kids are like they are is because they feel scared, which is understandable after what has happened to them and they feel nobody wants them!

Please do keep up with therapy sessions and one day you will get a breakthrough! Remember they are only children, scare and vulnerable ones at that! Don't give up on them, show them that you're willing to listen and be there for them, I know it's difficult but try and not show them anger, if they do something you don't like they may be provoking for a reaction, don't give it, count to 10 and think about what to say/do before doing it!

I wish you a lot of luck with it, it won't be an easy road to walk but it will be worth it, try and see from their point of view and don't give up on them!

All the best! xx

[TopCat1]

Hi, I know its hard for all of you, but these children are in pain because of everything they went through, they need an outlet for this pain. You need to spend quality time as a family, doing things together, hiking, camping, picnics, and other such things, which can include the whole family and give these children an interest, an outlet and to enable them to feel part of a family.

Its not going to be easy, but hang on in, dont give up on them and you will not believe the rewards that come from this.

[peanut]

Thank you all for your support.

[mimififi]

sounds like these kids have given up because everyone (inc of mother possibly in their view) have given up on them.

At the end of the day, they need someone who is gonna love them unconditionally cos at the moment, negative attention or pyshe attention etc etc is better than no attention. As soon as they realise that you love them and she loves them regardless of thier behaviour, they will calm down.

They are probably terrified that all father figures are the same as their bio dad. They are waiting for you to hurt them so they have decided to hurt you first.

reward and praise positive behaviour and try to correct, but not nag and harp on. Really focus on their attributes. Think of their strengths and remind them of how good they can be. Try and find something that they really shine at, be it baseball, or monopoly, or piano, or someting. Try and find some afterschool activities for them eg music/sports/drama/ anything to keep them busy and fullfilled.

These kids sound like kids who don't need a pysh, they need someone to love them.

[suzi-q]

This must hurt their mum too - I know its very hard when a step-parent has problems with kids and it must be hard to accept that you have inherited these 'horrible' young people but I hope you will perservere and try and end up maybe bringing out the best in them. After all they are not really horrible just hurt, bewildered, closed up little people desperately trying to save themselves from more hurt.

They've got to be very unhappy kids and they need love just as much as anyone. By the way I speak as a mum whose new partner has had some serious problems settling down with my 2 teens. His criticisms of my boys has torn me apart at times. But we've all stuck at it and the 18 yr old is now finally starting to respond and give and also receive some respect. My partner talked of throwing him out at 18 but we all got some much needed space when he went to work for his grandad and spends part of the week living there.

Now they get on more as man to man than stepfather to stepson. Albeit its not perfect, its getting so much better. Now the younger ones started to be a pain at 16! Its been really really hard and threatened our relationship big time but you cant just pretend these kids are going to disappear at 18 and never bother you again. They will be her children til the day she dies and they will always, always be part of her. And thats whether or not you emancipate them or whatever.

They are so young this must be hurting them and their mum terribly. Search for your patience and understanding. Hope you don't think I'm having a go because I know how much my partner has suffered over this too. Its tough all round.

[peanut]

thanks again to all of you.