Men = Boys

[Roughquest]

Having had yet another guy get scared and call it off between us, I feel thoroughly miserable and so fed up. Over the past few years the amount of guys i have had relationships with decide after a few months to end it. Where am i going wrong, i feel i alienate men presently and when a nice guy (well who i think is nice and turn out to be a dead loss) comes along and we start dating I feel i start to court disaster and think "OK its only a matter of time before they get scared and run away" but all this heartache i cant take anymore, its really getting me down, its getting to the point now where i am the one that is going to run away from any guy that wants to get close again to save them the bother of ditching me later on. I have been single for 5 years and im gonna remain so it seems....all this stuff "shall i phone him, shant i phone him" for fear of scaring men off, ive had so much advice from friends my head is spinning...waaaagh!
A VERY DISTRESSED RQ

[CrazyDaisy80]

Hello.... Don't give up. I know it is hard and you are feeling low at the moment and it all seems pointless but it isn't. Just be yourself and enjoy your Life. If/when a Bloke comes along you'll be able to enjoy it more because you'll be enjoying yourself and your Life.
Go Shopping today and get some Mates and go out for a Drink tonight and you'll start to feel much better.

[kissyfur]

Do you feel that you have to be in a relationship to make you happy?

[Roughquest]

Not really, I am a naturally very loving person and I do like to be with someone, all my friends are either attached, engaged or married, but im not desperately craving to be in a relationship, i am very independent, but would like some consistency in my life where men are concerned, just someone in the background who i dont have to see all the time would be good, i would never marry again, been there, done that.

[CrazyDaisy80]

Maybe they know that you just want them in the Background and they don't like that as they want to be with you properly????

[Roughquest]

I have never said that to any of the guys that i want them in the background, but i am really fed up of doing all the running in relationships, contacting them etc etc....nothing i do to try and please a guy is right, they take it the wrong way, or dont want to commit when i havent asked them for anything.

[WendyS]

I wonder if the answer to your question can be found in your own comment i.e. "I am really fed up with doing all the running in the relationships - contacting them, etc". and although you say you are happy to be independent and not marry again, your actions disprove this by you seemingly taking the initiative and doing all the chasing. This may be frightening men off even though you haven't specifically asked for some permanent commitment. Perhaps these guys are getting mixed messages from you . You are obviously going through mental confusion about whether to phone them and whether to chase them. Why not just hang back and let the next man to come along take the initiative and wait for his phone call. I suspect you haven't really worked out for yourself what level of commitment you want from a man if you say you don't want to marry again. Perhaps your mixed messages are frightening them off because the serious ones think you don't want to commit, and the non serious ones are scared off by you wanting to take the initiative all the time and they're frightening of being pushed into a corner. Perhaps if you can really define for yourself exactly what you DOwant from the next relationship, (just platonic friendship or sex but not live-in, or sex with him but free to go out with other men, you will be able to "market yourself" without these misunderstandings.

[Hellion]

Hi Roughquest - this may sound weird but...stop trying. Just think 'I'm going to have a good time, if they phone me they phone me, if they don't they don't and if they don't it's their loss not mine' If you take this laid back approach you'll feel more relaxed and the real you will shine through.
In the past I always found a nice fella turned up when I wasn't looking for one!! (Oh and the one I married was right under my nose all the time lol!)

[angel-cake]

I know what you mean - I have been on dates with lots of men of the last few months, after coming out of a long term relationship. A couple I have felt there was the possibilty of something long term with, but the others I knew there was no chance so did not see them again.

It is just a case of waiting for the spark unfortunately. I can honestly say that when I first met my (now) ex, there was never any games of who should call? shall I play hard to get? etc... We were together six years.

Until I get that 'comfortable' feeling early on with someone again, I am not going to bother wasting my time dating second best. You can pretty much tell on the first or second date.

I think you have probably been clinging on to someone you weren't 100% sure about, which I have done a couple of times too, and men (although not astute about most things!) will pick up on this.

I am now happy being single and keeping a lookout for 'the one'!

[Roughquest]

I see what you all mean, maybe im giving out the wrong signals, i do want to be with a guy longterm, but as soon as i start to feel strong emotion and the guy does too, this is where the alarm bells ring and you can gurantee once i have let them know how i feel and they tell me how they feel, its like the have to run off.. so my next man i meet i am not going to let on at all how i feel about them, not contact them, wait for them to contact me. I have not been 'looking
' for anyone really, but i do get alot of male attention wherever i go out.

[Roughquest]

.....cont on from my answer above, i feel like im being toyed with, like someone up in the heavens is dangling nice men infront of me and as soon as it starts to get serious, they get taken away, like the donkey and the carrot scenario...sounds silly i know but that is how it feels, almost like someone up there is having a real laugh at my emotions....boo-hoo....

[stephyker]

You need to stop doing all the chasing! One of my friends when we go out has the same problem. When we are out, as soon as a guy comes chatting to her who she likes, she gives him all her attention. Men feel suffocated by this, even though girls don't think it means anything. And she ends up single still. There is a lot of meaning to the saying 'Be mean, and keep em keen'.

Also, be confident! Why the hell should you care what he thinks? If he likes you enough, then he won't be bothered of when you call him. So don't you worry about the minor little things like that in the dating game. Play it cool, and you will have them coming to you.

Enjoy life with your friends (I know how annoying it can be with marrried and attached friends), make new single friends, make the most of life whilst you are waiting for 'Mr Right' (by the way, he doesn't exist, everyone has faults, you just have to overlook them).