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smacking,
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yes or no...
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Out of 3 children, youngest now 17 I only smacked one child once, 2 slaps on a bare bum, not hard and not through anger, just felt it was deserved at the time. Did he deserve it? not so sure on reflection, but done him no harm and he doesn't even remember it, he was 6 at the time. I don't see any point with this continually smacking kids and screaming at them.
people do worry me , when they say ' it never did me any harm'....of course it did because you're doing exactly the same to your own children....I was 'smacked, and worse as a child...did it make me a better person....well yes i believe it did because i swore never to abuse my children in the same way......All it teaches children is that if things get to the point where you lose control it is actually alright simply to assault somoene...just becasue you can...x
NO, NO, NO,NO,NO, NO, NO!
It's never necessary to smack a child and I have never so much as raised my voice to my kids never mind about smacking them, there are other ways to make children understand what's ok and what's not. We have a very happy, calm house, no anti-social behaviour BECAUSE we do not smack.If you smack often, there is no effect after a while ( I was battered stupid every day until my Dad died when I was seven, and I considered significant violence very run of the mill by then) and if you only hit occasionally the shock value is truly traumatic for your child, so why would you wish to accomplish either of those things with your kids, how can this possibly help? Explain things, treat them calmly and with respect and you'll have no problems.
It's never necessary to smack a child and I have never so much as raised my voice to my kids never mind about smacking them, there are other ways to make children understand what's ok and what's not. We have a very happy, calm house, no anti-social behaviour BECAUSE we do not smack.If you smack often, there is no effect after a while ( I was battered stupid every day until my Dad died when I was seven, and I considered significant violence very run of the mill by then) and if you only hit occasionally the shock value is truly traumatic for your child, so why would you wish to accomplish either of those things with your kids, how can this possibly help? Explain things, treat them calmly and with respect and you'll have no problems.
No smacking.
But having said that, when I ran a playgroup I often used physical restraint to stop children doing things I didn't want. In a way that is still giving the message "I am bigger than you, so do as I say", but I think it's sometimes justfied. Children need a framework of rules. Adults need to explain and respect the children, and be flexible where necessary (at playgroup there were certain rules that everyone HAD to obey, for safety, others that they were expected to stick to but allowances were made for new, shy children.
But having said that, when I ran a playgroup I often used physical restraint to stop children doing things I didn't want. In a way that is still giving the message "I am bigger than you, so do as I say", but I think it's sometimes justfied. Children need a framework of rules. Adults need to explain and respect the children, and be flexible where necessary (at playgroup there were certain rules that everyone HAD to obey, for safety, others that they were expected to stick to but allowances were made for new, shy children.
I have smacked my children, but only in extreme circumstances. I once went upstairs and my four year old had unlatched his window and was hanging out of the window with just his legs inside.
I did smack him that day just as a reaction, probably a mixture of fear, adrenaline and relief. And I am NOT saying that I did the right thing - parenting is all about finding the right way for you and your children.
Calling smacking (the ocasions slap on the hand/thigh) 'abusing' a child like ladyboy has is utter rubbish - I used to have leather belts with buckles attached taken to me, and slippers - THAT'S abuse, and I know my boundaries. I would never do that to my children, and take deep offence at people telling me I abuse my children if I try to discipline them.
I did smack him that day just as a reaction, probably a mixture of fear, adrenaline and relief. And I am NOT saying that I did the right thing - parenting is all about finding the right way for you and your children.
Calling smacking (the ocasions slap on the hand/thigh) 'abusing' a child like ladyboy has is utter rubbish - I used to have leather belts with buckles attached taken to me, and slippers - THAT'S abuse, and I know my boundaries. I would never do that to my children, and take deep offence at people telling me I abuse my children if I try to discipline them.
I have smacked both mine on occasions but found that it didn't actually work. There are better ways of dealing with situations. I think, with the arrival of Supernanny, the programme has shown many people that there are alternative and better ways to discipline. It is a really good programme and has certainly helped my parenting in the odd area.
The problem with the new law against smacking is that it is in place to stop child abuse. To stop people beating two bells out of their child. However, this law is NOT going to stop the minority of people who habitualy do this. Instead, it just makes life difficult for those who do agree with smacking as a form of disipline.
Furthermore, children of a young age do not understand reasoning. They understand pain, and so this is the best way of making them understand what they should and shouldnt do. It should never be done in anger however. The parent must calm down, and tell the child exactly why they are getting the smack, and that if they do it again, they will get smacked again. Nearly in all cases, the child will not repeat the thing that got them smacked. My parents smacked me, and me brother at a young age and we were perfectly behaved children as a result.
