My son

[Linda51]

Our son who is 24 is working in Korea teaching, we are due to go amd visit him in a few weeks, but the other day I was sorting out the wardrobe and found a book he had been writing in and he had written some really horrible stuff about his dad saying he had never been a proper dad and just bought him toys and took him on holiday but he had never been there for him. I wouldn't tell my husband as we have always thought we have been good parents, our daughter who also read it was disgusted. I've sent him an e mail asking him about it but he hasn't replied. What dio you think?

[xxlizziexx]

to be honest i can understand why he hasnt replied if he has read the email. its his personal book. ive got a diary and i write alot of things aobut my brothers and parents that i mean but you go over the top. he properly was a teenager then and they can get anoyed with parents easily. he might just have gone through a hard time. im sure you are and always have been good parents, yuo sound like it to be concerned about what he wrote. but if he doesnt reply then just leave it. try and see it from hist point of view. you might start something happening like a masive fight etc. im sorry if this hast been any use.

[jills]

If I were him I'd be annoyed that you read what was clearly meant to be private. And as for letting his sister read it, that was so wrong. I think you owe him an apology for your actions. You should also ask his sister to keep this to herself and not mention it to him. That said, you cannot now forget what you have read, so it should be dealt with so you can all move on. I hope your e-mail was not overtly hostile, or written in a confrontational manner. Is it possible for you to phone him and discuss this? maybe even let him know by e-mail that you intend to phone at a cetrain time for a chat? (when his Dad is out perhaps? tho the time difference may make this difficult). In a phone call, unlike e-mail, questions can be asked and answered quickly, and this may calm many of your concerns eg he may well have been young when he wrote this. perhaps he'd just had a fight with his dad and this was his way of venting. Could there be any aspect of his words which were true, even to a very minor extent? I hope you can sort this out before it becomes a very major issue.

[Lindy Loo]

I'll agee with the answers that been posted but add this.. My mum used to go down my things and found a lot of personal stuff that I had put away (I was 18 then). I hated her for it and didn't trust her for years. I never told her anything after that and if anything made me even more secretive than I already was. Now nearly 50 (what a horrid thought!!) it still hurts and angers sometimes that she could have done it, and when she comes to visit everything personal is put out of sight, prefering her not to be alone in the house. Please try to contact your son and sort this out soon or it may get out of proportion.

[WoWo]

I feel the same way about my father, my sister and him have a great relationship but she and I never discuss my relationship with him as both of us know we have very different opinions. Your sons relationship with his father is his buisness and none of yours. It all depends on what you consider being good parents, my father always provided a home and food but being a good parent is much more than that. I once found my fathers diary, as soon as I realised what it was I put it back in the place I found it (it was on a shelf with other books so I wasn't snooping) it was none of my buisness and obviously written to be read by him only. There may have been just a few key events in your son's life where you were not present that have effected his view of his father. One final thought and I'm not putting words into your mouth but I'm sure there are times you have been angry with your children and had negative thoughts, lets say you had written them down in a book to get them out of your head and move on. Then years later your son finds the book and reads the words you have written, ones that you yourself have forgotten long ago.

[georgit79]

I completely agree- it was confidential, and you shouldn't have read it in the first place. That said, curiosity would get the better of anyone in that kind of situation, and I'm sure not many would have been able to resist a peek. However, your son is obviously hurt that you've read it, and also probably hurt that you feel it only merits being discussed by email. Could there be any nuggets of truth in what he wrote? Could you really have known everything that was going on? Maybe your husband did treat your son 'coldly'. This is entirely possible, as fathers often do not really know how to deal emotionally with their offspring. I think the worst part of this is that after having read this private diary yourself, you felt you could show it to your daughter. This was wrong, as she is obviously going to hold it against her brother, and you may just have opened another can of worms. You should talk to your son, find out if he's still smarting, and try and persuade him to talk to his dad about his feelings. You never know, it could have all blown over by now.

[andy hughes]

This needs to be left until you can sit down with your son and talk it over. he is probably embarassed that you have read his writings - and yes, they are private, but you;ve obviously grasped the gist of that from previous replies. Talk to your son, and make sure everything is OK now, and then put this behnd you. This writing has been in his room for how ever long, the only difference is, you now know about it. It doesn't affect your son's love for you both, or yours for him - it's just an unfortunate circomstance, and taling it through will reach an ending for you both.

