Boyfriend's ex is having his baby against his will

[pollypower]

My boyfriend and his ex had a one night stand after they had been separated for a long time. She got pregnant. He told her there was no chance he would get back with her, he didn't want a child with her and she decided to go ahead and have the baby anyway.
She has hasselled him and me throughout.
My boyfriend will not be putting his name on the birth certificate, or be attending the birth. He does not want any contact with the child. He will pay maintainance for the child after a DNA test proves the child is his.
The mother of the baby is not happy about this, she wants him to be in the childs life and hers. The baby is due in the next couple of weeks.
What can my boyfriend do to make all of the above clear to her? Legally is there something he should be doing right now?

[ummmm]

He should have put something on the end of it then.

[4getmenot]

Sorry but he made that baby with her. He doesnt have to be with the mother at all. It is nothing to do with her but he should be man enough to admit he has a child and be there more than just to pay some bills. The child needs a father!!. My mate got with someone when his ex was pregnant but they now have more children and the other child will always be part of their lives and rightly so. How do you think that child will feel when it grows up and is told daddy didnt want to know coz he got a new girlfriend.

[Sqad]

ummmm....good morning my love.

If we all do what we should have in life, then it would be a very simple and perhaps boring life.

Might I put a scenario to you:........you casually meet a girl, have a drink, good conversation and she looks and smells divine......low cut blouse, nicely shaped breasts and you go for a meal and a bottle of wine. You get on well good conversation and she invites you around for coffee to her "place." Warm, cosy, she takes her shoes off........need I go on........you haven't got a condom with you, so what would the majority of men do?

See what I mean?

[ummmm]

I agree Sqad....but then you have to live with the consequences and the responsibility.

[Sqad]

ummmm.....indeed.....we have all made mistakes in our lives......and that includes the impeccable sqad :-)

[ummmm]

Lol......

Still...it's not the childs fault.

[funnygirl]

If this was my boyfriend, I would think more of him if he played a part in the child's life.

[4getmenot]

seems to me she wants him to keep away

[ummmm]

If this was my BF I'd dump him with an attitude like that.

[4getmenot]

me too ummmm

[pingping]

my brother-in-law has found himself in a similar position to your boyfriend. he was in a volatile relationship with a girl and they were on/off all the time. during one of the ‘on’ times she got pregnant. he suggested they abort as they obviously were not in a stable relationship but she refused. They broke up again twice during the pregnancy, but he kept going back as he didn't want to abandon his as yet unborn child.

Once the baby was born he stuck it out for another 6 months with her hurling the most horrific abuse (verbal and physical at him) on a daily basis. he eventually said enough was enough and broke up for good. She moved out (she had moved into his flat when pregnant) and has now found her own place but he pays maintenance and tries to get access to the baby weekly.

She now calls and texts him dozens of times a day hurling abuse, refuses to let him see the baby, uses the baby as a pawn e.g. he’s ill, you have to come over immediately. When he gets there, there is nothing wrong and she just stands and screams at him. She has damaged his car, called his employers and pretended he is harassing her (the list goes on and on). He is now a broken man and we don’t know what we can do to help him.

If I was to offer advice, I would suggest that he pays maintenance and doesn’t try to establish a relationship with the baby if his ex is anything like the ex girlfriend I have mentioned above you and your boyfriend could be in for a nightmare. While it is a shame for any child to grow up without both parents present in their lives, sometimes for the sake of each person (including the child who I shudder to think can hear his mother screaming and swearing at his father) it is better to cut ties.

Good luck!

[k8bailey]

why should he ba father to the child? no-one would force a woman to be a mother, he should have a choice too, I do think it's great that he's paying though. Once his descision is made, he should stick to it and not change his mind in a few years.

[pollypower]

wow! big thanks to you all for your opinions, I didn't get the exact answers I was originally looking for regarding the legalities but a solicitor will be involved now so my boyfriend will be given advice on how to proceed with his wishes.

Personally, I know I would rather not have a father in my life that never wanted me, I certainly wouldn't want to find out I was brought into the world to be used as part of a sick game so my mother could try to get back with my father. I am sure the child will have male role models in it's life to follow and learn from, I don't see any benefit in the biological father being involved in this case.

I respect my boyfriend's wishes and I think he's making a very brave decision, but for the record I would have supported him either way.

I do think it's sad that there is a general trend to respect a mother's choice to reject motherhood by giving a baby up for adoption or terminating a pregnancy but fathers are not respected for making the same kind of decisions - instead they are berated and accused of neglecting their responsibilities, what happened to equality? Why can't a father choose, in the same way a mother can, whether he wants the role or not?

thanks again for all your answers everyone

polly