Furthermore, children of a young age do not understand reasoning. They understand pain, and so this is the best way of making them understand what they should and shouldnt do. It should never be done in anger however. The parent must calm down, and tell the child exactly why they are getting the smack, and that if they do it again, they will get smacked again. Nearly in all cases, the child will not repeat the thing that got them smacked. My parents smacked me, and me brother at a young age and we were perfectly behaved children as a result.
hi boo, well firstly we talk almost incesantly to our babies right from the word go, and the more you communicate with and identify things for them the earlier they catch onto absolutely everything. I noticed the difference actually ( this is my wife's strategy) between the children's developement that I had with my first wife (we didn't do this from the word go, but left it slightly later in a similar belief to Hannah's that they can't grasp things) and the kids I have had with my second. My 8 year old daughter was fully able to identify and understand things by a year old. She was dry day and night, by reasoning, by 14 months and was a very early talker with good sentence structure and vocabulary well ahead of the accepted timescales. She wrote her name and other simple words prior to her second birthday and was reading fluently by 3. With regards to behaviour, we could keep her out of waste paper bin etc by 10 months (just by saying "No") and that is the golden word. For very young babies if something is undesireable you simply gain eye contact with them, pull a horrible yukk face and say "NO" looking stern, you then repeat this a few times and elaborate simple words why, like "dirty", "Dangerous" etc. You naturally enough have to show them what dirty and dangerous is or it's meaningless to them, so if I for example pricked my finger on a drawing pin, I would bother to show her the blood and the pin, show her hat happened to me and pretend to cry and say "No, Dangerous".Then if and when they do it themselevs and you repeat that it becomes apparent to them and they truly grasp what it means. It's very simple, takes quite a lot of effort but you CAN ( and we have had), children you can reason with at around 12 months old.
Noxy~ thanks for that really well thought out concise answer, I'm seriously impressed here, though I do have to admit to being a bit sceptical. You mentioned this system (for want of a better word) worked with your daughter, have you tried it with all your childrenwith your second wife? Or do you personally know others who've tried it? What I'm getting at really is, could it have worked so spectacularly on this one particular child because she's naturally bright?
Whilst I remain sceptical that this system works for all children, I'm curious to find out more and maybe adopt some of it with my own 21 month old. I haven't even shouted at her yet, she's basically a good little thing, but I've no doubt she will push me to the limit at some point in the none too distant future, and I'd love to know how to react when that time comes. If I can see a better method than resorting to the standard yelling and smacking route, that works, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Do you know of any websites which would give me further information?
Whilst I remain sceptical that this system works for all children, I'm curious to find out more and maybe adopt some of it with my own 21 month old. I haven't even shouted at her yet, she's basically a good little thing, but I've no doubt she will push me to the limit at some point in the none too distant future, and I'd love to know how to react when that time comes. If I can see a better method than resorting to the standard yelling and smacking route, that works, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Do you know of any websites which would give me further information?
My first son was doing all those things like noxlumos's daughter, as I indeed spoke to him and had continuous 'conversations' with him from the word go. He was a little later nappy trained 18 months but could understand everything by 9 months, I'm convinced. I still had occasion to deliver the odd smack though. Plus, knowing and understanding everything ,did not automatically means that he was going to obey!!
hi boo, well my children with my second wife are actually, from birth, only Sha (8) and Rivka (nearly 6 months). We have Ciaran who we didn't have custody of until he was 2 as he is an ex girlfiend of mine's little boy who sadly died, so my experience of this system from birth is limited to Sha,as all of my other children have been from my previous marriage. My wife used this with her son, now in his 20's and apparently it worked for her ( it's her system). My brother's girlfriend is also using it on her little girl Adele who is nearly 3 now and it has worked pretty much along the same lines with Adele.Ciaran would be at about the same stage as your 21month old when we had him and he settled into the idea quite quickly but as Le Chat says just because they understand doesn't mean they naturally obey and initially when they realise they can ignore you, you need to be VERY determined and repeat the eye contact,NO, re-inforcement over and over, but don't shout. I don't see why this will not work with your little one as she's at the same stage as Ciaran was and we had very few tantrums with him, and it really does make for a very calm and happy house.Rivka is just at the rolling, crawling everywhere stage and getting into things she shouldn't and is starting to recognise NO and occasionally act upon it, so I'll keep you posted.As far as I'm aware there are no websites about this, as it's not widely recognised that kids that young can meaningfully take on board such complexities, but if anyone knows of any preaching similarly I'd be interested in them too.It's nice that Le chat recognised that her 9 month old was able to understand in a similar way as the amount of people who just will not accept it's possible is incredible, but I honestly don't think it's unique to the kids we have and know, I think in some degree or another it's across the spectrum with obvious subtle differences depending on the child and indeed the parents.Hope this helps although it's a bit
I can't answer for myself, as my daughters handicapped, so it never arose, but observations tell me that it shouldn't be neccessary, my brothers two, were never smacked, they were punished, but not before they fully understood why they were being punished. Two well adjusted, successful and polite adults are the result.
If its felt that a smack is deserved, then its the parents lack of parental skills that are at fault.
If its felt that a smack is deserved, then its the parents lack of parental skills that are at fault.
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