[bluedolphin]

He is only 24 and perhaps when he sees the living conditions in Korea he will realize how good he had it at home....Let him go for a while and get a taste of the world without Mum and Dad to take digs at..... Korea is the place for him to grow up and appreciate family...

[Casey]

As no one on this site has read what your son has wrote, we do not know how bad it really was. And when did he write it? You say he is 24 but is the book years old? Anyway, it is not a very nice thing to do regardless, and it is certainly something which you wouldn't leave for anyone to find. I disagree with a lot of replies, your son does not live at home anymore so you have every right to sort out cupboards etc in your own house. My sister has moved out and me and my mum ransacked her old room of what she left behind, and read just about everything in the cupboards to see if to throw it away or not. It is something you need to talk to him about and see if he has left all what he said behind in the past, although I do understand this is difficult with him not replying to your email. Maybe think of another one to send him later in the week if he still hasn't replied, as I am sure he will have to write back soon. Good luck

[becks]

I agree with georgit and am surprised that no one else has picked up on it - it's bad enough that you read it but to show it to your daughter is unbelievable - what on earth was that going to achieve? You don't say how long it has been there for and maybe you don't even know. And I also think it's a shame that you felt you had to email him about it, you should have left it quietly talked to him on his own when you visited him. I also think you may be disillusioned with your husband - maybe you don't know the full story and maybe he was treated differently - hence why his sister would feel do different. However you will now never know how your son feels, or what happened to make him feel this as i should think your son feels rather disinclined to talk to you about it. I'm almost 24 and with my parents divorce i have come to realise some things about my dad, i would be horrified if anyone else knew those things, whether written down or not these were private thoughts that your son though would be just that - private.

[Casey]

Sorry, I meant to say it is certainly not something you 'would' leave for anyone to find. In other words, he should keep his personal things with him, not in his parents house across the other side of the world where someone is bound to find it.

[Casey]

Maybe her daughter read it out of choice, we have no idea how old she is.. you are all referring to her as being a child!! Think about it, an upset mother needs someone to talk to.. an 'adult' daughter is the answer! My mum talks to me all the time about personal problems!

[Casey]

And also, I understand why you would want to sort things out with him now, you wouldn't want to start bringing it up during your visit or it may cause problems whilst you are over there.

[Casey]

Oh and georgit, did it ever occur to you that 'email' is the only way for Linda to contact her son?? Don't judge someone when you don't know the entire story! If this thing was meant to be private, he should have taken it along with him.

[georgit79]

Yes, that did 'occur' to me, thanks very much, Casey. But honestly, did it ever occur to you that we live in the 21st century? It's always possible to contact someone properly if it's that important.

[georgit79]

Anyway, why are we attacking each other here? Linda51 has asked us for our opinions, and we're all entitled to our own. I've not condemned anything you've said...although I did assume that Linda51's daughter is grown-up, which I don't think excuses things at all.

[Casey]

Of course it does, anyway that is my opinion. I talk to my mum about everything and I expect other mums chat to their daughters about this type of thing too. And so what if it's the 21st century..its Korea for god sake!! It makes communicating just that little bit more difficult!

[georgit79]

Ok Casey, I'll admit that I was being a bit silly about the whole Korea email thing, but I still think that the worst part of this is talking about it with the daughter. I'm 24 and really close to my mum, but quite frankly would feel uncomfortable if she tried to share something with me about one of my brothers that was obviously meant to be secret. Let's just agree to disagree on this one! Anyway, I'm sure our little argument isn't helping matters- might be providing some entertainment, though! Is any of this (probably not my input) helping at all, Linda51?

[Casey]

No i'm not arguing, sorry if it seemed like I was. Obviously you are different with your mum as I am with mine and Linda51 and her daughter. I am sure her daughter was just lending a helping hand, all I meant to say was it's not fair to hold it against Linda51 the fact that her daughter saw it, it's not like she would have forced it upon her, in my opinion they obviously have a close relationship!

[Peppermint]

Linda51, Dont worry, contact your son, apologise to him, tell him you love him and cant wait to see him soon - forget the book and dont mention it until he brings up the subject first. Have a wonderful time in Korea - being with your loved ones.

[MiloTheGreat]

24, I remember being 24, I can honestly say, I didn't have many nice things to say about anyone. FORGIVE HIM, it could just be a snapshot. I sure he felt alot better after writing them down. Talk to him.