ChatterBank1 min ago
Breaking point reached yesterday
42 Answers
Am really writing this out of frustration, as I honestly dont know what to do.
You all know relationship between hubby and son at home are strained - mostly because he doesnt see his own child( or so I thought).
Yesterday son returned home from France. He had still got fathers day card and prezzie for hubbby(his step father). His own daughter sent nothing.I did lovely meal. During meal son started chat about his friend nad ipod touch and he wanted one and how could he eary the money. It all got silly, he wanted a job and we said at his age he was limited. Hubby suggesting he knock on strangers door and offer to do odd jobs. Son refused saying anything could happen to him doing that. Said it was his birthday soon(sept) and he could have it then. he didnt want to wait and whinged that most of his friends parents just bought these things as and when.
To cut long stry short it spiralled out of control(not with me) but hubby lost the plot and was absolutely vile. I couldnt calm him down, he was shouting and shouting at me about all my kids being useless, waste of space( he had had a drink btw - no excuse I know). Kept on about how I wouldnt survive without his money blah blah blah and I would be destitute if he left. So i said well your parents are away for another 2 weeks - if you feel like that just go and stay at their house. He didnt, but just gave me the silent treatment. Has left for work and didnt even know he had gone.
I just dont know how to sort this out. Obviously if I had to choose my son would come first, no question. In fact Im not sure what Im even asking, Im just fed up of excusing his behaviour and want it to stop.
You all know relationship between hubby and son at home are strained - mostly because he doesnt see his own child( or so I thought).
Yesterday son returned home from France. He had still got fathers day card and prezzie for hubbby(his step father). His own daughter sent nothing.I did lovely meal. During meal son started chat about his friend nad ipod touch and he wanted one and how could he eary the money. It all got silly, he wanted a job and we said at his age he was limited. Hubby suggesting he knock on strangers door and offer to do odd jobs. Son refused saying anything could happen to him doing that. Said it was his birthday soon(sept) and he could have it then. he didnt want to wait and whinged that most of his friends parents just bought these things as and when.
To cut long stry short it spiralled out of control(not with me) but hubby lost the plot and was absolutely vile. I couldnt calm him down, he was shouting and shouting at me about all my kids being useless, waste of space( he had had a drink btw - no excuse I know). Kept on about how I wouldnt survive without his money blah blah blah and I would be destitute if he left. So i said well your parents are away for another 2 weeks - if you feel like that just go and stay at their house. He didnt, but just gave me the silent treatment. Has left for work and didnt even know he had gone.
I just dont know how to sort this out. Obviously if I had to choose my son would come first, no question. In fact Im not sure what Im even asking, Im just fed up of excusing his behaviour and want it to stop.
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nannybooby - thats the funny thing, he doesnt really show emotion, he isnt a cuddly affectionate person really, but if he really had wanted to leave lastnight he could easily have done so. I dont know, if I ever try and point out how he is with son he just says that I am taking his side - its almost childish.
If you say owt to your husband about your kids like you do on here then I could understand his frustration as you've certainly had issues with your kids yourself, and you could be sending out mixed messages. He is paying for most things from the sounds of things, and if this includes bailing your kids out alongside not actually being able to have a proper relationship with his then I could see how resentment would form. I'm not saying it's right but I can definitely see how he could feel really screwed over.
You other half shouldn't have reacted quite the way he did but at the same time, it does sound like he's a lot on his plate and I wonder if he perhaps feels a bit taken for granted? It's really easy to do without thinking. Plus your son was most definitely taking the proverbial and perhaps he needs to be read the riot act as much as your OH does as you can't be piggy in the middle with both.
You other half shouldn't have reacted quite the way he did but at the same time, it does sound like he's a lot on his plate and I wonder if he perhaps feels a bit taken for granted? It's really easy to do without thinking. Plus your son was most definitely taking the proverbial and perhaps he needs to be read the riot act as much as your OH does as you can't be piggy in the middle with both.
