Im crying bucket loads now.........

[Im a BusyBee]

i told my 23 year old son to leave this morning so he took some of things and went :-( ..........i have problems every week getting his keep from him, i only ask for £50 a week and he earns more than both me and his dad so i do not feel im being greedy over that? Yet EVERY week its a nightmare to get it out of him and if i go to the supermarket before i get the money then no hope..am i being unreasonable? He changed the ground rules a few weeks ago and said he would give it to me every tuesday so i booked my grandson in for his swimming lesson on a wednesday (i take him near to supermarket for this) thinking i could combine the 2 as its several miles away to town and this morning i was so fed up of this arguement every week and said if i hadnt got it before he went to work he had to go cos i cant cope with the hassle. Im always so busy doing things for other people and i work fulltime i just needed co-operation so he's gone. Now im devastated - do i text him, just leave him or what? I am struggling to cope with this more than worrying about £50.

[Im a BusyBee]

He seems to have the attitude that we shouldnt have had him if we didnt want to 'keep' him my answer is that is true until you leave school and start earning and my theory (which he is aware of) is save a third, spend a third and give parents a third. this has never happened and had he have done this i wouldnt have kept it all but saved some each week for him to have as a lump sum when he did get his own place but i didnt tell him that. He also tells me very often the house is as much his as it is mine, he will not keep to house rules which leads to these unpleaseant situations. My husband is more laid back than me and usualy its anything for a quiet life but hes had enough now.

[emmie]

He is behaving like a spoilt child, throwing the toys out of the pram, don't contact him, leave him to stew, you may find it upsetting, but seeing how you are already rowing over money, see if he can manage on the money he was supposed to give you. He needs a sound reality check i'm afraid.

[gordyagusta]

BusyBee, I can sympathise with you predicament. I posted a similar post a couple of years back, (Father/Son relationship). The response I got from fellow AB's gave me the strength and encouragement that I had did what he best. Now two and a half years later i'm delighted to say that our relationship has survived the initial fall out and we socialise together more now than we did back then. I know he has his regrets and he has on occasion commented on the missed opporunities that i had tried to put out for him. I can only hope and wish that at some point your own kid will eventually see the errors of his ways and may look back and have the same regrets, thats what brings them back to the roost........
I know its not easy for you and its a horrible feeling but best wishes for the future.....

[starone]

Please let us know how you get on with our advice, which seems to be all aiming at the same solution.

[albaqwerty]

Do NOT contact him, I know you'll be worried senseless. My 17 year old left in March, stopped off at an aunt's house, she told him he shouldn't be paying digs at his age. (He was and is working full time) He then moved into a place where he is paying £58 a week. (He was paying 30 here) Like you, we have pay a third, spend a third and save a third. (Theoretically sounds good) £50 is not a lot in this age. I left all channels of communication open (as did his dad) I received a text on Tuesday, 'Think I can move back in mum?'

[chrissa1]

BusyBee, what you said about him paying you the money, (a pittance by the way) reminded of years ago when we bought two Labrador puppies for our two children who were then 10 and 14. Thet pleaded with me for two and promised that they would do everything for the pups.
I had to keep asking them to take them out etc and the cry would be "in a minute Mum".

Well, Mum got sick of this and so advertised for a good home for the pups. They were gone in an hour of the advert going in the local paper and the look on my children's faces was a picture. They never thought I would go through with it and I was the "wicked witch" for ages. Now aged 27 and 33 they agree that I'd done the right thing. Tough love.

[ladybirder]

I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. I had a bust-up with my son when he was 24 over a similar point of principle and we never spoke or contacted each other for quite a while. We did make up of course but it took over 20 years for it ever to be mentioned again. Then one day out of the blue he said to me that he was sorry and that I had been right and he could see that now but not then. Cue a big hug. So stick to your guns he will thank you one day.

[Im a BusyBee]

I just SO hope you are all right!

