Help! Is my mum being too harsh???

[sochi]

I am 14 and have recently tried about 5-10 cigarettes, my mum found out about this because she found an empty cigarette box in my draw. she says im at least grounded until im 15 which is in the middle of january!! To me that is going too far and all we ever do is argue about it and fall out. she isnt a good role model to me as she smokes 40 a day and started smoking from the age of 15. I had already learned my lesson about smoking before she found the box in my draw and seems to think the longer i am grounded, the more i will learn!!!??? If they are any parents out there to help me or just tell me what they would do in this situation please tell. Thank you very much,

[Fat Boy]

I aint a parent but mate, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. first off 3 months aint very long. second just cos you say you learnt your lesson doesn't mean you should be let off your punishment. and exactly what lesson do you claimed to have learnt? and on which fag did you learn this lesson. I bet it was the last one before you were caught. ooh what a coincidence. your mum aint a good role model but shes a good example of why its stupid to smoke.

[zgma]

Well, I would say that grounding you isn't the way to teach you the lesson she wants you to learn, which is that smoking is bad for you... what it seems to be teaching you instead is that she's acting in a hypocritical way. However, my guess is that she wishes she could quit, and she's overreacting because she: 1) feels really bad that she isn't a good role model for you about smoking; 2) feels somewhat responsible for your experiment with smoking; 3) feels panicked that you may become a smoker; and 4) is at a loss for how to teach you that smoking is bad, because she can't really point to herself, can she? So what I think you should do is go to her, and reassure her that you won't become a smoker (you won't, will you? Because it really is terrible for you, and since you are not addicted and really have a choice in front of you about which way to go, here's your opportunity to make a good choice for yourself). (continued next message)

[zgma]

Also, if you think the reasons above make sense about why your mother has overreacted, tell her you understand why she wants to ground you for so long, but that you don't think it's the right way to teach you this lesson. Suggest other ways instead (that incidentally may help her decide to quit) - do research together on what nicotine does to you, what the tar does to your lungs, what other health problems arise from smoking. And you may also suggest that she shorten the grounding to something reasonable, like a few weeks. Just reassure her (if you can do it honestly!) that you won't start smoking. Even a few cigarrettes here and there. A few here and there led me to a few more here and there, which led me to be A Smoker. (I've since quit, but it's much harder once you've got the habit). I think what she wants is to know that you won't do what she's done here.

[xxlizziexx]

i personaly would say that she has grounded you for so long beacuse she nos that she got addicted and she doesnt want you to get addicted. the same with my mum just she never found out. im sure that soon enough she will come to terms with what she thinks is the best to do and will proberly un ground you or wont ground you for so long. put urself in her shoes, pretend you were a mother and yourc hild that you love has done that, what do you think you would do? hope this helps xx :)

[nrmatth]

i agree with xxlizziexx. she probably will shorten it. but use this time to understand her side of it. your mom's only human, and just like you she gets scared when she sees someone she loves hurting herself. besides 5-10 cigarettes isn't really a small number. you have done it a little more than your average "trying it". so decide whether your going to continue succumbing to peer pressure trying to "look cool" or whether your going to get a backbone and kick this nasty habit of "just trying it". Then realize your in for the long haul, serve your time, and if you cooperate maybe you'll get early release for good behavior.

[Laura-sakura]

It's rubbish. Same thing happened to me when I was your age, im now 22. Both my parents smoke and I totally blame them for that. We're all going to die of cancer. Your mum can't tell you to stop smoking and smoke. Tell her that from me. If my mum hadn't had a fag hanging out of her mouth whilst scolding me I wouldn't be smoking today. Please don't take it up, it's disgusting and not cool. Good luck mate.

[Lindy Loo]

I smoke and starting this habit the worst I've ever done, I'm addicted to the nicotine. Not only are there the health risks, but you never have any money, your clothes and hair stink...Plus it is very hard to give up once you've started...believe me I've tried. Maybe your mum reacted this way because she doesn't want you to make the same mistake she did. Also Sochi, as you've posted elsewhere on the site about the affect of alchol and drugs, as a parent myself, I'd be very concerned about the things you may be getting into. Think very carefully about what you're doing as you sound very intelligent and it would e as shame to ruin your life at such a young age. Take care

[crazyvicky]

Hi, I am 16 and a couple of years ago i was in the same situation as you. You say that you always argue and fall out. Try sitting down and talking to your mum about in in a more mature way and say to yourself "this will not end in an arguement". Try and explain that everybody tries smoking at sometime and reassure her that it wont become a habit. Hopefully, doing it this way will make her see that you are more adult than she thinks you are by not argueing everytime the subject is raised. You could alway come to a comprimise such as the grounding could be lessened or could you be allowed out only a few times per week?? Hope everything works out for you!

