Moving the kids away from the area and their father.

[VikkiJRyan]

I have been separated from the father of my children (aged 10 and 8) for 18 months. I' ve been seeing a lovely new man for about 4 months and already I know that this is a very serious relationship.

We have spent time with each others children and as a family and now he has asked me to move in with him. I'm very keen to make the move, as my life will be infinitely better than it is now.

My concern is that the new home will be 80 miles away, and that the children will not only be far away from their daddy, who they see practically every day right now, but that they will also have the trauma of starting at new schools in addition to the move of location.

I have never made access to the children difficult, I have let my ex call all the shots on when he wants to spend time with them, often putting myself out to ensure he gets his way. I get no maintenance from him despite him earning 3 times what I do, and I work hard to keep the children and me in a nice home.

I feel guilty at the thought of making the move and wonder how best to put it to him that it is something that IS going to happen. I won't have to work any more, and can take the children to see him as often as he likes still (within reason considering a 4 hour round trip each time). I'm also faced with having to tell my children that this is something I really want to do even though I know they probably don't like the idea.

My head is all over the place with the enormity of what I'm doing to 3 lives in order to give myself the chance of happiness that I believe I really deserve after 4 very tough years.

Any advice from someone who has been through the same would be most gratefully received.

[swanko]

In all honesty if it was just yourself to consider I would be telling you to go off and have the life you deserve.but you have two children to consider, four months is far to soon to consider moving in together ,could you not share more time together maybe spending weekends as a family and see how you all get on.

[ummmm]

Disagree....people don't go in moods in emails....and storm out and slam doors....and threaten to slap you...etc etc. Time tells you that.

[VikkiJRyan]

DEN, yes I will be a stay at home mum, his children are teens and have full access to their own mother.

[ummmm]

Sorry....you sound deluded by a life you want.

[VikkiJRyan]

Ummm I can see where you're coming from but domestic violence can happen after 18 years together you know? Trust me on that one!

[DEN53]

I agree with Swanko - if it was just you then go for it, but your two kiddies are used to seeing their Dad frequently and this will be a big blow to them.

[cazzz1975]

I agree with ummm and swanko. If it were just you then that's one thing, when you uproot your kids for the sake of a fledgling relationship it is way way too soon

[DEN53]

Would you new chap not consider moving nearer to you ?

[ummmm]

Yes I know.....

After 4 months though? You don't know him well enough to know it will work. It's still too early. It must have been a year until my BF realised I was a total bitch in the morning. Longer for him to find out how REALLY impatient I am....longer still until he found out that I have the language of a sewer rat when I'm angry.....

Points that can break a relationship.......

I can cook though....so he forgives the above. Many wouldn't.

[VikkiJRyan]

If i were deluded by the offer being made to me then I'd just go, right now, pack our bags, get in the car and go... but read my question again and you will see that I am torn in pieces about making this choice. It's not something I'm thinking about flippantly.

[VikkiJRyan]

DEN, 2 of his boys are in their GCSE years, he can't possibly move them at this point.

[ummmm]

Leave it longer then....

[VikkiJRyan]

I definitely wouldn't go before Christmas this year... but what i need to know is how do i broach the subject with the ex and with the kids... I just don't know how to raise the subject tactfully and with consideration to them.

[DEN53]

Vikki - Both of you have your children to consider then - I would carry on with the long distance relationship for a bit longer then - if it is strong then it will last.

[DEN53]

what sort of man is your ex? - how do you think he would react ? by what you are saying it does'nt sound that he would take it very well. Oh and get some money off him - does he not contribute nothing towards the upkeep of his children ?

[ummmm]

Do it gradually.....

[trt]

Many people go and live with each other after a short time, for some it works, for some it doesn't, I would go with your heart.

Just to ask VikkiJRyan, is the property you live in now yours or rented, just asking in case things didn't work out, would you have somewhere to live?

[VikkiJRyan]

Den, he's an ex for a reason (as the saying goes!) enough said on that score.

I am working on the weekends and weeks together theory between now and the new year as a chance for us all to see how we work together. I too believe that a longish distance relationship is a test of faith in each other and the ability for something to work long term.

[VikkiJRyan]

trt, I own my owm home. I intend to rent it as and when I make the move, and in all fairness my new man made that suggestion to me as well as my thinking about it too.

[karenmac60]

I think the most important point here is how would the children feel about moving in with a man they barely know? Having a few days out is hardly the same as all living together - many men decide they know what's best for the kids and start 'disciplining' them. That doesn't always mean physically, but it can cause a lot of resentment between the kids and the adults - mum thinks she has been too soft and backs 'dad' up instead of going with her gut and protecting her kids. Even if this is not the case, it is still a lot to put onto your kids and I would wait till I knew him a lot better and for a much longer time before I was willing to change my childrens' lives so dramatically. What is it with this 'I deserve to be happy regardless of what it does to my kids' mentality some women have? Your kids' happiness must always come first, they depend completely on you and have had no control over you splitting with their dad. If he's that important and wonderful, he'll still be around further down the line.