conflict of intrest

[sallyg-65]

My stepson is 15yrs old & has lived with myself & his father fulltime for the past 6 yrs. I have known him since his father & I have been together which has been the past 10yrs. My stepson has always had a problem with authority & continues to do things that he knows are wrong over & over again. He also does the same at school. When he does the wrong thing his father will yell & swear at him & make threats that my stepson is very aware will never be carried out. I feel that My stepson is not affraid of being yelled at & has nothing to worry about because the treats are unrealistic so the bad behaviour continues. If I make a rule & the rule is broken then I explain that there will be a consequence such as being grounded or having something that he feels is important to him taken away for a period of time. When I explain this to my stepson in my partner's presence. My partner will will agree with me. But, once my stepson break & I tell him that he now has to face the consequence my partner will override my decision. He will not wait to discuss this with me at a convenient time but, rather right there infront of his son. We then end up in an argument & My decision is always dismissed. This has been happening regularly since he came to live with us & so my stepson sees no reason to change his behaviour. It has now come to the point where my partner becomes very angry with me & says very hurtful things because he feels that I am being too hard on his son. It has become very clear to me that my stepson has no respect for me or anything I say because he knows that his father will defend him & wont support me. He knows this because his father is yelling at me where his son can hear him.My partner will continually yell out that I hate his son, which in the beginning was a rediculous statement however after all this time I would have to say. I really do not like my stepson.

[dothawkes31]

I would now step back and let your stepson make a more serious mistake that will perhaps give him a short sharp shock and hopefully get the mesage through his thick skull that we are responsible for our own mistakes, hopefully then your partner and the stepson will both grow up and learn their lesson the hard way , actually somehow i doubt it. But you've done your best, they both need to get on with it and stop trying to undermine you. Don't get involved any more, you're efforts are wasted.

[scotman]

Seems to me that it is time for you to move on and leave these two to get on with their own lives.

[tamborine]

get involved with a partner & baggage - you carry the baggage

[andy-hughes]

As a parent to two step children, my partner - now wife - and i agreed from the start to back each other in front of them, and sort out any differences out of their hearing.

This is the only way, or else any child will play one parent off against the other. It's no comfort, but the same applies to 'bioligical' offspring as well - it's what children do.

You need to have a calm talk with your husband in private. Explain that loving your son - which he effectively is - is hard enough, without the 'divide and conquer' situation you are all in - which is making all of your miserable.

Your husband feels guilty disciplining his son, and you are a convenient scapegoat - if he makes you the bad guy, his son need never think badly of his dad.

That's your husband's subconcious thinking, but it is flawed, and he will not win with it.

Teenagers need consistent boundaries, laid down and applied. It makes them feel secure, even though their instinct is to try and break through, and that's part of growing up.

You must get your husband on side, you must back each other - right or wrong, and be united. Couple that with some 'one to one' time for you and your husband, and each of you and your son, and you can forge some links instead of settling down for a war of attrition.

It takes time, but if your husband will not back you, you should seriously consider your future in this relationship.

[deannatrois]

I think it might be worthwhile going with your husband to relate and asking for help discussing what boundaries there should be for your stepson and how u both communicate with him. He needs to understand why he is reacting as he is as he obviously isn't at the moment. I can't think of another way of opening his eyes as I'm sure u've already tried talking this over with him on your own.