How to end a friendship

[secretspirit]

This is a really awkward one but I hope you can help. I've been friends with someone from school since I was 10 but over the last 5 years we've really grown apart (we're now 24). She's now married to a man who I've never liked and in their early relationship she was always moaning about him and saying he stalked her by following her around and checking her mobile etc but gradually he wore her down and now they're married with a 3 year old. She's not allowed to go anywhere without him and has lost all the personality she used to have so she's a completely different person. He's still very controlling and has to read all her emails/letters but she always knew he was like that.

There's things about the way she brings up her 3 year old that I just cannot stand to see like letting him watch 18 rated videos and allowing her husband to drink drive whether their daughter is there or not. She keeps wanting to meet up with me but especially now I'm expecting a baby my instinct tells me to cut the ties because I don't want my child exposed to that type of lifestyle. I don't want to fall out with her because we have mutual friends so will probably see eachother about twice a year but what do you think I can do to distance myself from her? Do you think I'm being nasty?

[indian]

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel, but tell her its because youre worried about her. Its sometimes hard to say it straight and even if she gets angry just let her know you'll always be there for her if she needs you. After all, by the sounds of things this guy is a **** and she mite need you one day.

[ll_billym]

I agree with indian honesty is whats needed here.  Bad as it sounds but she needs you more than you need her and you are in the driving seat.  Tell her how you feel and why you don't want to be around her day to day but let her know that if anything goes wrong and she really needs you then you will be there for her.

Good luck.

[Otrere]

I agree. After all if you have been friends for so long I think at least you can be honest with her. Its a difficult situation but a true friend would say what she thinks... then she can deal with it in whatever way suits her. This chap really does sound like a complete ****** and being pregnant yourself, well you know that your child will always come first - you'll understand that more once your little one is born (hope that doesn't sound patronising but there really is nothing like motherly love) ... you have to be open and honest for the sake of their daughter more than anything.

[Hgrove]

My own opinion differs from above.  I would be concerned that honesty could backfire.  Her husband might find out and have it in for you, or she could become resentful.  I would be diplomatic.  I write this as one who has always spoken the truth and at least 75 per c. of the time, it got me into trouble.  My experience is that people are rarely grateful for being confronted with unconfortable realities.  I probably would not be writing this if you were not pregnant, but with a new baby, you will have a lot on your plate.  From where I stand, I would recommend making excuses.  I suggest getting involved with a support group of expectant mums due at the same time as you.  It is a good way of making friends, some of whom may become friends for life.  Once you have a new baby and she has a child in playgroup you will have far fewer opportunities to get together.  This way you are not burning any bridges.

[secretspirit]

Thanks a lot for the answers. Unfortunately it is the case that it's impossible to get her alone to have a chat and like I said her husband insists on reading all emails and being with her 24/7 so he will get to know whatever I say and possibly stop her seeing her friends full stop. Other friends have tried to draw her out in the past but there's just no opportunity to speak to her properly. Before she married him during the many times when they were split up for a while we'd tell her that our thoughts and offer her support but she still went back every time.

I'm sure she doesn't realise that the things she lets her daughter see or be around are not what other people would consider normal and anything I say will probably be taken as criticism that she wouldn't get over. It would be very awkward if we do fall out when we meet again at birthdays etc so I'm just not sure what to do. Maybe making excuses is the best thing but it does make me feel very guilty particularly when I remember how close we used to be and that she might be feeling isolated already.

[indian]

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[indian]

soz, if your friends have tried b4 then i think Hgrove is right maybe you should make excuses. Don't feel guilty i know this might sound harsh but ive been in a similar situaton but with my sister and in the end i just thought there's no point wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't want to know or hear what your saying. Your better off spending the energy on other stuff especially with the baby on the way, and when you do meet up say the pregnancy and baby have kept you busy. DONT FEEL GUILTY! sometimes we all have to do these things. Good luck x

[Hgrove]

The thing is, if you get involved in an antinatal or support group for new mums whose babies are due at the same time as you, then it will not really be making excuses at all.  You will get very busy with your group.  There will be a 3 or 4 years difference between her child and yours so you will be at very different stages in your life. Her child will be in nursery when yours is a baby.  Yours will be starting school when hers is in the Juniors.  I think there is a diplomatic way of dealing with this, without incurring her husband's wrath or burning bridges with her.  Best of luck!

[secretspirit]

Thanks again, I'll take a look around at different groups and make sure I keep busy!

[lodekka]

Friendships and people evolve.

Having moved to another part of the country, I don't see or contact my friends as often as I used to, but that doesn't stop us being there for each other as and when needed.

Indian's right - one day she really will find her voice and be able to express herself. I've known the situation a couple of times with people I'm close to and it does take time. It's not like you're going to be 24 the rest of your lives, and there's no telling what the future may bring.

Loosen the strings if you have to, but don't cut them.