Grandparenting

[ianess]

Does anyone else have the problem of the grandmother being unable to accept that she's done her bit and it's now time to slow down?  My wife has a career in child-care as well as having 3 kids of our own....the youngest is now 24......but her whole life has revolved around kids and I feel we should now be enjoying our "more mature" years together but find that we have very little else in common.   This is putting a strain on what was for so long a loving relationship.  Can anyone offer advice?

[Lillabet]

Last year my Dad took early retirement. My Mum was still working. We (brother sister and self) had grown up and moved out.

Obviously he then had a lot more time - although he did take on some part time consultancy stuff. I remember a number of phone calls where he complained about Mum always being out and not seeming to be helping him settle into his new lifestyle.

Equally Mum complaining that continuing in her job which she loves was her choice. he had chosen early retirement and she respected his right to choose that.

Over the years they had developed separate interests and friends. That they didn't spend a lot of time together only became obvious when one of them found themselves with a lot of spare time. I don't know if this sounds at all familiar to you. As he complained about being bored and ignored she got pretty defensive.

They did achieve a better balance however. Dad and I sat down one weekend when I was back and made a list of all of the places he had wanted to go. Things he had wanted to do and hadn't had time to before: - from small things like redecorating the living room to things like learning to speak Italian.

Mum then had a look through the list and picked out things that interested her too. Dad then set about finding out about relevant courses. Looking into holidays etc etc

This meant that they were spending time together doing things that were fun for both of them giving them more in common and meeting new people at the same time. Also Dad was able to pick out projects to keep himself busy when Mum was at work.

[Lillabet]

Continued: (Sorry it's so long)

There isn't 'a time to slow down' that fits everyone. If you want to stay in and your wife still wants to work then trying to force her to do otherwise is bound to irritate. If what she is hearing from you is criticism of her choices - don't do that so much. I think that is wrong etc. then she won't be keen to spend more time with you. To be brutally honest people who grumble and moan most of the time aren't good company. You might think you are saying 'I want to spend time with you.' She might be hearing 'I'm annoyed' 'I don't want to spend time with our kids'

If however you are seen as content and inviting her to join in your fun - 'I really want to do ...... do you want to too?' then that will sound far more attractive to her. It doesn't have to be anything demanding. It could be as simple as going for more walks near where you live.

It seemed to work for my parents. Hope this helps...

[andy hughes]

I read this Question, and was all set to response, when I read Lillabet's answer, and realised that she had said everything, and I had nothing to add - except to agree with everything, and wish ianess the best in making the adjustments that will make him, and his wife, enjoy this new phase of their relationship together,

[calleach]

to lillabet-what a brilliant answer and constructive response to your parents difficulties. If you havn't got a career in human relationships-get one.