Unexpected behaviour from partner

[ghostbuster]

I wondered if anyone could give me their opinions on some unexpected behaviour from my partner please. We have been together for a long time and I have never had cause to doubt her and I thought that we had been very happy. We have a nice lifestyle and I accepted her child as my own who is now grown up. She recently went away to work with someone I knew she was already acquainted with, and to be concise has come back and informed me that he is her grown up child's father and that despite him treating her extremely badly and having lied to me about who her child's father was previously she is going to move abroad with him to where he lives now.
This is all very quick, as they have only "re met" in the last month despite having kept in touch by email and calls for a numbr of years.
I find myself floored by her behaviour which is completely out of character for her and now face the prospect of having my children live in another country for at least part of the year with a man whose already proved himself incapable of behaving properly. Please help, anyone any ideas as to whether this is some sort of midlife crisis or has she gone completely mad? Thanks.

[angel-cake]

I would guess this is not completely unexpected on her part. Maybe she has been thinking this for a while and even discussed it with him. Are you sure they have only just "re-met"?

[dove]

you poor poor man. Unfortunately I dont think there is anything you can do, but my sincere thoughts and well wishes are with you.

[dilf]

this man has become a bit of a pain ghostbuster. fight back, if you want to keep her then he has to be prevented from kicking you in the nuts. where is his greatfull thanks for raising his child . im not saying you should get physically violent but thats not to say you cant get violent in another way dont waste your hatred on this man turn it on him and terryfy the tw@t in every other way. verbally and mentally so that come halloween he'll sh1t his pants at the thaught of you. if she's worth fighting for GB then fight

or alternatively you could try Relate and chat about it

[ghostbuster]

Thanks for the well wishes.
It would be an extraordinarily bad idea for me to get physical with him even if I could get at him and I think that would finally finish it with my wife even if it's not set in stone already, much as I'd like to.
She's not open to discussion about it at all not even regarding the fact that she has lied to me (and her son) for years about who his father is ( he has no contact with the man he thought was his father). Her son is as dismayed as I am. She said that she is sorry and that none of this was planned, quite the contrary, but when they met again it all just clicked with them.
This man has a live-in girlfriend himself and a four year old son. I have no idea what's got into her and he just hangs up when I try to call.

[Lady P Gone]

This must be a terrible double whammy to cope with. Not only are you probably feeling bewildered by the lies and the betrayal but you are faced with the prospect of your children (are there some more that you had together?) going too. The fact that you accepted her child as your own too, must hurt in that she seems to have given you no respect. First of all, if you have had a good relationship with the child and it sounds as if you have, I would not worry too much about that, as you will always have a relationship and if they are now grown up they will probably not be too happy about it either. I would advise not to let her 'side' with you or appear to, as that will only make things worse. I think the only thing you can do is just be as calm as possible and make sure that you do exercise your rights, in that she cannot take your children out of the country I don't think, although it might do more damage to prevent it. I think the whole thing will go pear shaped in a few months, she has gone mad as you say, and the children may well need the stability of the home again if it does.

[Lady P Gone]

Secondly, you need to think about the financial consequences this might have on you, it seems cold hearted perhaps, but you need to protect yourself re the house and things, as if this guy is a loser he might push her into trying to get you to support them all! I don't think a betrayal as bad as this can ever be repaired, so there is not much point in questions and phoning and so on. You need to regroup which will take some time, and just think that for some reason she has been blinded by some kind of passion, which can happen, and that you did have many good years together. Good luck to you.

[ghostbuster]

Thank you Lady-P-Gold and everyone else for your help and advice.
I'm actually not worried about the finances as she's already said she has no interest in the money angle of things ( and I do believe her on that) and he is doing very well for himself so I don't get the impression that he will try to angle money from me via her.
She has suggested a simple shared custody of the children we have together with no legals or dramas or anything unpleasant but our youngest child is under a year old and to be honest I'm unsure how the practicalities of that would work with such a young baby.
She is actually being very "nice" and reasonable under the circumstances, but the whole thing is just totally non-negociable with her, I'm at such a loss as to where to go next, other than let her go in a week or so when she is due to go back. Her son is in his 20's and he can't seem to get through to her either. It's just becoming this enormous wreck and I feel unable to even state to her how I feel, because she keeps saying things like "Don't do this to yourself" if I try to talk to her.
Thanks to everyone who replied and tried to help me, it's very appreciated.

[kaylamay]

tell her good riddens and then fight for custody of your children under the grounds of infidelity. Are these your biological children? I would be damned if i would allow her to take my kids away to live with some other guy after i had stood by her all these years. One day she will realize her mistake, just wish you could be a fly on the wall when she does.
Mikala

[kaylamay]

her and her new boyfriend sound like the most selfish people on the planet! I would NOT let her take the kids. This guy is going to abandon another child(the boy you raised and his new 4 year old) so how loving is he going to be with yours.
She is being nice cause she probably knows you have grounds for divorce and full custody because of her behavior.
I would then sue her for child support. You must be strong now for your kids and not allow then to be put in to an unsuitable situation away from their dad and older brother. You even have her her older son on your side. She will wake up one morning and wonder what the hell she has done. Just dont let your children suffer while waiting for her to come to her senses.
Pure Selfishness on their parts! She doesn't care about you or the children or she would make decisions based on them and not her desires. Tell her she can be with him, she just cant have the children too.
Mikala