[sochi]

Hi lindyloo, thanx for all ur comments on my messages cos u sort os seem to be obsessed with reading them, even tho i rite messages on alcohol, drugs and fags doesnt mean i do it, im just trying to find answers (also i am bored)so dont worry, i dont smoke get drunk or take drugs but theres no harm in asking questions.xxx

[sochi]

thanx laura-sakuru and crazy vicky for ur comments, u r the only two that seem to understand wot im goin through.x

[Shadow]

First of all Sochi, you really like to try things!! First about alcohol I saw and now ciggaretes! LOL! Second she is going too harsh, I ain't a parent but remeber this: Double standards! Why should you be punished, you get the idea of smoking of her, then she used to smoke at 15 years old, your roughly the same age. You deserve to be punished but not this harsh, plus she gotta remeber that she used to do this aswell. Plus:(The more grounded you are won't help. Start acting so annoying she won't even want you in the house. When she says why are u doing this? Say you turning half crazy living indoors for a whole consecutive year! I'm getting sick without some air and if I don't get out soon, I'll be so mad I'm gonna chew on the pillows!!!!!!! (Or something like that)) Happens to my friend, he gets grounded but keeps on acting bored and complaining and annoying that his mam let's him out! Try it and mabye your ma might go nuts too!!

[Lindy Loo]

Hi sochi, no I'm not 'obsessed' with reading your posts, just helping, as I have 2 older teenage sons myself, so we have been through some of these issues. There is nothing wrong finding out information and it's to be commended, but I was misled by the wording of the other posts. (Sorry if you thought I was chasing you round the site) Despite what you may think, I do understand that's it's tough being a teenager...parents were teenagers once so we had similar problems ourselves!! It's also tough being a parent, as there are no books to help us..we just do our best!! Take care

[georgit79]

I think your mum is overreacting, but it's probably because she feels bad that her addiction has seemingly finally rubbed off on you. Being strict with you takes the pressure off her. Explain to her that her habit upsets you, and that she is being very hypocritical as she still smokes a lot, everyday. Promise her that you don't like smoking, and she has put you off for life. Tell her you don't like the smell or the taste, and that you only tried them to see what all the fuss was about. Finally, explain that you know that she is trying to do what is best for you, but you already know. This is all you can do. If she stands firm with the grounding, then I'd have a real go at her if I were you. She has no right to be a hypocrite. She knows she is being a hypocrite, by the way. She's only doing this because she wishes she could quit smoking. She can, with your help!

[sochi]

shadow,just because ive written about getting drunk doent mean i have been! lol and lindy loo i didnt mean for my message to sound harsh i just suppose im a bit angry causse i have done sum stupid things and you and other people are giving good advice and to me at first it sounded like everyone was having a go teling me how stupid i have been.xx

[Robin11]

Have you tried cannabis? It's much better for your lungs than fags (so long as you smoke it pure). All your friends will think you're cool too :)

[sochi]

lol how old r u robin and by the way i havent tried weed, but im goin to a party on the weekend and i gonna smoke duby then, i dont smoke fags n e more lol

[2nosey]

how are you you gonna go to a party if your grounded?

[Robin11]

I suggest you go out side and steal a car immediately. ...then at least your mum has a good reason to ground you

[2nosey]

if you want yellow teeth and nails, wrinkles when you get to 20+ and smellllllly breath i recomend smoking. i bet anyone who is addicted regrets they ever set thier eyes on the stuff. i know you say you learnt your lesson but it doesn't mean you won't smoke. i know i sound like a mother but i'm not i'm only 18. you should be more objective when listening to your mum 9 times out of 10 she'll be right.

[sochi]

i dont get wot u mean by stealing a car