Editor's Blog2 mins ago
I'm Torn In Two
35 Answers
Last night my husband left me and announced that he would not return to our home unless my 22 year old son moved out.
I feel ripped apart. My son has many issues and is seeing a counsellor for treatment. He was abused as a child and it was just the two of us for 10 years.
My husband and everyone else says that S (son) is manipulating me and that I should ask him to leave. His typical day is lying in bed until 3.00 pm and going to bed at 5 in the morning. He then spends an hour showering and getting dressed. He will help out with child minding duties, do his own washing, buying and cooking for himself.
As part of S's problem, he hoards things in his bedroom. His counsellor says that it is because of the sexual abuse, etc.
My husband is at the end of his tether with the atmosphere in the house. He sees S as a lazy, good for nothing man who refuses to get a job.
I tried to explain to hubby that when you've seen your son self harming, wanting to die and in complete despair it is very hard for me to let go.
Advice required please. Maybe I am just too soft on my son but hubby adamant that I choose between S or him!
Please can you advise me what to do?
I feel ripped apart. My son has many issues and is seeing a counsellor for treatment. He was abused as a child and it was just the two of us for 10 years.
My husband and everyone else says that S (son) is manipulating me and that I should ask him to leave. His typical day is lying in bed until 3.00 pm and going to bed at 5 in the morning. He then spends an hour showering and getting dressed. He will help out with child minding duties, do his own washing, buying and cooking for himself.
As part of S's problem, he hoards things in his bedroom. His counsellor says that it is because of the sexual abuse, etc.
My husband is at the end of his tether with the atmosphere in the house. He sees S as a lazy, good for nothing man who refuses to get a job.
I tried to explain to hubby that when you've seen your son self harming, wanting to die and in complete despair it is very hard for me to let go.
Advice required please. Maybe I am just too soft on my son but hubby adamant that I choose between S or him!
Please can you advise me what to do?
Answers
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Oh Ruth, my deepest sympathies. What a dilemma. Blood is thicker than water etc. I can understand your hubby's attitude but he's in no position to deliver and ultimatum. You can always get another husband but you'll never get another 22 year old son. Certainly your son seems to have issues and needs help. Your husband's leaving is NOT the solution. It's only adding to the problem. I really hope it all works out ok for everyone, especially you Ruth xx
That's a very difficult situation you've been put in.
There is too much history and emotional baggage for any outsider to give advice but things may improve with your son over the next few months if your husband does away from the family home. It doesn't have to be forever and it doesn't have to mean you are no longer a couple.
A real concern is the possibility that your son could pile yet more guilt on to himself because of your husband's absence. It is not at all unusual for emotional development to be stunted in young adults who were abused as children so it is no surprise that he is still behaving like a 17 year old.
Then of course there is the effect on your young daughter. My gut instinct is that you should not throw your son out but you should still try to keep the family together and the marriage work while your husband is living elsewhere. However, it's not all up to you and your husband should be equally determined to make things work in the long term.
There is too much history and emotional baggage for any outsider to give advice but things may improve with your son over the next few months if your husband does away from the family home. It doesn't have to be forever and it doesn't have to mean you are no longer a couple.
A real concern is the possibility that your son could pile yet more guilt on to himself because of your husband's absence. It is not at all unusual for emotional development to be stunted in young adults who were abused as children so it is no surprise that he is still behaving like a 17 year old.
Then of course there is the effect on your young daughter. My gut instinct is that you should not throw your son out but you should still try to keep the family together and the marriage work while your husband is living elsewhere. However, it's not all up to you and your husband should be equally determined to make things work in the long term.
May be your husband has a point?
your son is 22 and old enough to know that he needs to seek professional help for his past.
Is your son willing to seek that help? If so, would your husband be willing to come home?
Until your son does his part, im afraid I'm partially in agreement with your husband, i'd find living like that intolerable too, there's only so much sympathy you can give someone and his has obviously reached his limit.
I appreciate my point of view will more than likely differ from everyone elses who'll see that your loyalties lie with your son, and they do, but they also lie with your husband, daughter and your marriage, and ultimately your ownhappiness as well.
Good luck- whatever the outcome.
your son is 22 and old enough to know that he needs to seek professional help for his past.
Is your son willing to seek that help? If so, would your husband be willing to come home?
Until your son does his part, im afraid I'm partially in agreement with your husband, i'd find living like that intolerable too, there's only so much sympathy you can give someone and his has obviously reached his limit.
I appreciate my point of view will more than likely differ from everyone elses who'll see that your loyalties lie with your son, and they do, but they also lie with your husband, daughter and your marriage, and ultimately your ownhappiness as well.
Good luck- whatever the outcome.
I am so sorry to read this. It is not fair that your husband leaves this ultimatum on you and this is not going to help the situation with your son whatsoever.
Your son is the obvious priority right now and I do sympathize, so please try and focus on him for the moment and i know you must be hurting, your son has a lot on his plate in dealing with the abuse he was subjected to and this will never go away for him, as someone who was also abused as a child - the effects 'lessen' but never go but it has to be worked through with counselling etc.
Your husband should be supportive no matter what and I feel he has possibly reached his limit hence this 'me or him' outcome.
