Advice Please!

[Schlomo78]

Hi all, my Mum passed away 2 1/2 wks ago and today my sister, niece and nephew (both in their 20's) went to view her in the funeral parlour. They were extremely traumatised as although our Mum had been dressed, there had been NO makeup at all applied and her face was even more bruised than my sister remembered immediately after her death. I assumed they would cover the bruising with something. Are you supposed to ask the funeral directors to apply make-up? I was due to go tomorrow but can't face it now, as I was hoping to see my Mum looking peaceful before the cremation. My poor sister/niece and nephew were in tears that she looked so awful!
I just find it extremely odd, and I'm more than a little angry tbh. Has this happened to anyone else?
Many thanks in advance to my knowledgable ABers! x

[sheribee]

Hey, I'm so so sorry you have lost your mum x
I was 15 when my mum died, she was in a car accident and was badly injured.
I went to see her at the funeral home and they had made little attempt, she had all her hair swept back and make up clung to the injuries on her face. She had actually experienced an embolism in her brain and haemorrhage so her head and face was very very swollen.
I was upset by this but I am glad I went, I touched her hand, kissed her forehead and said goodbye.
I don't know the circumstances of your mums death but I presume that she has injuries as my mum did, perhaps there is little the funeral home can do when someone dies and is injured.
My gran passed away peacefully in hospital and I saw her afterwards, she looked so peaceful, a sleeping angel.
You do what you feel is right for you, but you will not get another chance to see her so do think deeply xx lots of love xx

[EDDIE51]

This is why I would never again go and see someone in a funeral home. I went to see my Dad and he looked terrible and frightening like a skeleton. I want to remember the person I knew and loved not a corpse , which is all they are once they are in the funeral chapel.
My wife was traumatised as a child after a much loved Aunt died and her Mum made her go and see her in her coffin and told her she had to kiss her, she told me the body was ice cold and rock hard, it scared the life out if her . She has never seen another person in the funeral home again either.

[EDDIE51]

You have to remember that 2 1/2 weeks is a long time to keep what is in effect a decaying piece of flesh looking good. ( sorry to be so brutal but it is true) When my FIL died it was at this time of year and it took 3 weeks to get a booking for a cremation . The funeral directors diplomatically said that viewing was not recommended as he '' Did not look his best''

[sheribee]

I saw a close relative after 3 weeks who died of pneumonia and was warned that they do not look their best too, but it was ok, of course they don't as they have died and as time passes things do change but it was ok, they looked different but of course they will. Bless u hunny, its a hard time for you x

[vodkancoke]

I'm so sorry for your loss. xx

I don't know what the protocol is, but my Nonna passed away on the 23rd of December. We saw her in hospital as she died an stayed with her for hours afterwards. Hers was a peaceful death so no obvious injuries and bruising. The funeral isn't due to take place until the 7th. We wanted to see her again as she is now at the funeral director's but they advised us against seeing her until Sunday the 6th(they told us they would dress her, do her hair and apply her make-up....we didn't ask them to do that, apparantly it's just what they do) as she is due to come home the night before the funeral (I'm not sure if this is an Italian custom or a Catholic one?)in an open coffin. I'm worried about seeing her, but I don't want to not see her if that makes sense? I hope she will look how she looked after she had just passed, but who knows how she will look.

Only you know what is best for you and how you feel, it's something you will have to give a lot of thought to.
I have seen a few people before their funeral but never with any bruising so I can't really say what I would do in your case. Sorry I can't actually answer your question, but would it be worth your while phoning them and explaining the situation to them? x

[Sparkles62]

Hi schlomo, so sorry for your loss. Do you really need to see your Mum. can you remember her as you saw her last, without putting yourself through this. I nursed Dad through his last months of cancer, I went to see him and regret it every day. they had left him with his eyes and his mouth open. i saw his face like that every time i thought of him for months afterwards. far better to have a happy picture in your head. X

[bednobs]

unless a body is embalmed, it's likely that in 2 1/2 weeks, she will have deteriorated. The problem with the FD putting make up on and doing the hair means that often, the person looks NOTHING like they did in life (ie their hair is pouffed, and parted wrong and so on)

[Kassee]

I was with my dad when he died, I saw him stop breathing and he was there with us, in the room. Very ill, laid in a bed, but there with us. When I saw him later in the funeral parlour, it was like looking at a dummy - a likeness of my dad - but he wasn't there - he had gone. When you look at the body in the funeral parlour, it is like looking at a shell of the person. There is no need to go unless you really, really want to. I touched my dad's cheek, and yes he was ice cold and rock hard, like something that had come out of the freezer.

