Difficult situation CONTINUED...

[sair5412]

Phil really does want to see Charlie which I think is lovely of him but at the same time, I think it is unrealistic and would leave Charlie believing he is his real dad. I still haven't worked out how to explain about his real father let alone why Phil has now left our lives and, oh by the way, he wasn't your real dad anyway. It's breaking my heart as I don't want Charlie to grow up thinking he isn't loved by his dad (whichever one he decides on!!) and it makes me feel like I've failed him as a mother by making mistakes with the wrong men. If Phil sees Charlie constantly for the next 2 years for example and then Charlie will be 6, what if he then decides to settle down with someone else and decides to call it a day then? Is it best done slowly and leaving it up to Charlie when he wants to see him? I just don't know. I'm already in despair at us breaking up and having to move house and support Charlie on my own but this is getting too much.

Any help or suggestions will be much appreciated. Please don't think I'm a bad person because of how my life has turned out.

[sense4all]

Sorry to read you are having a tough time. I understand all the potential pitfalls that you are contemplating, but they are just potential pitfalls. If my other half popped his clogs and I re- entered the dating scene I would think more of someone who maintained their ties with Charlie not less. Times change, people grow ( or not! ) life happens. If you gently explain that you and Phil don't love each other in a boyfriend / girlfriend way now - but just like all your other friends just not special friends - what harm are you doing? Kids are much more adaptable and resilient than we give them credit for just don't b.s. the wee man they can smell it a mile off. As long as any transition is progresive don't worry. I often over analyse things when Mr Sense is away on business for prolonged periods of time. So, I know that you will be feeling the burden of sole responsiblity for your child, but you know what that means, that you are a good , loving and caring parent already!!!!!! You need to work through the practical stuff before you have room to contemplate everything else with fresh eyes. Sending some PME and my very best wishes to you all. X.

[oldwoman]

How are you going to feel about seeing Phil in the future. Will you be able to move on with your`e own life. We as mothers seem to put our children first even if it is to the detriment of ourselves. I remember years ago when I really felt as if I needed to leave my husband my oldest daughter said no you cant do that to us. After she got married herself she left her husband,I reminded her of what she`d said to me . Her reply, "more fool you". If you think you can cope let him see Charlie, Think of yourself. Best Wishes

[morbidstorm]

I don't know if this will be any help at all, but how about trying to get Charlie to call Phil "Uncle Phil", instead of Dad? He's only 4, and it will probably seem like a game to him at first. My eldest son is 4, and is getting extemely interested in relations and who is who's Mum/Brother/uncle etc
I would wait until Charlie is about 9 before telling him about his real dad (or until he asks - whichever comes first) but be very careful not to say anything detrimental about his biological dad in front of him, as it could turn him to resent you for it. Just tell him the facts and let him know (when he's old enough) that you respect him enough to let him make his own decision about if he wants to see his dad or not.

[shinkypink]

Hi Sair,
I can relate somewhat to your situation - my boyfriend has a 3 year old boy who I completly adore, and I know that if we ever split up it would break my heart to loose contact with him, so I understand why Phil still wants to see Charlie.
We have been very lucky; because even though they split up boyf and his ex (baby's mum) have managed to maintain a friendship, and I would like to think that if we split it would be the same - after all, we all have one very important little boy in common, and seeing him happy and surrounded by people who love him is what's most important.
I hope this helps a little bit, lots of love xx

[sair5412]

thank you so much for all of you reading and posting. It does help to hear others opinions and ideas and I really appreciate it. I'll keep plodding along and hope it'll all turn out right in the end!

[WendyS]

I'm afraid I can't have too much sympathy for your ex husband's feelings as he apparently wanted to dump all the responsibility for bringing up his son during the difficult years but somehow thinks he's going to miraculously pick up the relationship again when your son is 18 and no longer a financial responsibility. Let your son make up his own mind over the years how he feels about this lack of care and contact. Your ex husband may find he's living in a dream world
If Phil really wants to keep in touch with your son, that's fine, and it will be good for him to have some male influence in his life, but perhaps gradually wean the contact down so that your son doesn't feel too much dependence on the relationship, or grieve for the loss too greatly if your boyfriend suddenly finds a new female on whom he wants to concentrate.
I think one of the key issues here, long term, for your son, might be the number of future boyfriends or "uncles" who might appear or disappear from your life as he is growing up, and the possible instability and feeling of inpermanance this might cause him. This will involve you thinking very seriously about the suitability of future male friends in the way they impact on your son. You are not a bad mother. You obviously care very deeply about your son's emotional welfare. Perhaps you just need a period of being a single mum for a while without the complications of a specific boyfriend until you've got your new home sorted and your emotional life back on a steady keel again. Do you have any male relatives - father, brother, uncles who might be a more permanent feature of your lives who can help provide this kind of male friendship for your son?

[angeldraws]

I'm sorry to say that i think morbid is quite incorrect with the suggestion of calling him uncle - as the youngster may feel as tho this person WAS his dad and no longer wnats to be.......(no offence intended....)
I would agree with Wendy about weaning contact down and regarding your ex hubby, just take the lead from your son when he is older. Wendy may well be right regarding the lack of support and responsibility during those years in between 4 & 18 and your son may see it that way by then....