Smothering Love

[BigDogsWang]

I'm a 36 year old man with a six year old son, who I love dearly. This may sound daft, but is it possible to give them too much praise? I never really received any from my parents, especially my dad (dont get me wrong, I love them dearly!). I always tell him I love him, that he's a superstar, that he's good at everything, and as a result he is a happy, loving and confident boy. What worries me is that as he grows up and starts to suffer lifes ups and downs, he wont be prepared for the bad times. If you are always told you're great and life's a bowl of cherries, won't a big let down affect you a lot more? Won't he feel that I've lied to him? Sounds daft I know, but I just hope I'm not 'smothering' him too much. He is our only child.

[Rock Mommy]

I don't think you are smothering him BigDogsWang - I have 3 yr and 15 month old daughters and we do the same - always using positive reinforcement and telling them we love them and they are great at everything.  I really belive that to create a confident and self assured child is the key to a good transition into adulthood.  Don't get me wrong, we stick to our guns if we feel they are pushing boundries, but you can only do that if your child feels loved and knows that you will always love them.  By nuturing that relationship you will create a situation where your son can talk to you about everything.  I say 'go for it' 

[Bonzo 2000]

Absolutely, Rock Mummy. I dont think you can give too much love and support to any child.  My wife came through a bout of pretty miserable depression a couple of years ago.  After a great deal of therapy by some excellent counsellors, the root of her problem was traced to a bad reationship with her over-bearing and unsupportive mother, throughout childhhood and still existing in adulthood (mid 30's).  This lead to a lack of self confidence in my wife, especially in relation to anything her mother was involved with.  Anything less than complete and unconditional love and support for your son throughout his childhood could store up all sorts of problems for his later life.  If he is allowed to take the knocks that life will inevitably throw at him, he will at least be able to come to you for help and support.  Your investment at this stage in his life will reap big dividents for both you and your son later.

[georgit79]

At this age, no, you're not smothering him. Maybe in a few years, lay off the praise a bit, but by then he'll be embarrassed by it anyway!

[FP]

Just to say I agree with all the other postings.  What you are doing for your child is giving him the best possible start in life.

[Joe's Mum]

I am just the same with mine and my farther in law hates it, if my son wants me he has my attention. I think my son is the best at everything and that he is the best thing since sliced bread, I tell him I love him so many times but the best thing is hearing it back. I know a child of my son's age who never says it and is more likely to sware back at his mother, I know which I prefer. keep up with the good work, with everything bad going on today in this world a child should feel safe and secure in it's home and around its family.Go home and give your son an extra cuddle and enjoy it whilst you can as georgit79 says he will be embarressed soon and you will have no chance then..

[BigDogsWang]

Some nice comments everyone. Thanks a lot.

[BUNNY]

My friend discussed this with her therapist recently.She and I both had parents who told us we were wonderful and can both remember being very confused when we began to realise that not everyone in the world held this view of us.We both felt we were doing something wrong that suddenly made us not so great to friends or teachers.Now that she has a son she asked how to get the balance right when praising your child.She was told to pour on the praise but to qualify her reasons for doing this.Eg,'you are beautiful' followed by 'your eyes are so blue'etc.It allows them to experience your love and acceptance without building up unrealistic expectations that everything about them is perfect and everyone will see that.

[BigDogsWang]

Thanks Bunny. That's exactly what I mean. When you look at a lot of the people in the media, especially the Posh & Becks of the world, they will not have it any other way. Or most of these so called 'models', who swan around thinking they really are something special, when they're not. For most of their childhood they have been 'bigged up' by their parents, and end up being the most arrogant people on the planet. I just dont want my son to think he's chocolate and end up eating himself. So for your answer Bunny I give you the gold star.

[Oneeyedvic]

Just one word of warning -regarding my stepchild who is a 22year old girl (i have only known her for 7 years)

 

As  achild, she was born with no skin and so her mother (my wife) could not hug her like a normal baby. She went quite over the top (understanably) and called her precious, wonderful, a princess etc as she could not hug her for reassurance as would be normal with a child.

 

Since I have known her, I am afraid she is awful. She beleives that the world revolves around her  and is very precocious. She is to be frank not a nice young lady.

 

My wife does feel responsible (don't all parent's for their kids failings?) but I am unsure (as I wasn't there). Point is, it MAY have been too much positive reinforcement that actually caused her to belive that she is the centre of the universe.

[Philtaz]

Keep it up BDG, there's too many children out there that don't get this kind of attention unfortunately.  I'm just about the same with my 4 and a half year old boy!  My 9 year old daughter complains she doesn't get the same attention but she does get her fair share.  I point out to her that before her brother came along she got as much attention as he gets now(and more, as she was first!).

[Hgrove]

If you have any concerns, you could subtly change the sort of thing you say to him; for ex. in my daughter's school the teachers praise the children for "good thinking", "good listening", I think there are five skills they try to encourage, although at the moment I can only remember those two.

[Ouisch]

I think praise is great for a child, as long as somewhere along the way it doesn't somehow set up unrealistic expectations for the kid.  For example, because he's always received praise, when he gets older and competes and loses, you don't want him to feel embarrassed or afraid to face you because he didn't excel.

[libbi]

I dont think you can ever give a child too much praise. the fact that he is a confident happy child will give him the strength to take lifes knockbacks. i too have only one child, a 12month old daughter, and already she is very confident since she constantly gets told when she is clever and how much she is loved, i think when you reverse it and dont give enough praise, as i had as a child, you are less able to deal with knocks since you somehow beleive you are the cause

[zgma]

I think it's great that you give your son so much praise.  I would say that it can't hurt him as long as you are honest, and not falsely praising him. 

 

I grew up with parents who praised me all the time - but sometimes their praise contradicted what I knew to be true (i.e., I'm not perfect, though sometimes they would tell me I was).  Result - their praise didn't feel authentic, and I didn't know when I could trust it. 

 

Is he really good at everything?  He probably knows he isn't, so maybe instead of saying something so general, you could praise him for specific things that he's good at.

[xxlizziexx]

i think giveing them alot of priase is a really good idea adn you seem to be doing it well. you even said so yourself that he is a happy loving confident boy as result. so thats really good. its good beacuse he knows he is save and not alone. you sound like a really good dad. just dont smother him in choco and sweets, do it in love, its much better and it comes from the heart. xx