Ok, i need some serious advice...

[jelly-baby]

Basically, I am about 7 weeks pregnant. The father is married and i have obviously been having an affair with him.

He wants me to have a termination, although he has said it is my choice and he is not is a position to force me to do anything.

I am 29 years old and have no children so i am really worried about the affect of an abortion on my body (for future pregancies etc). I have told him that i will have an abortion but i feel i am doing it more so that it doesnt wreck his marriage, rather than because it is what is best for me.

I dont expect him to leave his wife and everything to work out perfectly for him and me, i am prepared to bring the baby up on my own if i go ahead with the pregnancy.

I went to the doctor to arrange the termination and was kind of hoping he would offer me some kind of councelling or something but he was very cold about it and has not even told me what is going to happen, just that his office will call me with an appointment.

Im now really confused and dont know whether to just have the abortion and get on with my life (ive told him i dont want to see him again if i have the abortion). Or have the baby (which i think is the option that feels more right for me) which will in turn end his marriage, and completely turn my life around.

I dont want to be responsible for ending his marriage, but is that a good enough reason to have a termination?

[Slooow_Jo]

All I say is...I'm a single mum & it is bloody hard!!

[Theland]

Unless there are medical risks to your health, then ask yourself, would it be right to have an abortion?
Never mind your lovers marriage, the child you carry is a precious life, who has a right to life?
Yes, you need counselling, from somebody who is more supportive than your G.P. to help you to cope with the new situation of becoming a mother.

[dot.hawkes]

Get practical, check with work to see what your maternity benefit rights are, but don't base your decision on money alone cos he will have to cough up the support, have the baby, make sure he goes to the register office to add his name to the registration, you can't add it in his absence as u are not going to be married, tell the child when he/she is 14 who her dad is, get him to pay for the wedding if she is a girl, he has to give her away, make sure u know his family history medical wise as u will feel foolish at the anti natal clinic when they ask u. make this the start of a fabulous journey and don't worry too much, you're gonna be part of a special little miracle of your own.

[ummmm1]

He is responsible for his marriage, you are not

I kinda guessed you might be pregnant from your last post

He took a risk by having an affair, if he was so concerned about you falling pregnant he would have made sure that he took the right precautions to make sure that didn't happen. He didn't do that so he has no right to expect you to abort your baby through mutual carelessness (if it was)

This will be a decision that you have to make for what is right for you...not him

And yea, bringing up kids alone is hard but you'll cope.

Good luck

[~max~]

You have already made your mind up, haven't you? :-P

Now, all there is left is details.

He's going to be a father, whether he wants it or not - and he should have thought about it beforehand- and you are going to be a mother.

Whether you are going to bring up this child by yourself is almost irrelevant, as I can't see any "happy family" story happening here. You will, however, have a family, which is what having a child means. You're going to have to care for another human being for at least 16 years. You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to do this.

You are obvously intent on having this baby, and that's your choice. Lots of information is available on various pregnancy forums. Do not do anything you are likely to regret, is all I'm saying. **** the guy, it is YOUR life.

Best of luck whatever your decision is. XXX

[dot.hawkes]

don't forget that finance is no longer an issue these days you know.

[Slooow_Jo]

I really cant believe this is happening but.....I disagree with Dot :-(

You'd be lucky to go 14 years without the child wanting to know about his/her dad :-( my son is nearly 11 & started asking questions years ago :-(

Should have said on my last post, but good luck whatever you decide :-)

[Lore]

jelly-baby, I couldn't agree more with what Dot and Ummmm have said, I will add that you need to do whatever you feel is right for you. Having a termination to save him isn't the answer.
The fact that you've already said "I have told him that i will have an abortion but i feel i am doing it more so that it doesnt wreck his marriage, rather than because it is what is best for me." tells me you already know what you want to do.

Again, bringing up a child is hard work but isn't anything worth having meant to be hard work? I wasn't sure if I wanted any more children after a failed marriage but I met someone else and had another baby - she's 2 months old now and although it's been hard being on maternity leave from a place I love and having to cut back my hours when I return not to mention having to learn how to cope with less money.......I'd give it all up in a second to be a stay at home mum and spend quality time with her.

