My dad is dying

[momcj]

I dont very often write a question on here, but im struggling. May dad has terminal cancer, at xmas time he went into a hospice, he has now came out beginning of feb- he is now at home with my mom. it is so hard, ive never had to really deal with death of someone close. My dad was always such a strong,fit person and now he can barely talk, lift a glass. it is so hard seeing him so weak and in pain. I know that nobody will have answers to make it all better-there are none. I go along day to day sometimes, pushing the deep stuff to the back of my mind, when it comes to going to bed, it hits me and i cry and cry-i just dont know how im supposed to deal with this- i dont want to go to the doctors and get pills as i am scared of getting addicted. How do you function day to day with all this going on, im also worrying about my mom, having to deal with it to ?

[craft1948]

I went to see an aunt of the first Mr Craft (after our divorce). I'd heard she had terminal cancer and although I was no longer part of the family I had known her for about 20 years so thought "bugger it" I'm going to see her. I went in as my usual self and spent about an hour with her, while we reminisced, and as I was leaving her daughter said it was the first time they'd heard her laughing in months............she died a week later, but at least, for a while, I made her happy.

[craft1948]

Sorry, pressed "enter" too quickly. Just do what you can to make him smile, don't let him see you worrying, and treasure every memory..................

[bunkmoreland]

lost my father to cancer 27 years ago,and my mother has just died from pneumonia because of dementia. i agree with mamya and her daughter,it is so much better to be able to talk,but,i'm like you,don't really know how to talk at times,because everything seems surreal. its like normal life goes on because it has to. my best advice,is to "at the worst emotional moments" take really deep breath and just do your best. you all will find you are stronger than you thought possible xx

[ummmm]

I didn't talk to anyone, really. I tried to put on a brave face so I saved my tears for after he died. I broke down in pubs, shops, the street, the kids school. The only advice I can give....don't care about it. Honestly. You're dealing with a living grief. Anyone you know will understand....I just know now that grief can't be timed. You're saving it up for when you're on your own. I wish I'd expressed it as I felt it...xxx

[ummmm]

methyl - stop now.

mom hasn't described the relationship between family members. She may be closer to her Dad than the Mother is.

[bunkmoreland]

did the same umm,for my dad,couldnt talk,just cried when i had a few. have been able to speak more about my mum,cos of different circumstances.but,the level of "you don't have a mummy and daddy anymore that you have to worry about is just so hard to comprehend

[ummmm]

xxxx

[chi-chi66]

Ummm......Methyl is male....different logic..very practical....it will help, but not
to her at the moment, but still needs to be kept in mind, if siblings can help her sort all this when needed. xx

[chi-chi66]

^^^^plus ummm I did exactly like you, stiff upper lip..tried to...carried on in work, didnt need to talk even though help and advice was there. Different when mum died...

[bunkmoreland]

@methyl is it a job? or is there compassion involved someways down the line?

[shooty]

I will take a suspension or a ban on the nose. 'METHYL' you're a PRICK

[chi-chi66]

Shooty....Methyl does a commendable job...but I think just a little insensative, a little more compassion needed.

[shooty]

get out of the trade. people need compassion in times of need. you have become hardened and in my opinion 'sour'.
sorry chi chi, but that is how i feel.
losing so many people so quickly these days. do NOT need some regimental arse to give some hard line advise. i'm not a sap. but compassion is fair!!!!!

[NOX]

Methyl- I know you are trying to help with practicalities but this is not a thread about that- this is a thread about how to deal with grief for the terminally ill, no amount of notebooks or being strong and liasing with 'family elders' will do that- and chi-chi- please don't put down methyl's insensitivity to being male - I'm male but would NEVER have posted something like that in this context.
Just as Ummm says cry all you need whenever you need, and as craft and chris said try to be happy around him and make his last days as good as they can be. It's a truly horrible thing to be going through, but make sure you let him know how much you love him, he'll trasure that now and you'll treasure the fact you did it when he's gone. I'm really so sorry for what you are going through sweetheart.

[divegirl]

Hi, I lost my Dad to cancer three years ago this coming Fathers Day and truly do feel you pain.
There is one thing that this evil disease does give us though and that is the chance to say goodbye....the chance to say all you have ever wanted to say...

Just be there for each other, my thoughts are with you all.

Lisa x

[icemaiden]

This is such a sad time for you momcj. You feel that you have to be strong for everyone but you are only human and you need to let out your pain and upset. Your Mum is feeling the same and you will need to support each other.

I lost my Dad just over a year ago and for a long long time I didn't allow myself to get upset in front of people. But you can only hold it in for so long. I just went to pieces one day, lost the plot, realised that I need to grieve openly too.

I will always remember Mamya saying that "You'll never get over it, but you learn to except what has happened".

Thinking of you and your family xx

[icemaiden]

Just wanted to add.

I never had the chance to talk to my Dad or say to him that I loved him so much before he passed.

Make the most of the time with your Dad, talk to him openly and honestly.

xxx