Is It Proper For My Grandsons To Open My Refrigerator At Will?

[godfreygirl143]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, just picky or what. I have 2 grandsons age 7 and 10 and every time they come over they go right to my refrigerator and begin asking for things and eating whatever they can find. I live on Social Security and have a VERY limited grocery budget. Many times they have just eaten, but they still do it. They also go into my bedroom and it makes me nervous because after they leave, I can see they've been in my drawers and other things. I disciplined them once and my daughter in law didn't speak to me for almost a year. It took me a very long time to finely find out from my son that it was because I disciplined the boys. I had them over for dinner, spent a LOT of time making a meal I knew the kids and adults would like and my younger grandson wouldn't eat and kept asking for hamburger. When I said I didn't have any, he said "YES you do!"....(I didn't) What I said was "when you go to someones home to eat, you should eat what's put in front of you." Evidently this made her angry. I have never, EVER given her advice on raising the boys or said anything negative to her at all about disciplining them. I never do that to them or my daughter's children. It's THEIR children and I've already done my job...it's their turn now. That is the only time I've ever said anything, but it was just getting very irritating. We never even got to visit that night because the youngest one grabbed all the attention by wanting things I didn't have.

Maybe it's just me and a different generation, but my children knew NOT to get into other people's things, go into other rooms and NEVER, EVER to open someones refrigerator.....even their grandmother's. It's gotten to where I almost hate to know they are coming over with my son. I live in a senior citizen building and they ran through the halls, went up and down the elevator and ran up and down the stairs. I know because they came back in and told us what they'd been doing and their mom just smiled. There are rules here and that's not allowed but I was afraid to say anything for fear I'd make her mad. I just don't know how to handle this delicately, but I think I have a right to have rules too. What do you all think and how would you handle this? Thank you.

[andy-hughes]

Hello godfrey,

I do entirely sympethise with your position, I have five grandchildren myself.

it appears that the lack of behavioural direction comes from your D-I-L, and since she is so hyper-sensitive to a little family behavioural guidance, then your son is the one to approach. He should have more understanding of your position, since I am sure you raised him with appropriate manners and respect, and the absnece of them is down to his allowing his wife to have her way and her way inly in terms of the raising of their children.

Children follow example - my girls are all married with their own children, and they would not help themselves to anything in our house without asking - that is the way they have been raised. Similarly, i would obviously ask for anything in their houses - that is respect for another adult's home - children or not.

I suggest you have a chat with your son. you could open the subject by asking him if he remembers being little, and then bring it round to the way he behaved. You can then gently lead into the way his children are behaving.

You should underline your position from the point of view that quiet behaviour around your accomodation is based on respect for your neighbours, and is a rule and condition of you living there, so you need him on side for this. Similarly, you need to confirm that you are happy to feed the children, but a polite request is good manners - the same manners that help him in his adult life.

I suspect you may meet resistance from your D-I-L - usually the inability to see bad behaviour in children goes hand in hand with the inability to accept any advice on the subject - even from family who are entitled to put in their ten-pence-worth from time to time, because that is what families do.

If your D-I-L withdraws the children from seeing you, that is selfish and cruel, but so is letting them upset you in this way - you do not deserve it, and your son should not be condonning it.

So have a try, and if you fail, then so be it, families are not always as good and kind as they should be - but keep the communication lines open with birthdays and Christmas and try not to resent the children. All children are as naughty as they are allowed to be - and their behaviour is the absence of proper lines being drawn - which will be creating more problems further on.

Let us know how you get on, please, and good luck.

[Sqad]

godfreygirl.......i just have the suspicion that you are going to do nothing about it, in which case good luck to you.

[godfreygirl143]

Hi LoftyLottie....I agree with you totally. Both of my children HAD to ask before getting into the fridge, a drawer....almost anything....when growing up. Not being overly picky, but just preparing them for proper manners when going to other people's homes. If they can't do it at home, then they can't do it at another person's home. Preparation for adulthood I think it's called. They grew up quite well, have great manners and are successful....so I guess it wasn't so strict after all.

[Mamyalynne]

If she brings their own special food, why cook ? Just say 'Oh you bring your own don't you?'

[ummmm]

What is wrong with just saying NO.

[godfreygirl143]

Oh yes....I've saved all of these answers in my email folder and plan to show them to my son and then have a good heart-to-heart talk. Thanks much!!

[LoftyLottie]

Good luck!

I am appalled that the boys were brought to you with their own 'special' food when invited for dinner. Kids can be fussy eaters, but quite honestly I have never made a meal different to ours for my child. He may have left half of what was on his plate (in his case most of the veg) but it wasn't replaced by burgers, fish fingers etc.

He does eat veg now!!!

[godfreygirl143]

LoftyLottie it looks like we think alike. I too was totally taken back when she brought in that whole bag of "special" food for the boys. Here I cooked the great meal and then had to cut up all the other things she brought. It sort of makes you feel like what you have is not good enough. By the way, it was a very good pot roast dinner with all the fixings AND I had asked before hand what the boys would eat....I had it all there. Still....the special bag of food was brought. I my DIL's defense, she is a very sweet, caring person....it's just the "thing" with her boys that's the sticky place. She even made a comment a while back that surprised the heck out of me. She said "NO woman will ever be good enough for MY boys." I told her "you'll either have to change that attitude or lose your boys someday."

[LoftyLottie]

It sounds very much as if she spoils them. It will do them no good at all. It's such a shame.

You have to make it very clear that her sons have to follow your rules in your house. They won't grow up to be socially acceptable unless she changes her ways.

