Editor's Blog1 min ago
My son is making me stressed
My lad is 25 and a great lad at times,but when i split with his dad when he was eleven he seems off and on to have always been in bother in some shape or form, he is up in court next week for a assault charge, i have just been served papers to go in and be a witness for him, dont know what i am going to get asked!!!, He has got a job a temperary contract,what worries me is that they wont keep him on even though he is needed, as he will have to take time off next week to go to court, and he has already taken time off after breaking his jaw!i struggle as it is moneywise and was relying on his dig money, i dont want to have a row with him but i have had enough!!!!
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I think B00's right - you should stop feeling responsible for what he gets up to. Parents have it tough enough (as you know) but the way you said right in your first sentence that it seems somehow related to your divorce... well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but that doesn't mean you should have to feel it's your fault for something (perfectly reasonable) you did 14 years ago. You don't have to stop loving him - heaven forbid I should stop loving jno jnr even if he bcomes a psycho killer - but it's time to say, hey, he's 25, time for him to take responsibility for his own lilfe.
About needing his money: again, he's responsible for the rent he pays you, as he would be to any landlord. It's for HIM to sort out, not you. (I would agree that this advice isn't very helpful for you, though!)
As for what you're going to be asked - is it is lawyer who's summoned you to court? if so, ask him what he intends to ask, and what the prosecution might ask you. And tell the truth, don't be trying to make excuses for him (that's his lawyer's job). Whether he's guilty or not, it's up to him to answer the charges - not you.
I know, it's hard to tell a mother not to feel responsible for her child. But at some stage he's going to have to grow up, and you're going to have to let go. Maybe this will be the time he suddenly realises which way his life is going and starts thinking about what to do with it?
About needing his money: again, he's responsible for the rent he pays you, as he would be to any landlord. It's for HIM to sort out, not you. (I would agree that this advice isn't very helpful for you, though!)
As for what you're going to be asked - is it is lawyer who's summoned you to court? if so, ask him what he intends to ask, and what the prosecution might ask you. And tell the truth, don't be trying to make excuses for him (that's his lawyer's job). Whether he's guilty or not, it's up to him to answer the charges - not you.
I know, it's hard to tell a mother not to feel responsible for her child. But at some stage he's going to have to grow up, and you're going to have to let go. Maybe this will be the time he suddenly realises which way his life is going and starts thinking about what to do with it?
I have been reading this with great interest and I have to agree with Boo. I have not had any trouble at all with my son so I cannot possibly know how you feel puddicat. The discussion about being there for your kids made me think of a situation in my family at the moment. My sister in law had a son who is now 28 years old, he has grown up on a loving family with two other brothers and a sister. The esiest way I can tell the tale is in a list of short sentences as it would take me all night to type it.
Lad at 15 in trouble for breaking local church windows
Mother saying couldn't be him he's a good lad.
Lad at 17 arrested for arson
Mother it wasn't him.
Lad at 18 hob after job after job kept walking out
Mother They kept giving him work he didn't like.
Lad at 19 mother buys him a car and 2 weeks later smashes it up.
Mother it wasn't his fault the road must have been wet
Now all quiet for a couple of years but mother writes all his application forms for jobs and rings firms up whilst lad is in bed.....he's tired you see.
Anyway I will bnring you up to date because I'm sure you are getting bored.
Father of lad is paying for lad to take an HGV coarse.
Mother buys lad a new car.
Lad gets done for drink driving 2 years ban �1000 fine.
HGV down the drain Lad very depressed because now all he can get is unskilled work in local mill.
He still has his mothers love of course she has stood by him all the way.
Lad at 15 in trouble for breaking local church windows
Mother saying couldn't be him he's a good lad.
Lad at 17 arrested for arson
Mother it wasn't him.
Lad at 18 hob after job after job kept walking out
Mother They kept giving him work he didn't like.
Lad at 19 mother buys him a car and 2 weeks later smashes it up.
Mother it wasn't his fault the road must have been wet
Now all quiet for a couple of years but mother writes all his application forms for jobs and rings firms up whilst lad is in bed.....he's tired you see.
Anyway I will bnring you up to date because I'm sure you are getting bored.
Father of lad is paying for lad to take an HGV coarse.
Mother buys lad a new car.
Lad gets done for drink driving 2 years ban �1000 fine.
HGV down the drain Lad very depressed because now all he can get is unskilled work in local mill.
He still has his mothers love of course she has stood by him all the way.
You seem to be rejecting everything that is being said to you, Puddicat, so what are you looking for on the posts on here?
If you have had enough, then the solution is in your own hands. Sooner or later, he has to stand on his own two feet, accept responsibility for his actions, (and I know you will say it is not all his own fault,) but he has been charged.
If you really have had enough tell him to clear off! Harsh? Maybe! But there was a lady who wrote to a local paper in Eastbourne recently, who was proud of her son for starting to get over being an alcoholic. But she admitted that he had said to her that until she walked away because she had had enough of protecting him from his debts, sorting out his accommodation when he got evicted ,and his run-ins with the law, and told him he had to stand on his own, it was only then he then realised that she was no longer a soft touch and he had to sort himself out...........
If you have had enough, then the solution is in your own hands. Sooner or later, he has to stand on his own two feet, accept responsibility for his actions, (and I know you will say it is not all his own fault,) but he has been charged.
If you really have had enough tell him to clear off! Harsh? Maybe! But there was a lady who wrote to a local paper in Eastbourne recently, who was proud of her son for starting to get over being an alcoholic. But she admitted that he had said to her that until she walked away because she had had enough of protecting him from his debts, sorting out his accommodation when he got evicted ,and his run-ins with the law, and told him he had to stand on his own, it was only then he then realised that she was no longer a soft touch and he had to sort himself out...........
puddicat I really do sympathise with you I don't know how I would feel in your situation, the reason I told the tale about my sister in law is that this lad will never be able to do anything for himself she even phones him constantly when he is with his girlfriend who she dislikes. I am not comparing her to you at all I don't know you I was just giving a personal example of a man now 28 not being able to stand on his own two feet, or take any resposibility for his actions.
thanks puss i never ring my son to intervere in his life lol! not that interested!!!!, that was extreme by my standards your sister in law has to let go!!,my son is hopeless at even getting his life in order but thats me its not my life, and as the abers say the truth as they see it, but wont stop me loving him, all i wanted was maybe someone who had went thru it to give me there opinion,obviously apart form mitzi no one else has gone thru this!
I have been part of this conversation for the past hour or so and you know what puddicat,I AM going to take all this advice,i have tried everything else with my son,i love him unconditionally BUT,i have never let him stand on his own 2 feet,ive always feared that if i stepped into the background that he would probably go down the road of no return,well,i will have to see,ALL these people cannot be wrong.
My boys are 37,35,30 and 24,the youngest was given everything,i think this is where i went wrong with him.He is such a nice lad but he's had a few brushes with the law,driving without insur,having cannabis but he's only had fines,i worry that he might go on to bigger things,i hope and pray that he turns that corner because it makes me ill,my doctor told me to walk away from him, i have tried,now i am going to try harder.I do understand how you feel,unless you have been there,you dont know what its like,we are there,we are wearing the t-shirts
Well puddicat,my son does'nt even live with me so you would think that i would be free of him but what do you do when they ring and tell you that their in bother and they need your support? Maybe it's not them puddicat,maybe its US,WE'RE TOOOOO SOFT.Life's a bitch,look on the bright side girl,things can only get better.x