I think all you can do is stay calm don't make a huge issue of it so it becomes more emotive but when something happens, or when you think something could be handled better have a quiet word with the offender. Id your partner wary of showing too much interest as he deep down expects to be pushed away and doesn't want to lose face
Re kids - it was him that actually offered to give daughter money, not me, which I was very grateful for. Yes totally agree he has a lot on his plate but he has always been like this with youngest son, tbh he doesnt treat him like a son/step-son at all. If son ever asks him to do anything he always always says no. Dont actually know why he is here if he hates it that much
That's rubbish tambo- my kids have ipods and are really not spoiled- it's rude to make sweeping generalisations like that- my daughter paid for hers by her own hard work ( she's now 14).
With regards to your husband smow- I'm not often one to poke my oar in and say you'd be better off without someone- but in this instance this problem with him has been chugging on for ages, he's clearly not going to change, so you have to decide whether to put up with it ( not fair on your son) or do something about it and find someone less volatile and insecure.
For my part if someone spoke disrespectfully to one of my children they'd be out the door faster than they could blink, because it's for adults to set an example and keep a hold on themselves when dealing with kids however difficult they can be, and your man there doesn't seem to either want to do that or be able to.
With regards to your husband smow- I'm not often one to poke my oar in and say you'd be better off without someone- but in this instance this problem with him has been chugging on for ages, he's clearly not going to change, so you have to decide whether to put up with it ( not fair on your son) or do something about it and find someone less volatile and insecure.
For my part if someone spoke disrespectfully to one of my children they'd be out the door faster than they could blink, because it's for adults to set an example and keep a hold on themselves when dealing with kids however difficult they can be, and your man there doesn't seem to either want to do that or be able to.
I hate to be brutal smowball but reading through the thread, especially your comments you aren't acting as a common team as to parenting with your son.......and that's where I would start.
Comments such as you would chose your son over hubby 2 gives it away and from his angle, his behaviour is not that of a caring father.
I would get him to sit down and talk, maybe offsite, like a restaurant, so that it is neutral ground and he can't go ballistic easily. I would start by explaining that we both have a problem......and what we need is a united front to bringing him up or he (your son) will continue to drive emotional piledrivers through you both. Then how do we handle it.......the major "negotiation" being that he has to adapt his behaviour as to being more interested in the kid and you have to adapt yours so that your hubby feels involved with him and that you two are one and intend staying together............
If he is not prepared to meet you halfway then I do not give you much chance of getting through this. It's compromise on both sides that is needed. Remember we men can be ultra-sensitive and defensive, almost as if we were 12 again!
Comments such as you would chose your son over hubby 2 gives it away and from his angle, his behaviour is not that of a caring father.
I would get him to sit down and talk, maybe offsite, like a restaurant, so that it is neutral ground and he can't go ballistic easily. I would start by explaining that we both have a problem......and what we need is a united front to bringing him up or he (your son) will continue to drive emotional piledrivers through you both. Then how do we handle it.......the major "negotiation" being that he has to adapt his behaviour as to being more interested in the kid and you have to adapt yours so that your hubby feels involved with him and that you two are one and intend staying together............
If he is not prepared to meet you halfway then I do not give you much chance of getting through this. It's compromise on both sides that is needed. Remember we men can be ultra-sensitive and defensive, almost as if we were 12 again!
your hubby is feeling bad about his own family .ie not even a card for Father's day etc ..and yours remembering to give him something has obviously highlighted things for him and he has reacted badly...you need to talk calmly about things ..explain that you are sorry about his daughter etc and their neglect towards him but that he now has another family who value him and he has to kind of open a new chapter and forget about the past..as difficult as it may be .he has to live in the present and look at what he has...not what he has lost...
I didnt react to tambo's comment as wasnt sure whether it was jokey or sarcastic. Either way - he has a basic ipod and paid for it himself out of his savings.
