Stroppy 7yr old step-daughter

[Ermieox]

My partner has recently divorced and has two children (7 and 3) who live with his ex-wife. He sees them every other weekend and whilst the youngest is an absolute dreamboat, the eldest is sulky, argumentative, rude and stroppy whenever she is with us. I have a son of a similar age but have never seen such behaviour from him.
I appreciate that her parents divorce has been a very stressful time for her but they split some 18mths ago and I have been seeing her father now for 8 months.

Is this something she will grow out of or should her father speak to her about it? I've tried pretty much every trick in the book and she just doesn't want to know. The problem is that I end up reprimanding my sons behaviour more when we are out together but don't feel it's my position to tell her how to behave.

It's got to a point where I've told my partner to have time alone with the girls rather than involving us all as a family because I don't want my son to suffer because of her attitude.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

[andy-hughes]

This is a familiar situation, and so is the result.

You need to get your partner on side with you, and agree a future plan of action.

Have a serious talk with him about the situation, and what you are both going to do about it.

Rule One is - singing from the same hymn sheet. If you try and discipline this child - even in the sense of saying 'No', her immediate reaction will be to go to her dad. he MUST back you up at all times, even if he thinks you are in the wrong, and you can discuss it afterwards out of the children's hearing. This is standard behaviour, all kids do it, it's just more frought with step-children, but you have to be united, or she will play you off against each other.

Try and encourage her to bond with you - do 'girly' things together, shopping, DVD's and so on, and try to make she has some individual attention from you. This will overcome jealousy for your son who obviously has your main attention. It's a balancing act, but it can be done if you are strictly fair about it.

Make sure all the children have the same rules about behaviour, and they are enforced with scrupulous fairness. Of course you over-compensate with your son, and that will make him unhappy and confised as well.

Children respond to firm guideleines and good routines - put them in place for al of them, and things will improve.

It can be done, but it takes patience, and support from both of you, for each other.

Good luck.

[Ermieox]

Thanks Andy. I sort of assumed it would be a fairly common-place problem for people in my situation. I did wonder at first if the mother was stirring things but as time goes on I think it is simply that his daughter doesn't like sharing her limited time with her dad with anyone else (including her sister!) Obviously in the long-run this is going to have to be resolved otherwise the weekends when they are with us will be a complete nightmare. He is (in my opinion) far too soft with her and lets her get away with blue-murder - which is understandable when he only sees her every other week - but for the sake of all of our sanities he is going to have to agree some groundrules with me and we will have to work together!
Thanks again.

[WiseOldSage]

I think the person I feel for the most is your son - as much as your partner's children have suffered with a divorce your son potentially will suffer if you don't make some ground rules.

I suppose sometimes it's easy to say that the girls are coming for the weekend and bedtimes will be relaxed a little or whatever but bad behaviour has to be dealt with across the board.

My ex husband used to be terrified of upsetting his kids because of the issues he had seeing them - he didn't want them to go running back to their Mums with tales if he told them off. I had to tell his son off when he spat in my dinner in a cafe!

It's easy to chastise your son for little stuff to draw attention to your partner's daughter's even worse behaviour if that makes sense. That being the case HE may resent them being there too and you really will have a split.

Perhaps she plays up just because she wants her Dad's attention and doesn't like sharing him. The younger one is a bit younger and probably doesn't know any better.

If it won't cause any friction with you two (and that relationship is important too!) let them have a swimming afternoon or something and spend some quality time with your son.

It's a battle - I've been there. But all children are equal in this game in my book.

[divadobs]

Hi

Having read the above, I am in agreement with what is being said but I would also suggest that you need to bear in mind how his daughter is feeling. There may be reasons as to why she is acting this way (besides being her age) ie is she upset about her parents splitting? Does she hope for a reconciliation albeit how impossible it will be? Does she see her little brother getting all the cuddles because he is so good and is accepting of everything? She is only 7 - still a child and her parents are no longer together. Please don't be offended but you have been on the scene 8 months so she is likely to be reluctant to be part of your life with her father; it is all new to her - particularly as she may feel it being disloyal to her mother.
I agree her behaviour should not be tolerated but at the same time it seems to me that there may be an underlying reason why she is being the way she is and, depending on how things are between her mum and ur partner (her dad), perhaps he can get his ex to speak to her or perhaps, better still, they both speak to her together to see what is really wrong.