Abusive and wayward teen daughter

[ritac1]

My daughter is just 17 years old and has recently become very abusive towards me.  To cut a long story short - she started staying out at night, her friend has contacted me because she is worried about her behaviour.  She is now sexually active and from what I can gather making herself too 'available' and behaving in an indecent manner sometimes when she is out in pubs and night clubs.  I have tried to talk to her and explain why behaving this way is not good and also very dangerous.  She wont listen, calls me stupid, swears at me and says she would like to kill me.  She is going to move out into a flat as soon as she can get one.

Her father and I are seperated and have been for some time and I realise this may have lots to do with her behaviour.  I also have three other children twins aged 10 and a 16 year old.  I love my daughter and understand that her behaviour is probably the effect of her unhappiness but she just will not talk rationally with me, she wont listen at all.  Right now I dont want her in the house, I want her to move out as soon as possible (even though I know she isnt mature enough really!).  Everyone in the house is miserable and the fact that she clearly has no respect for me makes it impossible for me to live happily with her.   I have never mistreated them or dis-respected them, I have only done what is best for them.  They have always known that respect is paramount in a family but all this seems to matter no more to my daughter.  I am considering moving all her belongings to her fathers house and telling her she cannot return here until her attitude changes, he agrees that this is okay with him, at least for the interim period until she has somewhere else to live.  She has said she doesnt want to live with either parent.  I could continue all night! What on earth should I do?

 

[georgit79]

Phew!

Speaking as someone with a 17-year-old sister, I know what those crazy mood swings can be like, but this sounds like it has really got out of hand. Your daughter is going through a kind of breakdown and needs one of two things: professional help, or a huge reality check.

You say that you think the fact you and your husband are separated has something to do with your daughter's behaviour. Yes, it most certainly does, but this cannot be used as the scapegoat in your daughter's behaviour. She is now old enough to know her own mind and she is 'an adult', so should know when she is being completely unreasonable, as seems to be the case here.

It is a really good thing that her friends have recognised that she is in trouble too...they are probably the ones who are going to be able to get through to her at the moment. You should arrange a little 'meeting' with your daughter, her father and the friend who contacted you. 

 

I really don't know if I'm being much help- I can remember what it felt like for me when my parent's split and I felt like my life was spiralling out of control, but I think I just dealt with it. Your daughter has to open up and let you in, but I don't know the key!

[wonky]

Hi first of all bless you, stay strong i can only imagine what you must be going through!!

If i was in your shoes i would either contact social services (depending how close she is to 18) if she is very nearly 18 i would contact the local coucil and say she is homeless, they will provide her with accommodation until moving her into her own accommodation, i know it sounds harsh but she sounds like she isnt respecting you like she should be so i would take drastic measures into shocking her into the real world a few weeks or months trying to live should sort her out.

 

Im sure someone will not agree with my answer but that is what i would do. good luck and try not to let it get you to down, (if you can) take your other kids out have a great day just you and your other three children if your down your children will be down having a full day away from all your problems will do u and the kids the world of good it will also help you to look at the situation in a different light!!

 

x x

[beagle]

As it's already been said, stay strong!

I don't know for how long you and your husband have been seperated for but I do think in a round-about way it does have something to do with it. Was there a sudden onset of that kind of behaviour? Does she sleep? How is she at school? Maybe a word with her teacher wouldn't hurt. I hate to say it but I'm getting the feeling she might be taking something. Maybe some party drugs or even worse. I think that in this case a raid of her room is appropiate (while she's out). If it's a false alarm, she never need to be the wiser for it. I really would put my focus on her overall health. Coughing, runny nose, rings under her eyes, extreme moodiness, fidgety can all be signs of drug abuse.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[ritac1]

Thankyou everybody for being so supportive and helpful.  It really does make a difference when you feel someone cares enough, even they dont know you, to take the time to respond.

Things have escalated now and yesterday evening she attacked me and to cut a long story, once again, her father came along and persuaded her to go home with him for the time being.

I am now concentrating on getting myself feeling okay again for the sake of my three other kids.  Thanks again everyone.

[beagle]

Might be a very good idea that she is with her father for now. It will give you both some breathing space and hopefully a chance to work through your differences.

Please keep us updated if that isn't too nosy.

[ritac1]

She has gone now.  We didnt know where she went.  Reported her to police as missing.  Police managed to speak to her on her mobile.  She is now living with a 21 yr old male who she just met 2 weeks ago.  The police are satisfied she is in 'no danger' and are not obliged to tell us where she is since she is 17 years old.  Maybe I need to start praying - thanks for your support everyone.

[2nosey]

i feel really sorry for you! you probably think this too is harsh but stay away from her! you need a really long break no one should have to go through that least of all a mother who sounds so loving and caring.

when she comes to her senses she will probably come back and realise that you were right. your her mother and she will miss you no matter what.

hope everything works out for you! best of luck x x x  

[link2]

The only thing you can "do" for your older daughter is pray for her as she sorts herself out.  Right now, take the time to focus on and feel blessed by your other three children.  They are probably feeling as scared and helpless as you are.  Let them see you going about the daily grind while having hope for tomorrow.  God bless and prayers for you and your family.

[xxlizziexx]

i just wanted to say im really sorry to hear all about yur daughter. i hope this gets sorted out. xx

[kyflower_86]

I was like that and dont ever turn away from her because my real mom turned away from me and my real dad stood by me and now i hate my real mom and i have a husband who will never let me forget what i have done when i was young but now i am 18 and i am trying to forgive my mom but she should have never turned me away.

[richfo]

My sister has suffered the same fate. Her ex husband upped and left just before my niece's fourth Christmas & took the present money too. He was a real ****. My niece is now 18 and is pregnant with her second child. The first one is virtually being brought up by my sister. The main problem for my sister was that she felt so guilty about the marriage failure that she doted on the girl. There was little discipline and the child was allowed to set the rules, and was ruined. I am afraid the road back is very hard and sometimes doesnt happen at all. Raising a child is like firing a bullet from a snipers rifle, one minute movement with the gun means you can miss the target by miles. So even when still a baby the smallest things you do will make a huge difference when they are older. I am a second time around dad, I am mega proud of my two daughters by my first marriage. And So far they are decent human beings with a reasonable education and good jobs etc. My two boys are just 3 & 6, I hope I have learned a lot from my first try at parenting. My only fear is that it seems a fine line that you walk, on one hand you want your kids to grow up nice but they have to be tough in todays world. I wish you luck and really feel for you