Main issue I think is that Iva had and raised 4 children(3 boys and a girl) and he has only had his own girl for first 4 years and then they split so he has no experience of kids this age, or even boys. And I know his own dad was very very strict and cruel,, so maybe thats all that he knows. do know he has a hell of a lot on his plate and he must be feeling like sh*t, he is just making everybody suffer who is actually trying to be there for him. Its a tough one.
Main issue I think is that Iva had and raised 4 children(3 boys and a girl) and he has only had his own girl for first 4 years and then they split so he has no experience of kids this age, or even boys. And I know his own dad was very very strict and cruel,, so maybe thats all that he knows. do know he has a hell of a lot on his plate and he must be feeling like sh*t, he is just making everybody suffer who is actually trying to be there for him. Its a tough one.
And thats why you lot are so lovely - helpful, and listening to all of my moaning and whining. : )
He is meant to have his daughter this weekend, well he is going to attempt to pick her up on fri, but he has not succeeded since december so will either drive home with her and happy, or without her and in a foul mood. Wish he would take a stop back for a bit - he is going to have a break down at this rate.
He is meant to have his daughter this weekend, well he is going to attempt to pick her up on fri, but he has not succeeded since december so will either drive home with her and happy, or without her and in a foul mood. Wish he would take a stop back for a bit - he is going to have a break down at this rate.
I wasn't being sarcastic, just pointing out that kids cant have expensive 'toys' if they're unaffordable. I do sympathise with your OH when he says your son should work for it; that way the boy learns how hard it is to earn money.
Buy kids expensive toys, by all means, but then dont whinge if they get it stolen. Easy come, easy go !
Buy kids expensive toys, by all means, but then dont whinge if they get it stolen. Easy come, easy go !
tambo - no offence taken, and I do actually agree that kids shouldn't just be bought these expensive things, hence why son bought his own last year. And no he isnt going to be bought the newer version, he was trying it on a tad. If he wants it he can save for it or else wait till Xmas or a birthday.
Anne..... think I was trying to say that when we are stressed we all turn to something - cigarettes,chocolate, in his case it is a itsy bit too much of the old vino, and when that happens you cant really reason with him. But I would hate to be in his shoes tbh, being rejected by you own child when you dont know why must be horrendous.
Anne..... think I was trying to say that when we are stressed we all turn to something - cigarettes,chocolate, in his case it is a itsy bit too much of the old vino, and when that happens you cant really reason with him. But I would hate to be in his shoes tbh, being rejected by you own child when you dont know why must be horrendous.
People who stay calm ALL of the time are few and far between.
I've lost my rag with my kids, I've taken my moods out on them when they didn't deserve it. It happens, it's family life.
I think the problem in your situation smow is their lack of relationship. It's easier to take a bollocking from someone you love and respect. Otherwise it just feel like you're being picked on.
I've lost my rag with my kids, I've taken my moods out on them when they didn't deserve it. It happens, it's family life.
I think the problem in your situation smow is their lack of relationship. It's easier to take a bollocking from someone you love and respect. Otherwise it just feel like you're being picked on.
You're right ummm. Have been thinking about this a bit while at work this morning. Stress make us act differently and don't think there is much point talking to him about how he is being while all this is unresolved with his daughter. Think am going to get this weekend out of the way and if she refuses to get in car again then we need to talk more realisitcally about the way forward, in a positive way.
He is not a Gemini is he? I had something similar with my partner recently.
I understand where your man is coming from, but this over reaction is not going to help anyone and he needs to know that.
Using his money as a lever is a low blow, after all he was aware of your children before you got together.
He needs to be made aware of how it is making you feel.
The child is NOT to blame. The adults need to behave collectively and sort this out before it gets out of hand.
I understand where your man is coming from, but this over reaction is not going to help anyone and he needs to know that.
Using his money as a lever is a low blow, after all he was aware of your children before you got together.
He needs to be made aware of how it is making you feel.
The child is NOT to blame. The adults need to behave collectively and sort this out before it gets out of hand.
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