Please do not blame yourself.
Please talk all you need to to us on here as an outlet.
PP x
Your son is the obvious priority right now and I do sympathize, so please try and focus on him for the moment and i know you must be hurting, your son has a lot on his plate in dealing with the abuse he was subjected to and this will never go away for him, as someone who was also abused as a child - the effects 'lessen' but never go but it has to be worked through with counselling etc.
Your husband should be supportive no matter what and I feel he has possibly reached his limit hence this 'me or him' outcome.
Please do not blame yourself.
Please talk all you need to to us on here as an outlet.
PP x
Parents of abused children sometimes carry a lot of guilt, too - they feel they were unable to protect their child and 'should' have known what was going on. Maybe this doesn't apply in your case, ruthandsam, but if it does it would be doubly hard to turn your back on your son now.
In this day and age it is not unusual for a 22 year old to still be living at home and at least he is doing his own laundry and cooking which is more than many do.
What is causing the bad atmosphere in the house? Is it your son's moods or tension between son and your husband, your husband's mood or something else? Can this be tackled so at least the family home is more homely for all of you?
In this day and age it is not unusual for a 22 year old to still be living at home and at least he is doing his own laundry and cooking which is more than many do.
What is causing the bad atmosphere in the house? Is it your son's moods or tension between son and your husband, your husband's mood or something else? Can this be tackled so at least the family home is more homely for all of you?
It is Boo & must be a frustrating & upsetting thing to see for all the family. Head problems can be a long wait to see any improvement, takes patience & patience will be tested for all family members. It's hard to go from a normal family life to gaining a long drawn out medical problem that can't just be fixed like a broken bone. It's a learning process for all.
I an understand your husband feeling that he is at the end of his tether and needing too do something, but he should realise every adult has issues from their past and forming a relationship will involve that. If he has decided he needs to go then hopefully that is for the right reasons, that he genuinely can not cope with the present situation any longer, rather than hoping to force an issue to be resolved in the way he wants by causing distress.
So in that light I'd suggest if he wishes to go then that is his decision. It is no doubt upsetting to you but I don't think you should be swayed from doing what you think is the right thing simply because you miss your partner.
I can not tell what the correct balance is between making allowances for your son and what what be considered tough love. I can not know whether you are being too lenient or not. I can only suggest that there must be experts you have spoken to in the past and who has advised you. If not perhaps you can go seek such professional opinion.
Meanwhile if your husband wishes to leave the situation that is first of all his decision. If he wishes to return and you are ok with that, then again that is a decision open to him. It should not directly affect how you treat your son save for highlighting that not everyone has the same opinion on what is best.
Take time to consider the relationship you have with your son for its sake, not for anything else it affects. Do what you think to be the right thing.
So in that light I'd suggest if he wishes to go then that is his decision. It is no doubt upsetting to you but I don't think you should be swayed from doing what you think is the right thing simply because you miss your partner.
I can not tell what the correct balance is between making allowances for your son and what what be considered tough love. I can not know whether you are being too lenient or not. I can only suggest that there must be experts you have spoken to in the past and who has advised you. If not perhaps you can go seek such professional opinion.
Meanwhile if your husband wishes to leave the situation that is first of all his decision. If he wishes to return and you are ok with that, then again that is a decision open to him. It should not directly affect how you treat your son save for highlighting that not everyone has the same opinion on what is best.
Take time to consider the relationship you have with your son for its sake, not for anything else it affects. Do what you think to be the right thing.
What a desperately difficult situation for you and, let's face it, your husband too. He really must be at the end of his tether to leave, knowing the effect it will have on his daughter. I understand everything you have said about your son's needs, and he does need your support, but you need your husband's support as well and your daughter needs her father.
S's timetable sounds to be aggravating the situation considerably. Would it be a partial solution to discuss with him and his counsellor the possibility of moderating it to nearer a 'normal' 24 hrs. so that it is more liveable with by others? It should be possible to agree a few house rules. Maybe then your husband would feel that he could find his stress easing enough to return and try to help.
Horrible for you, unload on here, you are going to need to. Fingers crossed for you.
S's timetable sounds to be aggravating the situation considerably. Would it be a partial solution to discuss with him and his counsellor the possibility of moderating it to nearer a 'normal' 24 hrs. so that it is more liveable with by others? It should be possible to agree a few house rules. Maybe then your husband would feel that he could find his stress easing enough to return and try to help.
Horrible for you, unload on here, you are going to need to. Fingers crossed for you.
If this were my problem ( I have three sons, who could often be awkward ratbags ) I'd get a caravan, put it on the drive and install son in it, so his habits can be kept to himself. Tell him that you will tolerate him in the caravan, but not in the house, complete with as many of his goods and chattels as he can fit in there with him. Any which don't fit will have to be recycled. He can have limited times for coming into the house - not including the bathroom.
This can be regarded as a "halfway house" towards getting him more independent.
And, since night-time seems to suit him, perhaps he could get a job doing night-shifts ?
This can be regarded as a "halfway house" towards getting him more independent.
And, since night-time seems to suit him, perhaps he could get a job doing night-shifts ?
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