Troubled toddler

[JGirlStar27]

How can I stop my toddler from hitting, pulling hair and scratching? Any suggestions? I've tried time outs, hand slapping (only to make it worse). It is starting to cause serious problems.

[wendymae]

I would do it back to them..(not too hard, obviously) if they pull hair then you pull their hair etc.. It worked for me...

[crazy chick]

Call super nan

[crazy chick]

Yea she'll sort him/her out

[andy hughes]

This aggression may be rooted in behavoural problems, so if the methods outlined don't work, try asking for a referral from your GP. In the mean time, hold the 'offending hand' and put your face close to your toddler's and say 'NO! NAUGHTY!' very loudly and clearly. As soon as you release the hand, your toddler will probably do the same again, but you do the same as well. Eventually the penny will drop - biting and scratching makes mum and dad do something I don't like, so I'll stop. It takes patience, but it does work.

[koolkid110]

try the take away thing he punches- dont let him wach tv he pulls hair- take away his favorite toy he scratches- take away games its not that hard

[justachilgrl]

i am a nanny for a four yr old boy and he is very violent. he likes to be rough and hits often. what i find is most effective is when he hits me i take away a toy each time. he knows this rule well now and has calmed down quite a bit. i know your toddler is a younger but if he understands tell him you dont play with children who hit and nobody else wants to play with him either. then give him/her the silent treatment for a bit. they will realize its awfully lonely by themselves. hope this helps its hard but be patient things will only get better!

[zgma]

One possibility is that the behavior is meant to get your attention. I would be wary of punishments that "reward" the behavior, i.e. that mean your attention is highly focused on the toddler. And I would avoid doing it back to them, because that teaches them that it's okay to do it to people less powerful than them. I also have a toddler who is acting out fairly frequently right now, and what I do is say, very calmly, "I don't like that behavior. Let me know when you're ready to tell me in words what you want." And then I turn away and do something else that doesn't involve him. He hates to be left out. When he's well behaved, I try to pay lots of attention to him. I want him to associate bad behavior with not being included, and good behavior with being included. That's how it works in the real world - nobody wants to hang out with an adult who's a loser. Well, I should say, IDEALLY that's how I react. When I'm sleep-deprived and at the end of my patience it's another story! I'm with you, Rox - it IS that hard.

[vittoria]

I was told when my daughter was a couple of years old that, if she bit me while I was holding her, I should drop her immediately. I seem to remember nothing I tried worked, but she grew out of it.

[???]

THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS IS TO TALK TO THEM. IF THAT DOES NOT WORK THEN YELL NO! AND WAVE YOUR FINGER, SO THEY SEE AND HEAR YOU. IF YOU DO THE SAME THING THEY DO TO YOU LIKE PULL THEIR HAIR. IT IS JUST SHOWING THEM THAT IT IS OKAY TO HIT ONE ANOTHER. YOUR WELCOME.

[Doolallygirl]

I always say a good smack helps! My mum was a childminder back in the day when children were still allowed to be punished (!) and (with other parents consent of course) she often smacked the kids she was looking after and not one of them has turned out bad at all. I will teach my children this way. She only done it when nothing else worked.

[RevShirls]

Doolallygirl, I have to disagree on the smacking. I used to share to your views but it was my husband who convinced me otherwise (several years ago before we were married). He is a psychologist and he's also Swedish. I live in Sweden now. It is illegal here to smack children. I am amazed at how well-behaved most of the children here are. In fact, I don't think I have seen any significant bad behaviour, although I'm sure it must happen from time to time. When we first discussed the question of smacking, my argument was that I was smacked and it never did me any harm. My husband asked me what right a parent has to smack their child. I didn't and don't have an answer to that. JGirlStar, it is not easy at all. I think some of the methods mentioned above (apart from smacking) are the most effective. You say that it is starting to cause serious problems. Perhaps you should, as suggested, discuss this with your GP as your GP will have come across situations like this and should be able to give you resources, contacts or information. It's important for your health too, as you will be getting stressed and even embarrassed (I guess) by this.

[zgma]

Yes, I also strongly disagree with the smacking. What I want most for my child is for him to grow up happy, secure, respectful, and at peace. If I don't treat him with respect, how is he going to learn to be respectful? If his parents, the people with whom he has the strongest relationship and who are most responsible for him, hit him when he does something wrong, how can he grow up secure? This fits right in with disciplining a toddler. My toddler is developmentally at a stage where he is testing the boundaries. He wants to know what my reaction will be if he does X, and whether he can sometimes get away with it, or never. If he hits me or someone else, and to teach him that it's wrong I hit him back, what message does that send? It sends the message that you are allowed to hit, but only if you have the power in the relationship. It also tells him that I don't respect him very much. I would never think of hitting my mother, or the guy sitting next to me on the train, or some other kid... why is it okay to hit my own kid? He is not doing this out of malice. He is a good kid, who is fairly new in the world, and who is trying to figure out what's acceptable and what's not. So hitting him doesn't project the message I want to project: that hitting is not socially acceptable behavior. The way to do this is to calmly, respectfully, tell the child when some behavior is not acceptable. If the behavior continues, it's not because the child is a little snot. It's because he is testing to see what my reaction will be next time - he's still trying to learn about the world. If my reaction next time (and the next, and the next) confirms what I've already told him, that his behavior is unacceptable, he will eventually realize that the behavior is always unacceptable. He'll never realize it if the messages I send contradict each other (i.e. "hitting is wrong" *smack*).

[nrmatth]

your response depends on the nature of the child and the age and maturity. i always made sure when make kids were little that i didn't go owww! or balk or make any interesting reaction to their actions when they did these things. doing this when they're infants work wonders. you stay relaxed and firmly say no, that's ouchy. they soon tire of it and you have very few problems when they reach toddler age. I read somewhere that if you want to teach them that these things hurt, for example biting, then put their own arm in their mouth and shut their mouth. once they feel the pain and recognize it comes from their acting of biting they can listen from you about why this hurts and maybe you can give acceptable suggestions for venting frustration. and belive it or not just shutting them up in their room and giving them some down time works wonders. even for toddlers. my daughter has been sent to her room since she was 15 months. she couldn't come out until she was quiet for at least the time it took to go over and open the door. she's very stubborn and time outs haven't worked well with her either because someone's still paying attention. even if they have an amusement park in their room being sent there away from people paying attention to their negative behavior is enough to teach them what you expect from them. plus kids need alot more down time alone than most people expect. 5 minutes here and there throughout the day helps them process their emotions and be prepared for more.

[casdac]

One simple word: REDIRECT. Show the toddler what you want him to do. Show him what makes you happy. When you see him doing that--PRAISE HIM.