[albaqwerty]

ladybirder, cue a big hug, I'd have been on the floor in a puddle.

Busy, when he comes back, do not pander to him. He's to buy his own food and contribute to the gas and electric.

I say when, because he will. It might take longer than you wish tho

[tillyh345]

Yes I agree let him stew a little, and also when he does come back make it clear he has to give you the money on time every week......dont back down he really would struggle to get somewhere to live for this amount let alone eat washed clothes ironing etc... x

[Jemisa]

If he does come back YOU make some new rules. Get him to do a 'Standing Order' or Direct Debit' payment into your bank account every month on a specified date , then you both know where you are. What is this weekly thing anyway? everything is by the month these days.

jem

[Im a BusyBee]

I am pleased i had you all to 'talk' it over with today think i would have gone out of my mind without you - thanks so much and i will definately let you know how it goes. x

[Jayne-123]

He needs to grow up, he's a 23 yr old man for Christ Sakes, not a kid, let him see how he fares in the big bad world out there, he knows you are a soft touch so you need to be strong and not put up with his tantrums any longer. Don't text him that's what he is expecting, he sounds very selfish, good luck x

[Maydup]

Just popped back in to say that I'm still thinking of you this evening BusyBee :-)

[puzzled54]

I agree with Jem. Let him know that he is welcome to come back, but that he will need to set up a standing order so that you don't have to keep going thru the same conversation every week.

[DTCwordfan]

Terrible - but you have done the right thing......and there are enough folk before me saying "Do not cave in" - however painful this may be.

All I suggest is, if he wants to meet you to 'discuss' the situation, then do it offsite, in a public place like a restaurant/café to keep a lid on any high 'emotions' that may emerge.....

I am sure that he will come around - when he sees the situation a bit more clearly.

[whiskeysheri]

Busybee, I'm 26 and still live at home. I pay the same as your son. I wish I could afford more, but I'm on really rubbish money until I can find something else. Anyway, my mum, like you, is happy for me to pay that, but I do live completely independently; I buy all of my own toiletries and food, and I do all of my own cooking/cleaning/ironing. We share the housework equally. My mum also works full-time. I think you're being more than fair. It sounds like a bit of a tantrum on your son's part, but I wanted to say, you sound like you've been really lovely to him, so, good for you for stopping him taking advantage. x

[welshlibranr]

Well, Busybee, he really needs to realise that you have to pay your way in this life!........and the sooner he learns it, the better for all concerned!......he can't go through life having a free ride!.......I'd give him a little time to cool off, and then ring or text, telling him that he's not banished, but that the situation has to be resolved for good if he still wants to live with you!.....his choice!.........if you give in now, then that's it, he'll be calling the shots forever!.....be strong!.........good luck...........

[rsvp]

we try and teach our children proper values - occasionally this goes awry - I'm a busy bee you come over as a brilliant Mum - give yourself some credit and acknowledge that maybe 'baby boy' has temporarily lost the plot. Let him stew and grow up and maybe go without home comforts (for heavens sake, we all wanted that in the 60's and existed on fresh air, little food and very crowded accommodation!) , don't change his nappies and give the kick up the bum he needs. If he can come back and admit he got it wrong then he is a bigger man than the one who left. X

[welshlibranr]

Our eldest son was great!.......as soon as he started earning he paid his way, when he got a pay rise, he gave one to me too, I never had to speak to him about money, it was there every Friday, the younger one was so different, we agreed that while he was at college we would support him totally, but that when he found work, then he would contribute to the household........he got a job, and nothing was forthcoming, so my husband said, ok, time to start paying towards your keep, so, you go away and think about it, and come back with a figure that think would be fair, and we'll speak again tomorrow, tomorrow came, and my son suggested £25, my husband said, well if you feel that you can afford £25 a night, then that'll do fine!........my youngest was stunned!.........he was more than happy then to pay £50 for a whole week!.........lol.......