Think long and hard about this - try not to think of him as part of the situation, it's you and the baby.. no one else matters.

[jelly-baby]

That's the thing, im not "intent" on having the baby. I dont know what to do. I just feel like my decisions are: 1, have a termination and save his marriage, or 2, have the baby and his marriage ends....

I cant seperate the two things and i feel like the decision is more about do i wreck his marriage or not, rather than do i have the baby or not.

[dot.hawkes]

fair enough jo, 14 was a fairly random number i guess, but if they live close to the git sorry guy, his kids may be at the same school

[chitchat]

You should be asking yourself what is best for you not how your decision will effect his marriage. You have to take his marriage out of the equation or you may end up making the wrong decision for you. How would you deal with this if he wasnt married but didnt want to commit to a relationship with you?

Have you not got a friend you can talk to?

[raysparx1]

jelly-baby, why does it have to wreck his marriage ? You can bring the baby up without him,his marriage can't be that great anyway, and you have said you thin k having the baby is the right option for you,having an abortion is an option,but I think that is a far bigger decision than having the baby, but I am speaking as a bloke, it won't be easy fetching a baby up on your own, and it is going to be tough whatever you decide,you do need to talk to somebody, haven't you got a close friend you can chat to who will be 100% honest with you, you certainly have a lot of thinking to do, good luck, Ray

[jelly-baby]

I have told a friend. Unfortunately, i dont think she was too happy with me as she is married and trying for a baby. She knew of the affair, but let me get on with it. Now though, she basically told me to get rid of the baby and get him out of my life and said it would mess up my life if i had the baby. I wished id never told her after i spoke to her.

[curlylfim]

the affect on his marriage has no effect on you, dont feel guilty, you do what is best for you, which i know you already do, i know plenty of single mothers (not mine either!) they all cope, well lead happy lives, its not going to easy but life never is or will be,
so dont worry about othe people morals, its your life not theirs....
i'd say good luck, but you wont need it

[anderlee]

You wont be ending his marriage,he has already done that himself!! It sounds as though you want the baby so find out all you are entitled to and screw him for all the money he has to contribute. Being a parent is very hard but its very rewarding and you will know that you have made the right decision when you have those beautiful moments with your baby. If you have good friends and family,you will be fine.
Good luck jelly baby and let us know how you get on xxx

[jelly-baby]

he doesnt have any children with his wife. they have been together a long time but it seems their marriage was on the rocks way before i came along. Before we knew about the pregnancy, i asked him why they had not had children, and he said it was cos he didnt believe in having a child unless a relationship was stable. he got married 2 or 3 years ago and said he was unsure of the relationship even then.

[anderlee]

Jelly baby- just read your last post. Who needs friends like that?? If my friend told me to get rid of my baby i would tell her where to go!!!! Go and speak to a counsellor/support group for impartial advice xx

[jelly-baby]

i know what you are saying And, i did feel really upset after talking to her. I just felt like she was telling me that because she wants a baby and didnt want me to have one.

[raysparx1]

Your so called friend sounds a bit jealous, she is not a true friend, and the bloke you speak of, will never be any good for you, he is purely thinking of himself, which is exactly what you have to do, think of you, and only you.

[smudge]

Firstly, I really do feel for you being in this very awkward, heartbreaking situation. I would feel equally sorry for this man's wife if she found out about her husband's affair & the prospect of him becoming a father to another woman's child.

However, I am not in the postion to give you advice on whether or not you should have a termination - this should be your own personal choice.

Apart from making an appointment with your GP, which you have already done - I really do feel you should be seeking further unbiased professional advice.

In the meantime, your could scroll down the following link, which may be of some help.

http://www.questia.com/library/book/the-aborti on-dilemma-personal-views-on-a-public-issue-by -miriam-claire.jsp

I wish you luck for the future, whatever your decision. Take care. Smudge -xx-