Issue with school headmaster

[bluet]

My 12 year old son had his tie confiscated and thrown into the bin yesterday by his college head teacher because he had pulled out some of the threads and made a black "stripe" on the red tie.
We had no time last night to purchase another tie.
I wrote a pleasant letter this morning to the headmaster, stating that I was unhappy as to the way this situation had been handled and that the tie needn't have been thrown away but that he could have simply commented and we would have purchased a new one. Many children have done this to their ties (its the current "trend") but somehow he singled out my son who is well behaved and hard working.
He read the letter, then proceeded to tell my son that the letter was "pathetic" and told him "he could always find a new school, there are lots of other schools around here". He then took my son to the office gave him a new tie and said "I want £4.50 for this tie tomorrow or I will be taking this further".
I am at a loss to know what to do next, we feel victimised and bullied and all over a silly school tie. I do feel that I would like to make a formal complaint about the head teacher's comments and behaviour but don't want to cause further trouble for my son.
What do people think? Opinions/advice gratefully accepted please?

[DTCwordfan]

(i) pay the 4-50 and be done with that - your son was wrong.

(ii) ask for a meeting with the HM and take a friend in with you - even better if he/she is a professional like a doctor/lawyer.

(iii) failing a successful outcome, then a letter (but take appropriate advice on its content and structure) and send to the Chairman of the Governors.

[Demian]

Go and see him in person, he won't act like such a *** in front of a parent.

[Pea Pod]

I would pay the £4.50 and move on.

[sunflower68]

No bluet I am on your side that is totally unacceptable behaviour from an adult to a child; he should not be discussing the letter with your son in that manner, it is highly unprofessional of him. I would definitely be arranging a meeting with the teacher first thing tomorrow and if he doesn't back down and apologise take it to the head. Your son seems to be a good lad; he doesn't deserve that.

[bimbo123456]

I am sure you trust your son. However, teenagers are the world's best at manipulating their parents. You have been told that the headteacher said that the letter was pathetic. Personally, if you wish your well-behaved, well-performing child to stay at the school, I would give the man the benefit of the doubt, assume your little darling has embroidered the facts, pay up and make your son do some chores to earn the money to pay back for the tie. You are right that causing trouble is not a good idea. If your son is generally happy at the school I would let this one go. A wee chat about vandalising his uniform wouldn't go amiss. What others are doing is irrelevant. However, if you are absolutely convinced that this has all actually happened you might get in touch with the governors. It may be that other parents have had similar things happens and yours could help the body of evidence against what seems like overbearing and bullying behaviour. Headmasters are not taken on for their ability to blend in they need to be strong and lead. Sometimes they get above themselves. sorry this is so wordy. Hope it helps!!! Just my opinion of course.

[bluet]

This IS the head teacher we are talking about! Thats what makes the whole thing even more wrong!

[teacher1]

Make an appointment to see the headmaster and ascertain that all the facts are correct ! ;o)

[DTCwordfan]

You need to be very laid back and not accusational at this point - hence why to have a 3rd person present if you go to see him so things are handled professionally - you wouldn't want to dig an extra big hole for your son with the HM or have him forced to move from a school in which he is happy and doping well. And bimbo is right, there may be some extra embellishment of the facts going on as he is embarrassed.

Look, any lawyer will tell you that with a witness, 20% of what they come out with in statements and on stand are lies - not deliberately, its the way our brains interpret and (I hate the expression) spin the situation - this is the reason that they will 'test' witnesses on the stand.

So take it carefully..................."allez sur les pointes des pieds" (go on tiptoes)

[DTCwordfan]

And keeping your cool is far more powerful than 'blowing a fuse'.................

[Lily_Lilbert]

OMG, and you havent been down there kicking ass? Who exactly does this person think he is? Personally I would go down there and make it clear in no uncertain terms the teachers appalling behaviour will not be tolerated and you wont be paying for the tie as he threw the last one away, and you also require an apology for him calling your letter pathetic. Sometimes people like him need bringing down a peg or two.

[B00]

with all due respect, i wouldn't follow lilly's advice ^

I'd certainly go in to see the headmaster, but keep your cool. At least until you've heard the HM's side of the story.

You'll get nowhere if you go in all guns blazing.

[Coobeastie]

And the actual likelihood of the Head actually opening the letter in front of your son and then giving his opinion negative or not is....

[teacher1]

I am not saying your son is telling lies, but you should speak to the headmaster and make sure the whole story is accurate. Statements have a habit of changing and are easily misinterpreted. Find out the full facts first.

[Lily_Lilbert]

Boo-if you allow this person to continue like this, he will only think it is acceptable. No way would i allow this.

[Coobeastie]

Lily

Based on an unsubstantiated claim you suggest bluet goes in and kicks ass...no wonder teaching staff have a difficult time nowadays.

[DTCwordfan]

Let her go and make a complete ass of her self; completely embarrass her son at least to the point of creating hostility between the HM and him and even to the point of being asked to find another school.

There are folk that are so pig-headed that despite virtually all the answers here being unanimous in saying be tactful and cool, she wants to ignore it.

Why did bluet even pose the question? A complete waste of our time.

[bluet]

Thanks all so far for your comments and advice, all very helpful. I am a great believer in handling things calmly so would never go in "all guns blazing". Thats partly the reason I'm on here for the first time, to get others opinions before this gets out of hand because I am quite angry about it... I do believe my son because he is a good lad and we have an honesty policy. I think I am going to email the college office in the morning to request a meeting with the head so it is there in writing, take a friend with me and ask him about the comments and to justify his "military dictator" behaviour (I won't say that obviously!). I fullly understand the school policy of smartness of uniform at all times and my son is always well turned out with polished shoes etc.. but this is not the issue here. I have always had respect for all teachers (I was a teaching assistant for a while and know how hard it is) but my respect for this man has decreased considerably hearing about this. OKay, comment about the tie, don't take it! Its essentially theft! and he had the cheek to accuse my son of "defacing school property". It wasn't school's property, it was ours!

[bluet]

To DTcrossword fan... was that comment really necessary?

[DTCwordfan]

Then I Take my words back bluet as you are seeing sense - you need to gently ascertain the truth behind this (though you may never really get it). I would tell your son your plan of action and ask him one more time if the HM really said pathetic as this is possibly an accusation and we need to be 100% correct with the information before I go in..........and if he was to own up, don't go bang at him but drive home the learning lesson from this.,,,

Good luck

[weecalf]

Im sure his BOG would be delighted at the way he handled it .Ignore him and dont pay for a tie you did not need in the first place .If ties are all he/she has to worry about he/she has to much time on his /her hands.