Disipline of children / stepchildren

[mamatwo]

My daughter and I started living with my new partner 3 and a half years ago. We had a baby 12 months ago,who she loves. She doesn't see her natural father.

I think she is a good kid, sometimes you have to tell her twice to do something, sometimes, gets good reports at school etc. Not too good at keeping her room tidy (but then we don't lead by example) and getting ready on time.

My Partner told me last night that he feels that she doesn't do as he tells her, answers him back and will become dreadful in teenage years if we don't 'stamp it out now'.

It's true that she doesn't always do stuff first time and can moan about it, whichever of us asks her to do something- but that's kids surely? Sometimes he asks her if she wants to, say, tidy her room, then when she says no he either gets annoyed and says fine don't bother then or gets really cross because she's chosen the wrong answer! Other days he directly tells her to do things but I feel he's then very overbearing and aggressive (he's a big bloke and I know he wouldn't mean to be but I think he can be scary). Then I find her in tears. I comfort her, - but then he has a go at me saying that I'm wrong to comfort her because she's just acting up because he hasn't let her have her own way. I don't think it is right for her to be left upset, especially when I feel that he has been heavy handed (not physically).
I'm really torn as to what to do. He thinks we should take away riding lessons (that she loves) if she doesn't do as she is told first time she is asked to do anything. I feel that is really extreme (what would we do if she then did something really bad?)

It just all seems like a massive tangle that I don't know how to unravel but everyone is looking at me to sort it out so I'm stuck in the middle with no one to help.

Any ideas?

[andy-hughes]

I am a step-parent, our daughters were six and four when I appeared, so I have experience on which to draw.

Your partner has no experience of children, and is feeling the pressure from all sides. Because he is not a biological parent, he senses a degree of resentment which is probably not there at this stage, but if he is not careful he will create it! He also will be aware, maybe not even conciously, that he is tne 'new kid on the block', and that you and your daughter represent a bonded couple - two against one. There is no rational basis for this - but this is how he will be thinking.

His response is to over-react, to see hostility and disrespect even where none exists, because he is hyper-sensitive. And your daughter will start to see him as an interloper who is upsetting your happy home, and the problems escalate. So how do you deail with it?

Point one - you must must MUST back him up in his discipline of your children, even if you think he is wrong. In front of them, you must be united in front of them, and discuss any issues between you out of earshot. Hand in hand with that goes the way in which you both discipline your children, and that takes teamwork. So, don't sit him down and lecture him on childcare - guide him into your ways, and affirm him when he gets it right, and guide him when he gets it wrong, and eventually, he will see that you are all one family, and it's not a matter of sides.

Just for the record, your own biological child will play one against the other - that's what children do! It's only with step-parents that other dimensions creep in - we have a third daughter, so I know this to be true.

While you are including him, include your daughter and get her onside. Explain that ytour partner lovves her, but he is new to being a Dad, and still learning, and she must be patient and help him to learn as well.

ctd ....

[andy-hughes]

...

It will work out - it won't be painless, because raising children never is, but you wil all get there. Tell him to be ready for the "You're not myDad ...!" line because it will come - because kids hit to hurt when they are teenagers, but rise above it.

My girls are 34, 33 and 20, so we all got there in the end!

[Nosha123]

Good advice above - and you could also look to SUpernanny for discipline help... Her take on it is - if they disobey - they get one warning - then the discipline kicks in if they continue to disobey.

ie you should only take away her riding lessons if she fails on the second 'order' to tidy her bedroom.

She will also wonder why she has to tidy hers if your is a mess - so be fair and lead by example.
And ask him not to read into her behaviour in too much of an adult way. She really might not be behaving like this because of why he thinks (ie he's not her real dad) Kids see thinks in ways we dont. She could just not want to tidy her room. I know I didnt! Did you???
Persist - with a firm gentle hand and clear communication!

[dozeydo]

andy-hughes is talking a lot of sense. Your partner needs confidence in his ability to be a parent - he hasn't been one long - it's scary being a first time parent! Also, your daughter is having to learn to adjust to having a sibling after some years as an only child - she must be at least 6 to be having riding lessons and to be able to tidy her room - and this isn't easy for her. People can become heavy handed when they are unsure of themselves and of course, two different partners will have had different experiences of family life as they grew up - parents very often disagree on discipline even when there are no step children. I know we did! Try Andy-hughes advice - it's very sound. Good luck!

[caththecrazy]

If you ask a child do they want to tidy their room how many are going to answer yes?

You haven't said how old she is - she probably would be saying the same thing to her natural father if he was around.

Good advice given above.

Sure it will all work out. You've noticed the problem and are tackling it.

[karenmac60]

I also have a daughter and a new husband of 3 years - as far as we are both concerned she is my daughter and I do the disciplining. He would never dream of telling her what to do and I wouldn't be happy with him if he did. They get along well and are good pals but I am her mother and I say what she is or isn't to do. She's in her teens just now and although I have the odd run in with her she doesn't use her step-dad being her friend to get around me. It works well and it stops any friction between my husband and I.