responsibilties v going out

[imajenarry]

my partner and i over the past year now have a mortgage and a baby.everythings good with one exception,my bf has a thing for going out friday nights--every friday night.i don't mind too much just wish it wasn't such a set in stone thing.we've had chats about it and more than once come to conclusion that he would try and give it a rest the occasional weekend but then gets to friday again and he's totally itching to go out.getting to be at bit of a sticking point with us. am i wrong for getting peed off with this?it's partly financial and partly about spending time together.i go out too but not as much obviously.bf makes me feel like i'm being unreasonable.what do people think?

[scoobydooby]

I think once a week - every week is unreasonable. Firstly, whilst he's out with his mates, you're at home looking after the baby and secondly, why isn't he happy spending his time with you? I had this problem years ago when I was 22 and had my first child. BF went out every weekend, came home drunk and simply carried on with his social life as though he had no responsibilities. In all other areas he was a gem. I hated the fact that he was always so drunk and would spend all weekend nursing a sore head! Because I'd had a baby, my outlook had completely changed and I didn't want to go out. Anyway, I put it down to age and that fact that we were young and it would take some adjustment for him (I'd had nine months to prepare). I decided to hang on in there and 16 years later I can happily say we're still together with another child that came along two years after the first!! I have to say though, my patience would have run out at some point! I continuously nagged him to make his 'night out' only once a month with the ultimatum of 'your family or regular boozy nights out'. Don't give up - he'll eventually realise (as his mates all settle down in relationships) that he'd rather be at home - but don't make it easy for him.

[ELVIS68]

I`ll hold my hands up and admit I was like that a few years ago.
Then I started a new job which involved working weekends and nights so I couldn`t go out even if i wanted to.

After a while I realised how much money I was p!ssing up the wall,and how much better off I was by working weekends and nights.

And now when I think of how much money I used to spend it makes me feel quite sick.

Anyway, confession over, I hope all works out well for you,

I`m off for a kip cos I just got in from work...good luck

[spudqueen]

When our children (now at secondary school) were little Mr Spudqueen would go out most (3 out of 4) Fridays with a couple of friends. I had no problem with this, in fact I encouraged him to go out as I think it is good for him to go out, see his friends have a chat about footie or whatever and just relax. At the time I didn't go out as much, though if I'd had the opportunity I would have done! Now we've moved, made new friends and I go out every Thursday with the girls and Mr Spudqueen goes out every Friday with the blokes. I think we both come back from our respective nights out recharged and feeling more like normal human beings rather than someones mum etc. I'm sure if I tried to stop him going down the pub on a Friday he'd feel trapped and resentful with a 'well what else are we going to do ' attitude - we have the rest of the week to do what we want to do - chatting, watching TV etc.

[RATTER15]

I think one day a week is not bad if finances can run to it, but he should be more flexible, it should not be set it stone.

he needs to be more flexible with this.

[sue11]

My feelings are that it depends on what he does the rest of the week. If he is very good and does his bit with the baby, my opinon is that you should turn a blind eye to this one night a week. My feeling is that as he gets older and you get more settled into your new life, he will get fed up of the weekly night out anyway! I also think that the more you get upset, possibly the more defensive he will be and this could escalate in something more serious than it needs to be! Just my opinion!
Cheers Sue

[imajenarry]

posted this question on parenting too and have got a mix of replies .just like our conversations about it there's mixed views and we can't come to conclusion.we agreed after one such chat that he would try staying home 1 in 3 but then it's like he physically can't do it.and there's a lot of sighing and huffing and puffing till i end up saying "do you want to go out?" which of course he says yes and i feel peed off all evening cos a)he couldn't stick to his promise and b)i gave in to it.one friend tells me 'to stick to my guns else this is how it's gonna be' and another says that 'that's guys for you and i have to just grin and bear it' .some ab'ers are saying he'll grow out of it,etc but don't think he will-we're both in our 30's but he's still like 18 yr old bout his fri nights.i still enjoy going out too but nowhere near as regular.should i just give up and grin and bear it?????

[noxlumos]

I answered your thread on parenting but I think ultimatums are direly dangerous and not to be issued unless you are happy to split up if he jumps the wrong way. I had such an ultimatum from my nagging, moaning,never happy about anything ex-wife and much as I loved my children ( who I ended up with custody of) there was no way on earth she was going to dictate to me where I may and may not go.
It's nothing to do with being happy to spend his time with you, it's to do with respect and personal freedom. Marriage shouldn't be like a ball and chain and you BOTH need time off as I stated in my previous answer, so make time for yourselves as individuals and yourselves and a couple and try not to resent the very little time he's obviously out on his own.

[angel-cake]

I would hire a private detective and see exactly what he does get up to on these very important friday nights.....

[alijangra]

Well, as you state in your question that everything else is good then I really dont see why he cant go out one night a week.