To bring a child, and make them kiss the corpse is very cruel, I would have said - terrible thing to do to a child. Whatever was the mother thinking ! Give the child nightmares for years to come I would have thought.

[boxtops]

schlomo, I'm so sorry for your loss - but if you don't see your mum at this last chance, nobody will think badly of you. I saw my mum a few hours before she died, and I didn't see her in the funeral home - I'd rather remember that last farewell - similarly I didn't go and see my dad in the FDs although my sister did. Remember her with love as she used to be - you don't have to go tomorrow. Big Hugs x

[joko]

i would never ever go and see a loved one in a funeral parlour, especially not after 2-3 weeks

i just know that for the rest of my life that would be the firts image i saw of them everytime i thought of them ... not something i want

as has been said - they are no longer 'in there' so theres no need to if you dont want to.

regarding the parlour -
when you say see her at the parlour - was she in the coffin and 'on display', or still in the back on metal table or something?
if still in the back id imagine they hadnt finished working on her.

also i was under the impression they werent 'obliged' to do anything to hair and make up, and that you have to request it in the package ...
and i thoguht you had to give them a photo of the woman so they can try to 'match' it up as much as possible ... as someone said, some people wouldnt like it - some people never wear makeup so they would likely make her look weird and may upset the family doing it without permission and imput... a risk they understandably dont want to take.

and i thought they only did in preparation for the actual funeral ceremony if an open coffin service, not necessarily beforehand - but i may be wrong.

if have thought they should really have asked you if you wanted it done.


if you go i would ring an ask them to do it before you get there, you can just ask them to do a bit of foundation to take away the colour.

[NOX]

So so sorry for your loss Schlomo and for the terrible way you are feeling at the moment. I don't honestly know what the norm is here as my only experience with anyone close dying was my FIL- and their family is Jewish and they do their own thing. My own father died of injuries years ago in Ireland and he was back at the house in a coffin for the viewing but 'didn't look his best' shall we say despite everyone's best efforts.
All I will advise is for you to do what you feel is best. If you feel a strong need to say goodbye then go and see her and be prepared for the fact that the person who was your Mum has left her body behind and that that body will look different. If you don't feel the need to actually go why not spend the day with your Mum in spirit instead saying goodbye, remembering all the happy times and the way things were, just devote some time to thinking about her and celebrating the relationship you had. Everyone is different and if you don't handle things like physical differences well then you might be better with the latter idea. In any event it's not easy so go steady on yourself and once again I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

[lilacben]

So sorry for your loss Schlomo, my mum died 23 years ago,tomorrow it the date. I was with my mum when she died and she looked awful. But when I visited her at the funeral parlour she looked so peaceful. Do what you think you should. But as someone else has said this will be your last chance to say goodbye. I was dreading it but so pleased I had gone. xx

[woofgang]

So sorry for your loss and distress. When my beloved Mum, and also my DH died, the two different funeral directors in different parts of the country both asked the same thing in almost the same words. They very gently asked how we would like the deceased to be cared for (their words) and what they should do in the way of clothing and so on. We were asked whether there would be people visiting and we said no, and also whether unexpected visitors should be admitted and we said no.
We believe in my family that the body is the discarded shell of the actual person and that it should be treated with care and respect but that the person is no longer there.
I hope that you and your family are felling less distressed now

[FurMonster]

Ive never heard of this before! I think id be a little angry myself!.. Im terribly sorry for your loss.. I couldnt bare the thought of losing any family member, especially my lovely mum!.. I would complain to the funeral home, early as you can tomorrow.. They may be able to sort something before your visit.. I wouldnt want to miss out on the opportunity to say goodbye for the last time... Thoughts are with you at thos difficult time xx