Spending lots of time with grandchild

[Tups]

My daughter is a single parent of a 5 year old girl. Until a year ago, she totally dedicated her life to her daughter. Consequently, she is a very forward, extremely bright little girl, with a reading age and understanding far beyond her years. However, my daughter has had a new man in her life for a year. He also has a 5 year old daughter, whom they look after for about 4 hours X 3 times a week. Said new man takes my daughter on frequent holidays; sometimes week ends and other times for 7-10 days, leaving the little girl with me.

Whilst I adore having her, friends have suggested her behaviour has deteriorated, probably because she feels abandoned. She has, in fact, commented at appropriate moments that 'Mummy loves him more than she loves me.' I immediately refute this. She does have a great deal of fun, staying with me, probably because a) I give her all my time and b) I give her stability.

My question is, am I doing harm, agreeing to have her so often? Should she be spending more time with her mummy, even though her mummy gets totally exasperated by her boisterous behaviour or is it perfectly acceptable for her to be with grandma so much? (I would add that when mummy comes home, mummy is very emotional because she has missed her daughter but daughter doesn't want to run to mummy for hugs. Maybe she is getting her own back for being 'abandoned' or maybe she really isn't bothered??)

[sherrardk]

Why can't your granddaughter go on holiday with them?

[petal54]

have you talked to your daughter about this

[Zacs-Master]

5 years of intense attention followed by being 'abandoned' at frequent intervals and her mum returns in a guilt trip. Mmm. I think you need to excursive some tough love on your daughter, not the grand daughter.

[Zacs-Master]

Exercise.

[LoftyLottie]

Tend to agree with Zacs-Master - obviously you are doing your very best for your granddaughter and I think you are an angel for doing what you do. But your daughter's priority should be her child - not her new man. Her daughter should come first and she obviously doesn't.

I think a long talk with your daughter is the right way forward and don't make yourself so available.

[hc4361]

That little girl is very lucky to have you, Tups.
She doesn't run to mummy for hugs because she is confused about her feelings for her mum.

A very difficult situation for you. If you put your foot down, will she be foisted on somebody else? You really need to talk to your daughter, but don't be accusatory. The last thing your granddaughter needs is a rift between you and her mother.

[Tups]

Think you're probably right. The trouble is, my daughter keeps saying she needs the break from her daughter's behaviour and I'm afraid she will leave her with someone else if not with me, which would worry me silly! May be I'm being a slave to my own worries ... I think daughter is afraid her man will get fed up of having an overactive child around all the time and leave. This would actually devastate the 5 year old as she sees his child as a sister, with whom she is very close.

They did take both girls away for a long week end but the problem is the other girl's mum won't let her go for longer and they don't want to take just one child. Guess it's all excuses though. They are off to Portugal in 2 weeks. I shall have to say, maybe, I'll only have her for one holiday a year ...

[NOX]

I disagree actually. A child of five years old is perfectly able to manipulate the adults around it and is probably pretty ticked off that the 100% attention 100% of the time status that she has previously enjoyed with her mother no longer exists. That sort of attention is unhealthy in any case imho and leads to clingy insecure children. She's five and as such will start to exhibit her own set of traits. This is normal and natural with or without a new partner. Granted the waters are somewhat muddied because his appearance has coincided with a time when children naturally start to become more independent, but none the less with the five year old at school a slackening of the ties is normal and natural and no I don't think you are doing any harm nor do I think your daughter is behaving badly as long as her little girl is also included in some of these fun excursions. Inclusion in some things and exclusion in others is normal and natural and healthy.

[hc4361]

Is your granddaughter just about to start 'proper' school, Tups?
If so, her mum going away now is a bit too much, don't you think?

[Tups]

She has been in the Reception class last year and starts Year One next month. Just a few days before mummy goes away!

[Tups]

BTW one problem coming here so much is she has to sleep on the bed settee; we don't have a spare room. If there was a special room here for her, I would feel happier.

[Tups]

Thank you for your replies. It's good to have a variety of opinions. I'd welcome even more but I am off to bed now. x

[sherrardk]

Sorry, but your daughter needs to realise she has responsibilities. The other little girl has her mum looking out for her. Your daughter needs to grow up and put her child first, not galivanting off with her new man and dumping her daughter. However, very pleased that your granddaughter has you looking out for her.

[LoftyLottie]

Agree ^

[Smowball]

Why does your daughtergo away so often? Doesnt her new man have work to go to?

[ojread2]

and does your daughter realise that her child's 'behaviour' is probably down to her?

It annoys me that women have kids then dump them for 'time by themselves'. Utterly selfish IMO - both my sisters do it, grrrr