Name of new partner

[PinkFizz]

Hi all.My b/f's ex has moved in with a new guy weeks after meeting him.As b/f has a daughter with this woman he obviously wants to know who this man is as he is now living with his child - I mean ,he could be anybody.We have asked her via her solicitor just for his name etc and she has refused point blank,even though we gave all my details to her,including my mob number for emergencies,but still she won't tell us a single thing.He could be a paedophile for all we know(unlikely but these things happen).

Do you think we have a right to know who he is??

[redcrx]

Hi Pink,

as you say for purely concerns sake your bf should be entitled to know who is bringing up his daughter. Im not sure how the legalities work though. hope someone can help.
Perhaps the ex doesnt want to say in case any benefits / csa payments are affected?
Didnt you find out where they lived the other week? can you get a name from that?

[PinkFizz]

Hi redcyx - hope you're ok hun.

His solicitor says that there isn't a legal document that says she has to tell us who he is,but the sheer fact that she keeps refusing makes it look as though there is more to it.
We got the address but her name comes up on nothing so everything there must be in his name.
Its not just that - the daughter tells us that this guy sometimes takes her to childminder etc and so we now have this guy driving b/f's child about and we havent a clue who he is.

Imagine if there was an accident - and the police came round and asked who the driver was....ummmm ,dunno officer!!

[redcrx]

There must be a way. have you got his first name? will daughter give any info about him?

[PinkFizz]

We don't want to really question her.She knows his first name but its a really common name - loads of guys have it.

[WendyS]

As your boyfriend knows your ex's home address, can you check on the Electoral Roll to see if there is any other name listed as resident at that address. The Parish Council in the area concerned might have these records available, or possibly the library in the local area. If not, if you phone up the Information Section of your Council's offices, they may be able to tell you how to inspect the Electroal Roll.
I certainly think your boyfriend has a right to know who is having a caring role in the life of his daughter.

[natalie_1982]

I don't know the history here, but have you been round to ex's place and asked the guy outright? he may be completely cool with it and understanding (may have kids of his own with previous partner?). It might just be the ex causing a stir, and it would certainly make her look stoooooopid if you turned up and got on fine with the bloke!!

[PinkFizz]

The bloody ex has very cleverly got the contact papers to say that we can drop child off outside house,but cant walk up the path(its her right apparently!!!) so she just opens the front door,calls the child and we let her out of the car.Its like a Carry On Film - its so stupid!!

[natalie_1982]

Hmmm.
How old is littlun?

[PinkFizz]

She is 6 years old.

[noxlumos]

Certainly the legal situation is that you don't have a right to know. The fact that your bf's ex has custody means that she is responsible for the care of the child and that includes who lives with the child and who the child associates with.She doesn't have to tell you unfortunatly but there are obviously ways you can find out, but that won't get you any further as if he is something like a paediophile then there's no way you would know. You can't run a check of any sort on him without his consent which under the circumstances since your bf and his ex appear on such bad terms seems unlikely to say the least. Your best bet in getting any sort of idea ABOUT the man, ( and I don't mean his name and statistics) is by talking to the little un. You'll soon get an idea of whether she likes him, and if he's a decent person by chatting to her and that's all that should really concern you. If you do get a name what possible good will it do you, as you won't be any further forward and I think your bf's ex will just see it as an intrusion and you trying to be controlling of her.You need to just try and guage the TYPE of man he is, and if the little un is comfortable with him then try and relax, you'll find out his name eventually. If she's not you need to discuss this with your bf's ex as that should be a cause for concern to all especially her mother.It does seem stupid not telling you, but the info is of no use to you anyway and it all just seems like a power struggle to me which is a shame for the little girl involved.

[PinkFizz]

the ex doesn't have custody - the residency order is still to go to court - but at the moment the child is with mum in the week and here at weekends.

[noxlumos]

Well if it's still to go to court there are very big issues to be settled and for the little girls sakes I hope you all get them sorted out. I daresay that your solicitor will mention it as part of the hearing but ( and this is from personal experience) it doesn't do a child any good to have all the people who love it at each other's throats so I hope her Mum realies this and becomes more able to trust that you are all reading from the same sheet.

[PinkFizz]

we don't question the child and the mum and dad never row with each other,infact they dont speak.All correspondence is through solicitors.We have tried and tried to keep this out of the courts and to communicate but she has done everything humanely possible to make things as difficult as can be.

[FlowerPetal]

Pink fizz, sadly, i can see this from both sides. I was in the similar situation (although my stepson is slightly older). His bio mother wanted to know everything about me over a Christmas period when i refused to cancel my appts just to take and collect him from contact - and before anybody gives me the "Thats unfair on my stepson" routine please dont because thats a whole different kettle of fish.
His boi mother wanted names, dates, hourly rates etc and i refused on the grounds that we knew nothing about her partner. The courts then granted that my details and her partners details were exchanged so that we were able to move on with the contact order. We had to exchange details for emergencies, so that was our angle.
It was horrible being investigated like that, BUT - it was for the best of my stepson - who we have residence for.
I still think you need to push it with your solicitor when it comes to residency order goes to court - BUT DONT PUSH IT, you dont want to look like your the family causing trouble. Just be sure to make it plain that you are doing this for the sake of the child and are trying to make sure that contact is as safe and happy as possible for the little one.
good luck and fingers crossed it goes the way you want it too.
Flower xx

[PinkFizz]

Hi Flowerpetal(nice name by the way).

The ex has had a succession of men in the last year,the one before she told daughter "was a bad man" and thats why they split up.Now she has taken up with this new guy,and the child ,when with us,never says a single thing about him - as though he doesnt exist,and the couple of times we have seen this man when we dropped child back to them,he says hello to her and she just pretends she hasnt heard him and walks straight past him,