can my ex get access?

[hayley1973]

i was with a man 5 years ago and we had a daughter now 4, he left when i was pregnant. he pays maintenance thru CSA since she was 8months old. but he has never asked to see her until now!! problem is she has a stepdad now who she thinks is her daddy!! we got together when she was a baby. the birth father has done nothing for my daughter at all. he blames ame as the reason he didnt see her, but i got fed up of ringing or texting him and him hanging up all the time!! his name isnt on birth certificate. how do i stand cos he's going to a solicitor for access/custody!! he thought i wud just send her to stay with him and his partner, even tho she has no idea who he is!! i will tell her when she is older who her real dad is but i think she's too young now. just wanna know where i stand with law and not allowing him access. i have tried to be reasonable giving him several oppurtunities to meet up with her, just as him being a friend but he keeps saying no.help!!!

[flip_flop]

If my understanding is correct from a friend in a reasonably similar situation, all the time you are taking his money through the CSA you are obliged to provide him with access - which, if my understanding is correct, is only fair: irrespective of the rights and wrongs of his earlier refusal/reluctance to see his daughter, the fact fact of the matter is that he now does, and as he has been paying for her, morally at least, he should be entitled to access (I don't think you can have it both ways - i.e, refusing access and taking his money).

[Ethel]

Paying maintenance does not entitle him to see the child - he is not buying contact.

He could apply to the court and they will consider one thing only - the best interest of the child.

As he has never seen her, the court would not consider it in the child's best interest to discover the man she calls 'daddy' isn't and order unsupervised contact with a stranger.

There is a possibility the court could order supervised access - visiting her in your home or a public place for an hour or so with you present, but I really can't see this happening realistically.

[flip_flop]

So it would appear legally - I would always bow to Ethel's far superior legal knowledge than my meagre offerings - you are in the clear.

Morally however......................................................................

[eltelioni]

I agree with flip-flop. Regardless of what the law says, you should stop taking his money if you don't want him to have contact.

[redcrx]

you refuse to tell your daughter who her dad is? so why are you taking his money when you are in a family unit with someone else.
Legally it may well be right that he pays his way, but Im with the others, morally perhaps you should be able to offer him a chance to be her dad and meet up and get to know her

[Ethel]

If anyone with a child and not living with the father is on benefits, there is no option but to tell the CSA who the father is, so the government can recoup some of the costs of raising that child.
Even when the situation changes and the mother comes off benefits, the CSA will expect the father to continue to contribute and will actively chase the money.

We don't know the circumstances and shouldn't judge. If he has refused to see the child in the four years since her birth and there has been no indication that he may, at some point in the future, change his mind - should the mother tell a toddler her father is x and she hasn't seen him because he doesn't want to meet her?

As I said in my first answer - the courts will not give any consideration to what the mother or the biological father wants. It will consider only the best interests of the child and that may include some form of contact. The court may also decide that the child is settled in a family life, is happy and will not benefit at all from contact at the moment.

To expect a four year old girl to go and stay with a couple of strangers is a nonsense and that will not happen. He is not going to get custody, unless you as the mother are seriously neglecting the child, or putting her in danger and there is no other family member to care for her.

Your partner could consider adopting your daughter. You do not need to be married. As her biological father has no parental responsibility, you were never married to him and his name is not on the birth certificate - you don't not need his consent. However, this is not something to be done lightly and will need a lot of consideration by all of you.

http://www.adoption.org.uk/information/step_ad option.html

[gina32]

i know someone who was/is in a similiar situation, the court decided to have a cafcas officer in on the case and for her to do reports on the child and the parents, it was decided that the father should have access but to start he could only see the child for an hour once a week in a supervised place( a church hall, along with others in the same situation) and then slowly build the time up, they have been back to court several times as he often makes excuses not to see the child or changes the agrreement with little notice. good luck

[hayley1973]

i never stopped him from seeing her just he never contacted me to see her. i then got on with my life. i was on income support when we split so had to inform CSA. now i work so not bothered about his money. i want my partner to adopt her but spoke to a lady who's doing my will. she said my partner cannot adopt her without her birth fathers consent as he is paying for her. not out to grab his money and run. i always wanted contact between them but he never bothered. anyone in my situation will tell you, you can only try so much. when she is old enough to understand she will be informed who her real father is and given the chance to meet him. never set out to sound like a bad person on here. just want to do the right thing, morally and 4 my daughters welfare.

[Mrs_Pegasus]

I would advise you read this

http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/preg/preg_dad06.a sp

Since 2003 an unmarried father can get rights which before didnt exist. He can even add his name to the birth certificate and he can go for parental responsibility.

I am of f the mind that morally you have taken his money and he has a right to see his child but agree this should be very supervised. I feel for your partner because I am now with a man who has lived with my daughter longer than her natural father but the fact remains he is not her father and I take maintenance off her natural father and therefore I allow access.

Good luck and please keep an open mind. Your daughter will make her own mind up in time but never come between them because it will have a tendancy to come back and bite you if you mislead her at whatever age.

[hayley1973]

i also would like to point out my current partner and i do not live together.