[mazie]

However you handle it godfreygirl, Good luck (I think you'll need it) x

[andres]

I still think that your daughter in law is the one to approach first. Just try a friendly chat about the situation .Try to find some common ground. Daughter-in-laws can be very unpredictable when it comes to advice about anything , especially if it's the mother in law who is giving it. . They can also make their husbands lives a misery if they think he has been having confidential chats with his mother. Maybe her own home background wasn't ideal. Good luck!

[pusskin]

my ex daughter-in-law was a great Mum to the two boys, but was very very over protective. Caused me 18 yrs of frustration and tears.
The boys even now remember how she used to be and have spoken about it to their dad but not to me thankfully. They divorced 3 yrs ago.
i could never do anything just right for her, so glad she has settled and found another partner now. She didnt speak to her own mum for yrs, but at least she never fell out with me thank god.
Try and get this situation sorted, but it will be hard work -it was for me .

[Sir Alec]

Reading this has made my blood boil. What appalling behaviour! Lots of good advice, the only other thing I would do is buy a small child-proof lock for your bedroom door. No more drawer rummaging!

[godfreygirl143]

Thanks Sir Alec....my blood was boiling too. Especially when they had all of my jewelry out on the floor with some expensive things in there. I've even thought of putting duct tape on the fridge and the bedroom door before they came over to give them the hint....but again, daughter in law getting upset and not letting me see them is a worry for me. I'm actually beginning to think (how horrible) that I don't even CARE if I see them again if they keep acting like that. This makes me feel awful.

[2sp_]

Your house - your rules!

We have the opposite problem. Mr P and I are quite strict with our two children, even though they are still very young. They can't just rummage through the fridge or kitchen cupboards, they have to ask first.

Also, our bedroom is out of bounds unless one of us takes our children in there for some reason.

But, we have a more "liberal" relative who will let (or should that be encourage??) our kids run riot. Then we have problems with them when we come home and the kids then think that the rules have relaxed here too.

I honestly don't know you will fix your situation without standing on a toe or two. I know I've tried to talk to this relative but it just falls on deaf ears. At least I can control when my kids are going to be in the lawless household.

Could you mention to your son and DIL that you've had complaints about the children running wild around the building? Might help broach the subject of their behavour inside your home too?

It's hugely frustrating, and I do sympathise with you. Sorry I can't be any help!

[godfreygirl143]

My problem is similar to yours in that my daughter in law's parents let the boys run wild, open the fridge at will, go into any rooms they want and do what they want....so that is just why I have the problem of being the "bad grandma" who doesn't like it. So I can easily sympathize with your problem. When my children were growing up, my husband's mother did just what your problem is....let them do what they wanted. And, like you, I had to reinforce the rules when I'd get them back home....SIGH!!!

[Eve]

To me it is unacceptable behaviour. I was brought up to have manners and respect for others and for rules, I wouldn't have dared do that growing up, even now I wouldn't help myself to things from the fridge or rummage through cupboards or go into anyone's bedroom without being told I could, not that I'd want to raid or rummage anyway!

I wonder then if DIL has a more relaxed upbringing and doesn't realise it is wrong, or does and doesn't know how to be a stricter parent, both could leave her sensitive to reproach, not that that is an excuse. Maybe some subtle hints along the way if you are wary of tackling them outright and not seeing them for a while.

I would be tempted to make a point about the Site Rules and how issues like noise upsetting the other residents could affect her ability to stay there or live there harmoniously at the very least. If they are there I would lock the door (how are they getting out and back in?) and if they mention wanting to go out then I'd bring up with the parents about the rules, you'd hope it would at least shame them a bit!

If you can't come to some agreement about meals, if there is no specific dietary reason for any "special" food then I would stop inviting them round for meals.

Is there a lock that means you can secure your bedroom door from the outside? I know you shouldn't have to but it's a private space and they have no right to be in there unless invited.

Fridge and cupboards are more difficult. Is it only certain things they will take you could stash elsewhere e.g. biscuits in high cupboards. If they ask for something just tell them you don't have it and "jovially" mention you are a pensioner so have had to cut down on treats. Fridge stuff is trickier still though. I'd be tempted to buy some "thought-provoking" fridge magnets such as My House My Rules, If you want it ask etc... :)

[Sharingan]

It's not a generation thing I think they sound like appalling rude brats. I would never (not even when I was very little) have gone into someone's fridge without asking if invited into someone's house and absolutely never have looked through their bedroom drawers. At my own (materanal) grandmother's house I do actually go into the fridge and treat it like home when I am there because she has asked me to, but I would never do that with my father's family as they are less familiar to me and manners matter. Your daughter in law sounds like a nightmare because she is reinforcing their bad behaviour. Have a chat to your son,and hopefully he can sort it out.

[cupotee]

I have to agree with shanigan, little brats with no manners!

My concern would be with the way they run around the property. I too live in a form of sheltered housing where there are rules....rules that are in place for everyone's enjoyment. Running around and up and down lifts is a total lack of respect for other people's property.

My one Grandchild was never allowed to go into my fridge or bedroom without permission. He is grown up now and still would ask for something before going in search to see if I had it.

A slap of the legs wouldn't go amiss IMO.

[albaqwerty]

just out of sheer curiosity, are these delightful angels invited to birthday parties?
I bet once only.

Their mum is doing them no favours and dad is needing a spine.

Can you get a child lock on your fridge? as well as your bedroom?

If they eat YOUR food, demand recompense from their parents.